Have you Sinha?

Sonakshi Sinha has come a long way. From being Salman Khan’s movie accessory to being Arjun Kapoor’s movie accessory, the journey has been arduous, mostly for people who watched her in all those movies (Sorry, a Lootera can only get you so far. Like if your career is a train journey, Lootera will take you from Churchgate to Dadar, tops. After that you’re on the mercy of Kaali-Peelis, and most of them will prolly say no because they have other important things to do, like scratch their balls and perm their hair.)

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From a fashion perspective, it’s been an evolution, and it gladdens my jaded heart to watch her go from being swaddled in all black to all these fashion experiments that I fondly refer to as the Sonam Kapoors.

Unfortunately, as we know, not all Sonam Kapoors are always hits.

In the one above for example, I’m expecting some spontaneous cray version of Bollywood Flamenco Moon Worship Dance, which she does to get The Mask’s attention…

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(I’m coming baby!)

…as he somersaults into the frame and whisks her away to the dulcet tunes of Copa Cabana, to a land far, far away where scripts for movies like Tevar and Action Jackson are used to make papier mache which is then used to make Leo DiCaprio idols.

To be fair (and what am I if not fair, huh?) the top is cute. But that fishtail skirt. I mean, it’s only genius if it’s subtly telling us the story of the Little Mermaid, you know, all she wanted was to be a part of the world above her hence the moon and the… hang on. There are 2 moons.

I give up.

 

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Devil is in the details

Wearing Emporio Armani pumps

Wearing Emporio Armani pumps

Sonakshi Sinha is taking her svelte self to town and she totally should. She popped by a gallery to support an artist in this Nikhil Thampi sheath. Smart choice since there would be too much colour around anyway and she would run the risk of looking like a work of art herself.

Taking off from the metallic detailing on the hip, the shoes too are metallic but a classier shade of metal like rose gold.

Let’s talk about the aforementioned metallic detailing. This metallic detailing is a lot similar to the metallic detailing on this Alexander McQueen one wore by Priyanka Chopra to the Filmfare Awards. Okay, it might not be a LOT similar but it is a little alike. In concept mostly.

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Up close, Sonakshi’s got a star tattoo an inch above her collarbone which could easily feature on BuzzFeed’s 99 Freakishly Small Girl Tattoos To Get In Prominent Places Defeating Their Purpose Of Being Freakishly Small And Hence Subtle list.

It’s not over

I thought we had recovered from Awards Season flu but evidently not. We had the Zee Cine Awards to go. I’m sure a bunch of the same people won the same awards and it was all same-same but different somehow.

Sonakshi Sinha in Gauri & Nainika

Sonakshi Sinha in Gauri and Nainika

That’s an attention seeking dress. It would have been just fine without the black hangy-things but no, it craved DRAMA and now it’s slightly drunk and has dirty danced all alone and every girl hates it and the guys are amused by it. I like the wicked Manish Arora headband, though.

Genelia D'Souza in a Rohit Bal anarkali

Genelia D’Souza in a Rohit Bal anarkali

She better have a great excuse for dressing up like this. Pregnancy, maybe?

Deepika Padukone wearing Naeem Khan

Deepika Padukone wearing Naeem Khan

She better have a great reason for that headpiece. Insanity?

Vaani Kapoor in a Varun Bahl sari

Vaani Kapoor in a Varun Bahl sari

A Facebook friend wore a similar look to Amit wedS Paayal ❤ 🙂 🙂 ❤

Priyanka Chopra in a Jade sari

Priyanka Chopra in a Jade sari

Is A-okay.

Adhuna with husband Farhan Akhtar. See what I did there

Adhuna with husband Farhan Akhtar. See what I did there?

Complete respect for Adhuna. I can only imagine the number of panties that get mailed to their home every day. And she seems like she’ll be all ‘meh’ about it. And then leave the house looking nothing but awesome and exactly how she wants to.

Yami Gautam in a Sonakshi Raaj fishtail gown

Yami Gautam in a Sonakshi Raaj fishtail gown

It’s a great colour and the bottom-half fits well but the bodice is too structured. Like her boobies have got their very own cage.

Amrita Rao wearing a Monica & Karishma creation

Amrita Rao wearing a Monica & Karishma creation

What is it with Amrita Rao and her stylist? They can never get it bang on. There’s always something amiss like a stale prawn biryani. It’s biryani and it’s prawns – a great combination – but they are stale. I’m not apologising for that analogy. It’s lunch time.

Priyanka Alva and Vivek Oberoi

Priyanka Alva and Vivek Oberoi

They are the anti Posh and Becks. They are Pinky and Vics from Jogeshwari.

