Kaifi Ho Gaya Ab Bus Karo

This outfit reminds me of everything that is unfair in the world:

  1. Katrina Kaif’s body
  2. Katrina Kaif’s skin
  3. Katrina Kaif’s hair
  4. Katrina Kaif’s legs
  5. That she gets to do sexytime with Ranbir (Does she still? Have they broken up? Are they still together? Any tramp stamps? FIRs? Update me, children.)
  6. World Hunger
  7. Exams
  8. That Pandas sometimes run out of bamboo to eat and that’s really sad
  9. That this other girl got made Head Captain of Red House simply because my class was away on a picnic and now I’ll never know what it’s like to be made Head Captain
  10. People with high metabolism who eat as much gulab jamun as they want without an ounce of body fat showing up. Those people are the worst. I hope they find love and happiness but that it gets taken away from them suddenly and cruelly because their love falls in love with the bai and now they have no love and they have no bai and that is what rockbottom is like.

Dat dress doh. It’s what she wore at the Women of Worth awards, which I assume is called that because you need lots of worth *cough*cash*cough* to be able to afford a Mikael D. (I have no idea who Mikael D is. I only know Michael J. And he ded.)

What was Deepika thinking!?

Holy shit balls! What happened to Deepika Padukone’s jeans? Surely something must have gone wrong because no sane person would ever wear something like this. And Deepika is one of the sane ones.

Could it all the dancing that ripped it?

Or the lifting? Look at Ranbir Kapoor. That’s the face of a guy who knows he’s torn something.

Maybe it’s just all that sitting around.

Or folding arms.

Or staring into infinity.

Something. Anything.

There HAS to be a logical explanation for those jeans because it can’t be that Deepika willingly chose to wear them.

Trailer Tamasha

Ok, so I know what’s their relationship status but just look at them!

And yes, it’s all probably only for the cameras and when they go back home they hate text each other. She, most likely, sends him links to Katrina’s Choc On ad and he constantly reminds her that she and Ranveer Singh will never have what Ranveer and Arjun Kapoor do, but still…

I mean she even smirks at his disappointment, but still…

Anyway, Deepika is in a Saloni maxi and a coin necklace. Needless to say she was going for boho and that’s exactly what she achieved. I’ve got something similar only I look less boho and more hobo in it.

I can’t really make out (make out, ha ha ha) the print on Ranbir’s tee so I’m gonna say it’s skull meets nerd guy.

Bigg Boss is Hungry

Salman: Putting this in mouth because it looks like something I’d find at a sweets store in Mahim on Fridays.

Jacqueline: What the fuck.

Salman: Bigg Boss pays very little.

Jacqueline: Let go of my saree, pervert.

Salman: That’s what Aishwarya said. So I bit her instead.

Picture is blurry because Salman drove an SUV over it.

Jacqueline: *faints due to shock*

Arjun Rampal: Gotcha

Jacqueline:  Oh thank God.

Arjun: Hi. I’m a hipster. That’s what young people are these days. They’re hipster. Like me. It’s true. Because hipsters don’t lie.  Do you like my hat?

Jacqueline: Can I keep pretending to be unconscious so I don’t have to answer that question?

Arjun:  I like your saree. It’s like blue cotton candy. I feel like putting it in my mouth. Is that normal?

Jacqueline: Sigh.

Filmfare Awards

The Filmfare Awards took place for the 59th time – coincidentally, that’s Rekha’s current age and the age Shah Rukh Khan will never mature to in a Karan Johar film.

Gone with the wind in a in Gaurav Gupta

Gone with the wind in a Gaurav Gupta

A huge hurricane named Katrina blew Deepika Padukone’s dress away and as a result there are very few images of her right profile.

Aside: Why is her stylist referring to the Golden Globes look book and putting her in dresses that have got enough press and for all the wrong reasons? Lady Victoria Hervey, an Englishman’s answer to Queenie Dhody, wore the same dress to the Globes this year and not many thought she was victorious.

In Alexander McQueen

Priyanka Chopra in Alexander McQueen

This one is the rebellious cousin of Deepika’s church-going one (see link above). The pockets look like they are set afire by gold leaves and I would not be surprised if Deepika grabbed Priyanka and put her on her mantel mistaking her for the best actress trophy. Oh shit spoilers! Ah well, you’ll live.

That's a Louis Vuitton orgy happening on him

That’s a Louis Vuitton orgy happening on Ranveer Singh

I’m going to smoke up and watch the pattern come to life and try to strangle the teddy bear on his loafers. I suggest you do the same.

Kajol in a Nandita Mahtani gown

Kajol in a Nandita Mahtani gown

This is a great movie star shot. Unfortunately what she has on is not. I suspect she dropped her kids at the babysitter’s in her nightie and realised there was not enough time so she strapped on a belt and made it in time for this photo.

Anjana Sukhani

Anjana Sukhani

This one might as well be called Ruffle Lays.

