Two-Two Deepika

As much as I find it hilarious that SRK-Deepika-RohitShetty are going EVERYWHERE, from the bylanes of Dharavi to Notting Hill’s highest point i.e. the tip of Hugh Grant’s big head to promote Chennai Express, I will focus on Deepika’s outfits at these promotions, because we aren’t named Fire Your Overzealous Marketing Dude. So here goes:

SRK-Deepika-RohitShetty on  the first show I don't give a crap about.

SRK-Deepika-RohitShetty on the first show I don’t give a crap about.

Okay, in a nutshell, which also co-incidentally happens to be what Deepika’s outfit reminds me of, this is possibly the best saree with a twist I have ever seen. Intricate sheer lace detailing with a sweetheart neckline, offset by a monochrome saree that hugs her in all the right places… well done, Deepika’s stylist. We have a cupcake in our offices (behind the homeless guy’s cardboard box under Dadar bridge) with your name on it. The drop earrings and red lipstick are a nice, restrained touch and a splash of colour at the same time. And dammit, does this woman have to look so gorgeous in everything she wears? UNIVERSE, you unfair bitch.

SRK-Deepika at second show I don't give a crap about.

SRK-Deepika on a second show I don’t give a crap about.

Once again, love the anarkali, the pouffy hairdo, the earrings-only look, the red lipstick which she probably just left on for two days… I am not used to being this nice. Must be all that Fevi Kwik I am sniffing to hold my 300-rupis-on-the-internet glasses together. Quick guys! FIND A FLAW! MAKE THIS RIGHT!

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Chennaiii Yexpresssss – Orange blossom

I was barely recovering from the Lootera coup that the Chennai Express media blitzkrieg has begun.

Deepika Padukone and Shah Rukh Khan

Shah Rukh Khan and Deepika Padukone popped up at Comedy Nights with Kapil (which, actually, is quite a mad show). Someone out there thought it would be a great idea to place Shah Rukh Khan, who has one arm in a sling, on a rickety Hamara Bajaj scooter behind Deepika. Not a graceful moment. He looks like the least favourite kid of those families who rode the Hamara Bajaj back in the day. Like he could sit on the scooter only after Papa, Mummy, Bunty, Chintu and Taplu found a seat.

Unlike her Naeem Khan, this Arpita Mehta passes the muster. Now, this is how you promote your movie dressed as your character. I’m sure we’ll see her in saris, temple jewellery and gajras but the rich colour, flowy silhouette and broad border are a nod to the traditional pavada-blouse (long skirt and blouse). In contrast, the bodice is contemporary and structured. The detailing is as complicated as the Da Vinci Code. I mean that in a good way.

Chennaiii Yexpresssss

I have such an obvious thing for Shahrukh Khan in a beard and a suit that I will line my keyboard with tissues before I begin this post… to catch my DROOL, perv-bombs.

That’s right, I just made up a word. I am immortal in pop culture now. Like that guy who invented amazeballs. There will be a bench dedicated to me in Shivaji Park. You know what won’t have a bench dedicated to it? Deepika Padukone’s dress here:

Screen Shot 2013-07-04 at 3.45.09 PM

Deepika Padukone in Naeem Khan. Nice of her to bring her bodyguard into the picture.

I don’t HATE it. Like I won’t call it my arch nemesis or anything. But, see, if this dress were the Chennai Express, it would leave the platform on on time and start the journey well, only to be replaced mid-way by a black train presumably sent by the fashion devil to cart all the passengers straight to hell to serve their punishment for crimes… against style. It’s like Rohit Shetty started directing it and then suddenly, Darren Aronofsky took over. In this analogy, that can only be good for the movie, but for the dress it’s an issue, my friends, it’s an issue.

What is it, Deepika? Are you half-celebrating, half-mourning this movie? If yes then come sit next to us and grab a cocktail, because we feel your pain.

Conversation starter

Ajay Devgn: What rubbish is this, ya? Whose dumb idea was it to dress us all in similar style kurtas? Rohit, you and I look like Munnabhai and Circuit.

Rohit Shetty: I’m sorry but this is the only way to save our film Bol Bachchan.

Abhishek Bachchan: I don’t know what you ladies are whining about? I’m totally rocking this hot pink kurta.