With Javed Akhtar

With Javed Akhtar

Clearly, Shabana Azmi’s style inspiration is an African tribal chieftain.

Star Guilt Awards

Same shit, another day, different outfits.

Huma Qureshi in a Gauri and Nainika gown

Huma Qureshi in a Gauri and Nainika gown

Where is the rest of her coven? Having the valet park their broomsticks?

Ranveer Singh and Arjun Kapoor

Ranveer Singh in Gucci and Arjun Kapoor in cocked eyebrows

I suppose Ranveer Singh does clean up good. But since when has rubbing tambacoo become dapper?

In a lehenga by Shehlaa

In a lehenga by Shehlaa

This attire would make perfect sense if Deepika Padukone’s top-half was starring in a film about a naughty school girl and her bottom-half was playing the lead role of a gaon ki gori. And her midriff had its own porn series.

In Nachiket Barve

In Nachiket Barve

That’s Divya Khosla Kumar, the director of Yaariyan. Her stylist paid good money for Nirupa Roy and Noorie’s second hand sari. I guess, they thought it was vintage along with it being film memorabilia.

In Rachel Roy and Steve Madden peep toes

In a Rachel Roy jumpsuit and Steve Madden peep toes

Shit! If Sonakshi Sinha continues to dress like this, I will be out of a job and will have to retire to the hills where all I’ll do through the day is plot my revenge against her for making an honest woman out of me. She looks great. Ouch! I think I just burned my fingers typing that because what she actually looks great in is a jumpsuit. I’m going to give myself the pink slip now.

Sunny Leone rocking the hell out of this one

Sunny Leone rocking the hell out of this one

Sunny Leone in and as Anal: The Little Mermaid.

In Nikhil Thampi (he's been having a good awards season)

Vaani Kapoor in Nikhil Thampi (he’s been having a good awards season, no?)

That dress is the fashion equivalent of Inception. I have no clue what is going on but I like it and am going to stay till the end credits because…

Vaani Kapoor-back… this is what they look like.

Prabhu Deva

Prabhu Deva

I never pegged him to be much of a dresser but here he is. I’m loving the purple pocket square as much as his dance-y pose. Never change, Prabhu Deva. Never. Except when you decide to make certain ‘princely’ films.

In a Varun Bahl sari

In a Varun Bahl sari

Richa Chadda played it way too safe with this one. She should have let the peacock feathers extend into a full-blown fan behind her head. Don’t deny us some drama, lady.

Shah Rukh Khan

Shah Rukh Khan

How bad can it be? You are Shah Rukh Khan for crying out loud. Smile a little, will you? You are in well-fitted suit and sometimes that’s all a guy really needs.

Kareena Kapoor in Namrata Joshipura

Kareena Kapoor in Namrata Joshipura

I don’t hate it but I don’t want to get it drunk and make sweet, sweet love to it either. I’m sure Saif Ali Khan will share my sentiments.

In Donna Karan

In Donna Karan

If I saw this in the store I’d point out to the salesperson that there are way too many threads hanging and that the finishing is bad at which point he would tell me I did not get high fashion and would proceed to sell it to the next customer. Shraddha Kapoor. But she does look ok. Sort of.

Jacqueline Fernandez in Anand Kabra

Jacqueline Fernandez in Anand Kabra

I always wonder what or who stars are hiding when they come all covered-up to events.

Screen Awards red carpet

The Screen Awards took place and we all held our breath just waiting to know who went home with the coveted trophy. But when it comes to the telecast, we don’t have a seven second delay but more like a seven week delay. So you will have to wait a little longer to know the winners. Or you could just Google it. Whatever.

Abhay Deol and Preeti Desai

Abhay Deol and Preeti Desai in a Bare in Black gown

This couples’ tanning thing really works. A little too well.

Adhuna and Farhan Akhtar

Adhuna and Farhan Akhtar

I love Adhuna’s quirky sense of style. It’s like her way of rebelling against the ‘star-wife’ label. More power to you, girl. And that is how you wear a velvet waistcoat with Jodhpur-ish pants.

Aditi Rao Hydari in Harsh Harsh

Aditi Rao Hydari in Harsh Harsh

This needs something more happening. It all seems very flat and sort of like a snorefest.

Anjana Sukhani

Anjana Sukhani

Dude, is that a full and final velvet gown!? Talk about subtle use of fabric.

Bipasha Basu in Manish Malhotra

Bipasha Basu in Manish Malhotra

And that is how you wear velvet and an anarkali. In small doses and with less ghera, respectively. She really is looking good, no? Maybe marriage is the answer.

Boman Irani

Boman Irani

Yes, I will shake your hand but only because you are awesome.

