London bound

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Another day, another Shaandaar-related event and another Alia Bhatt and Shahid Kapoor beard sighting. Shahid’s beard, not Alia’s. You can’t really see Alia’s beard. That’s if she has one. Which I highly doubt.

Alia

I’m looking at Alia’s skirt and thinking that it’s got a pretty cool print of erstwhile telephone booths and then I see that it’s also got print of a double-decker bus. So, I’m like, Wow they are putting prints of Andheri East on skirts seeing as how double-deckers still ply there. But then I found out that Alia and Shahid were at a Visit Britain press conference. Which means the print is London. Which, you know, is a very smart choice.

Alia is in Chicwish.

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I scream

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I could do with something cool right now.

I don’t know if this has anything to do with the print on Alia Bhatt’s ASOS dress or the fact that Shahid Kapoor’s beard is talking dirty to me.

Can Shaandaar hurry up and release already.

Grin and Bear It

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I like it that their faces are so fake gleeful, almost as if they’re grinning through the pain of being in a movie that looks like a My Little Pony tribute-sequel to a Raju Chacha.  That trailer is so nauseatingly colourful, even Alia’s t-shirt had to shut its eyes because it couldn’t take it anymore (Read all about it in its autobiography, T-Shirt Ki Atmakatha, coming soon to an exam near you.) If I were Shahid/ Alia, I’d have sworn off colour too.

Guys, don’t worry, I have a black and white filter on Instagram all ready for you.

Phata Cloth Nikli Ileana

I don’t know what to make of this.
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There’s a decided prom-dress feeling to it, like she’s expecting someone to stick a corsage on one shoulder and has a hotel room booked somewhere, with rose petals, a bottle of wine, a six-pack of condoms and a douchey-looking man destined to be a used car salesman waiting for her.

On the other hand, I don’t think they have prom in Andhra Pradesh and Ileana is definitely not 17, so I’d like some explanation as to how she ended up dressing like napkin-decoration at a South Bombay “Candy Crush” themed wedding.

Is that a Pit Stain or Are You Happy to See Me?

HEY GUYS!

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AS LONG AS I KEEP DANCING WILL YOU PRETEND THAT MY NEW MOVIE ISN’T GOING TO SUCK AND I MADE A MISTAKE SAYING NO TO SHUDH DESI ROMANCE?

 

Phata poster nikla party

I was just wrapping my mind around the fact that a film’s success party is being hosted within days of its release and now the guys responsible for Phata Poster Nikla Hero threw a bash on the completion of their film. They finished filming and they celebrated that. While it is an occasion worthy of popping some bubbly it’s also a novel way of whoring your film.

Shahid Kapoor

Shahid Kapoor, who plays a guy who plays a cop pretending to be a cop, came dressed with the least intent to please. Maybe he too realised the futility of attending this party when actually they ought to be in the dubbing studio adding finishing touches or brainstorming over a more foolproof media plan than just a party.

Ileana D'Cruz

I don’t know about you but the otherwise pretty Ileana D’Cruz looks like a weird hybrid of Mahi Gill and Kim Sharma. Is it the slightly ill-fitting dress in the boob area or the fact that she has on way too much makeup for an event that actually should not be taking place? The offbeat choice of footwear is a plus, though.

hero

Hero Hirala is not impressed.

Herogiri

Phata Poster Nikla Hero

Whoever accused Bollywood of lacking subtlety should check out the poster for Phata Poster Nikla Hero. It requires a special kind of talent to literally translate each word of the title into an image that you then approve for your poster. I would never have thought to have the lead actor lunge at the audience through a torn poster. Genius. Just pure genius.

Hero Hiralal

Hero Hiralal too is enamoured by it all.

IIFA Q – Baatcheet

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Shah Rukh Khan: And that, my young ones, is how you become a Bollywood superstar.

Ayushmann Khurana: Balle! Balle!

Parineeti Chopra: This is all so funny. Your pajamas and side buttons are so funny, Ayushmann. I, for my part, look stunning. This is how you rock a plain black gown. With a wide belt, thigh slit and wrist armour.

Sushant Singh Rajput: Hahaha! Ayushmann’s pajamas.

Shahid Kapoor: Ha! I know. So listen. What’s with your shabby suit?

Sushant: I had a hit film this year.

Shahid: *white noise*

IIFA Q – PART 1

IIFA doesn’t have a RED Carpet, it has a GREEN carpet, and I’m sure there’s some pretentious environmental reason for this, because the only alternative is that it’s green because it’s a little sick of being yet another award show. So, what did they sport at Bollywood’s Best Reason to Travel to Some Phoren Place En Masse? Let’s take a look:

In Arpita Mehta

In Arpita Mehta

In my eyes, Madhuri Dixit can do no wrong. That’s why I killed Simon Cowell yesterday and borrowed his eyes so that I could do this objectively. I know na, I am THAT dedicated  what to do yaar. Anyhoo, Mads, this doesn’t work for me, sweets. The print overwhelms the embellishments overwhelm the colour, and that hair is decidedly blah. I don’t think you have what it takes to become American Idol. BOLLOCKS. LOO. KNICKERS. Okay I am done.

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I like Amrita Rao’s stylist. She tries. She *really* tries. I mean, this isn’t half-bad, but I don’t know about the hair, which has a very mane-y feel to it. Like I am expecting her to start singing Circle of Life any minute now.

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He deserves a mention simply because suede bow tie? Such a cool touch to creatively mix up a boring old suit. Very like.

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Maybe it’s just me, but if I have to stare at a bodice for five minutes just to figure out what the hell is going on with it, it better at least be a Sudoku puzzle. Also, her clutch is disappearing into her dress, like a two-year-old afraid of leaving mommy. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, the hair, the tulle, just. NO.

386401-iifa-awards-2013-bollywood-celebrities-on-green-carpetOnly Shahrukh can make an arm sling look effortlessly sexy.

Jacqueline Fernandes in Roberto Cavalli.

Jacqueline Fernandes in Roberto Cavalli.

I like how Abhishek Bachchan’s shadow is trying to protect Jacqueline Fernandes’ modesty… LOL J/K IT’S PARALYZED BECAUSE SOMEONE GAVE IT AN AWARD. But I digress. That is a GREAT dress on her, and the hair and make up are top-notch. Well done, Jacq. Have a Jadoo ki Jhappi on me.

Screen Shot 2013-07-08 at 11.22.31 AMA better pic.

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I knew they were bringing the wooly mammoth back from extinction, but I never thought it would be so soon.

It never ends

Shahid Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra refuse to take our advice and continue to promote their thrice upon a flop film. Here, they get back from promoting their film in some godforsaken country like New Zealand.

Shahid wants to make it clear to the rest of us that he is PROPER old school as opposed to the few of us who are old school but are improper. His pants started out as jodhpurs but somewhere over the ocean turned into cargos making for a very funny looking but also oddly comfortable pair of pants.

Priyanka’s pants on the other hand are on a mission to suppress any freedom of expression her thighs would like to have. She’s got an itsy-bitsy waist and even thinner legs which raises the question – does she shop in the juniors’ section? But let’s get to the actual purpose of writing this post – what’s in those tiny duty free bags she’s carrying?

PS: I do believe they are still very much a couple. Notice how they are not looking at each other?