Chitrangda Singh in Dior

Chitrangda Singh in Dior

If her last look was all about drama this is a little anticlimatic. Maybe another colour or a more glamorous hairstyle would have worked. But don’t worry, Chitrangda, the world (my amma and I) still loves you.

Deepika Padukone in Alexander McQueen

Deepika Padukone in Alexander McQueen

I suspect this one has gone a little wrong. I can’t point out why exactly. But feel is not coming. Like kuch kuch nahi hota hai when I see this gown. Could it be because Kate Hudson wore it to the Golden Globes LAST YEAR?

Divya Dutta

Divya Dutta

Take a beach holiday, woman and go drown that attire while you are at it.

Yo Yo Honey Singh

Yo Yo Honey Singh

He is making some very rude gestures but given the nature of his lyrics I should not be surprised.

Huma Qureshi

Huma Qureshi in Nikhil Thampi

Yes, the sun really does shine out of Huma Qureshi’s ear. Even Kalki Koechlin seems to think so…

Kalki in Nikhil Thampi

Kalki in Nikhil Thampi too

We get it. Huma is not responsible for Kalki’s divorce. You guys are the best of friends and you, Kalki, even helped Huma into that earpiece type-thingy. That ornament has a legitimate name but I’ve forgotten it. And I refuse to Google it since the Internet and I are currently in a complicated relationship.

This is one of Huma’s better looks. The dress fits her curves well and for once her hair is doing good things. But I’m thinking I should just give up on cribbing whenever people bastardise the sari. I can see Kalki’s leg. Should she not be wearing a petticoat underneath? My grandmother would not approve.

Juhi Chawla

Juhi Chawla

Why is she still promoting Son of Sardar?

In Shantanu & Nikhil

In Shantanu & Nikhil

No, no, no. Kajol, don’t fall back into your old trap. You were doing so well. This look seems so closed-up and nun-like. Unless… she is trying to cover a big old hickey. That’s one expensive way of doing it, if you ask me. Just paste on a bandage next time.

In Ranna Gill

In Ranna Gill

Look who’s back! And I have nothing unpleasant to say about Neha Dhupia. Except maybe… actually, no. But, I do want to wake up next to that cuff every morning and bring it breakfast in bed.

Nimrat Kaur

Nimrat Kaur

I’m loving the hint of boobies, sorry décolletage and the hair pulled away to show them off. Yet, I’m unsure of the puffed sleeves.

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer Singh

The velvet jacket with the waistcoat seems a bit much. Like it was initially a three-piece tux, but since he is Ranveer Singh and eccentric and all that, his stylist chose the blue jacket.

Wearing Innana by Monica & Karishma

Wearing Monica & Karishma

Do you think it’s just that some people can’t pull-off gowns as well as others can? There really is nothing horrifyingly wrong with the look, apart from the fact that the pattern overwhelms and the stylist should have put her hair up. As in Richa Chadda’s.

Sona Mohapatra

Sona Mohapatra

This is how Anarkali (the person, not the trend) must have looked and felt like when the last brick was laid.

In an Amit GT gown

In an Amit GT gown

I don’t know what Sonakshi Sinha or her stylist have been smoking but pat yourselves on the back and roll another one.

In Gaurav Gupta

In Gaurav Gupta

This dress on Shruti Hassan reminds me of a cold night at the graveyard. Let me hasten to assure you that Shruti does not look like the undead, far from it, but something about the blue and black and net gives me an eerie feeling.

In Amritraj Bora

In Amritraj Bora showing way too much of her Boras

As does this one on Sonal Chauhan. Somewhere a koli has lost the day’s catch.

In a Manish Malhotra sari

In a Manish Malhotra sari

Who sends her invites and why? At least Sophie Chaudhary has the decency to dress well.

PS: Raise your hand if you are missing Sonam Kapoor.

Let them eat cake

Happy Birthday to Lootera! You have turned three today. On this momentous occasion… What do you mean it’s not Looetra’s birthday? It’s pointless cutting a cake when it’s no one’s birthday. A lot like Ranveer Singh’s attire.

Lootera success party

Lootera success party

Look, I get it. He’s trying to be casual-cool. Like he does not give a fuck but the guy just can’t pull it off. Put on a shirt, will you? And lose the cap. You are INDOORS.

Sonakshi Sinha, though, is killing it in the basic white shirt and shiny, slack-like pants. Which are a lot like Ross’s leather ones that could not be pulled up after he slathered them with powder and lotion. I mean that in the best way possible. (I’m still hung up on Friends. I need to live in this century. What season is Three’s Company on?)

Sonakshi Sinha and Ranveer Singh1

“Yay! Bollywood Wednesdays at the club. Badtameez dil (x3), Maane na, maane na!

Sonakshi Sinha and Ranveer Singh2

“Also, chikni chameli chhup ke akeli pawwa chadha ke aayi!”

“Stop hogging the dance floor, you guys.”

Rahul Bose, Ekta Kapoor and Sonakshi Sinha

When I think of Ekta Kapoor, and I don’t often, I don’t think of her as a human being having human parts. So I almost chocked on my tequila milk when I saw this image. I mean BOOBS! A lot of them. I think Rahul Bose must have felt the same way here and Sonakshi is trying to not make a big deal about it. Them?

Sonakshi Ke Do Rang

Screen Shot 2013-06-30 at 3.01.45 PMSonakshi: I bet you can’t tell.

Ranveer: I bet you can’t tell either.

Sonakshi: That I’m cleverly using this bouquet of flowers to hide a tear in my dress! I AM GENIUS.

Ranveer: That I am practicing my Superman stare and I am hoping that if I look at you hard enough, you’ll become a cloud of smoke!

Sonakshi: You’re mean.

Ranveer: You’re boring.

Sonakshi: You’re mixing prints!

Ranveer:  You’re dressing like an extra from Moulin Rouge!

Sonakshi: Your tee used to be my couch.

Ranveer: Your forehead used to be my cricket pitch.

Sonakshi: I hate you.

Ranveer: I’m banging Deepika.

Sonakshi: Banging mins?

Ranveer: Sigh.

Tayyab Ali Fashion Ka Dushman Hai Hai

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Sonakshi: I bet you can’t tell it.

Imran: Can’t tell what?

Sonakshi: That I stitched this dress myself. I learned how to do that in the WAGS class of this awesome school for Bollywood kids that I went to called WYPLYWTBHA*. It was a special session too, called What-to-do-when-you-put-all-your-money-in-an-Akshay-Kumar-movie-and-it-bombs. They have now re-named it LOLSHIRISHKUNDER.

Imran: Aren’t these bands on my jeans cute? They make me look like I’m a puppet. I am in pieces, held together only by the black cellotape of misery. ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS A REAL BOY!

Sonakshi: You are a real boy. What you ought to want to be is a real MAN.

Imran: With *that* attitude, lady, you’ll never be married by 30. What will you blame your career’s end on then?

Sonakshi: Poor sartorial choices… Anyhoo. What do you think of my shoes? I bought them on Linking Road! Rs 250 only! Beaded by skinny hands of starving kids!

Imran: Sigh.

Random Man in Background: GIMME EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTTT!!!! GIMME EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTT!!! EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTT!!!

*(Where your parents leave you while they’re busy having affairs.)

Lootera Blues

I didn’t know it was fashionable to wear maternity clothes even if you weren’t preggars.

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Thank you Sonakshi, for opening my eyes. MAKE WAY FOR PONCHOS, EVERYONE.

Although if she *were* preggars, and these two were a couple, and we could pretend that they were the Kim-Kanye of Bollywood, then Ranveer’s suit would’ve made perfect sense because it is so reflective, they’d use it to project the baby’s sonograms on it for the papz to feast their eyes on. MOAR PUBLICITY! Also a book based on their lives would be called Singhs and Sensibility: The Paradox.

(This is what happens to my brain when a stylist thinks it’s cool to combine a blue buttoned tee with a brown suit made of shoe polish.)

Once again. All over again

I’m a little confused here.

Akshay Kumar, Sonakshi Sinha, Imran Khan

We were made to believe that Akshay Kumar, Sonakshi Sinha and Imran Khan were promoting Once a Upon a Time in Mumbaaaaai Again why then are the men striking the Singh is Kinnnng poseAside: Does misspelling your title earn an extra crore at the box office?

I think that actors dressing like the characters they play is a sign that Bollywood is truly coming of age. It’s a step Hollywood seldom takes. Did you see Robert Downey Jr. give interviews in the Ironman suit or a 10-foot blue Zoe Saldana at the Avatar screening or even Mike Myers in a green fat suit? No.

Akshay Kumar, Sonakshi Sinha, Imran Khan1

“Hey! There’s a box marked ‘Bad Fashion’. Let’s open it!”

But Bollywood actors are so dedicated that lines between real and reel are often blurred. Sonakshi, has on many occasions, worn snug, a decade-too-late salwar kameezes and you just know that most of Akshay’s suits have come from his own closet labelled ‘Yeh Dillagi’ and I’ll bet my bottom dollar that Imran thinks the heart-shaped buckle is a trend he must pioneer.

Bollywood, I salute you.