Huma Qureshi in Gauri & Nainika

Huma Qureshi in Gauri & Nainika

And this one too. Ruffle Lays Magic Masala.

Preity Zinta in an extremely similar Gauri & Nainika too

Preity Zinta in an extremely similar Gauri & Nainika

Another movie star shot and another Ruffle Lays, this one Magic Masala with Tazos inside.

Dia Mirza in a very confusing Shantanu & Nikhil

Dia Mirza in a very confusing Shantanu & Nikhil

You can’t see from this angle but what she has on is a cropped top, leggings and a Lannister cloak worn as a nauvari sari.

Rekha doing her thang, y'all

Rekha doing her thang, y’all

That’s all the cloth of gold the Lannisters ever owned.

Neha Dhupia in a blouse by Payal Singhal and an Anju Modi skirt

Neha Dhupia in a blouse by Payal Singhal and an Anju Modi skirt

I’ll take it. And maybe lose the neckpieces and add earrings. But I’ll take it.

Karisma Kapoor in  Anamika Khanna

Karisma Kapoor in Anamika Khanna

The dress is the equivalent of a drunken Punjabi wedding where no one knows what the fuck is happening but everyone is in good spirits.

Kalki Koechlin in a lot of Sabyasachi

Kalki Koechlin in a lot of Sabyasachi

Yes, she is mourning the demise of her marriage. How did you guess?

A note to Sabyasachi and all those who wear him: Allow me to introduce you to the concept of a streamlined silhouette. This bada hai toh behtar hai philosophy does not work every time.

wearing a gorgeous Nikhil Thampi

Vaani Kapoor wearing a gorgeous Nikhil Thampi

I mean, if I had a body like that I too would wear as minimal clothes as possible. Let’s see what the valet guy is gawking at so intently.

Vaani Kapoor1

Work it, girl.

Richa Chadda in a Hervé Léger

Richa Chadda in a Hervé Léger

This dress is stupid. It’s drag-racing-drunk-without-a-seat-belt stupid. It’s a bandage dress with a whole carton of Ruffle Lays on it. The idea of a bandage dress is to show off the wearer’s figure so why would you cover it in cheap cake frosting? I blame the designer for this one. Her styling is not helping either.

Amrita Rao in a Payal Singhal sari

Amrita Rao in a Payal Singhal sari

Does she not remind you of a child actor from the ’50s who had an illustrious career playing a boy but when puberty hit no one knew what to do with her so now she is married to a producer 20 years her senior?

Nimrat Kaur wearing a Shehlaa sari

Nimrat Kaur wearing a Shehlaa sari

And that’s her pushy mother trying to relive her glamour days through her child. I mean this in the best possible way because she looks so old school Bollywood chic.

Emilio Pucci on Ileana D'cruz

Emilio Pucci on Ileana D’cruz (that reads weird)

Her extra long sleeves are spreading their lacy tentacles all across her body and soon she’ll star as Venom in a feminist remake of Spider-Man where the protagonist makes it her mission to rid the world of cobwebs.

Aditi Rao Hydari in Gaurav Gupta

Aditi Rao Hydari in Gaurav Gupta

The shoes she can courier me the rest she can burn, starting with that appliqué patch on her head.

Prachi Desai in Swapnil Shinde (that reads weird)

Prachi Desai in Swapnil Shinde

Bani Dixit (bet you did not know that was her surname) sexing it up? Hmmm… What would Mr Walia say?

Sophie Choudry in BCBG which sounds like an acronym for a bunch of Hindi gaalis

Sophie Choudry in BCBG which sounds like an acronym for a bunch of Hindi gaalis

Sophie Choudry did her bit to revive the age-old art of letter writing by encasing her twins in envelop flaps.

Konkona Sen Sharma drowning in a Rohit Bal anarkali

Konkona Sen Sharma drowning in a Rohit Bal anarkali

The white and gold combination is what you would normally wear to a Malayalee wedding along with gold in your weight, of course. But even by those standards this is too much gold.

Kajal Aggarwal in Monisha Jaising bling

Kajal Aggarwal in Monisha Jaising bling

I don’t believe the dress was stitched onto her, neither is there a JFK in sight and it’s definitely not his birthday.

Tamannah in Gauri & Nainika

Tamannah in Gauri & Nainika

She knows the dress is great and hence the smirk. Can we all say drama together?

Bruna Abdullah

Bruna Abdullah

Bruna Abdullah (you know her from…Google it, ya) is already so tall that the border of this anarkali is making her look like she is standing on stilts. Like she was the carnival attraction at Filmfare.

Chunky Pandey killing it

Chunky Pandey killing it

Bangladesh’s superstar was especially flown in to host the Red Carpet. If you ask me, Bollywood’s loss is Bangllywood’s (that’s what their industry is called, right?) gain. And this is Bollywood’s way of inviting him back into their fold but it’s too little too late, guys. We have lost a national treasure, especially when he looks this dapper.

Hosts Priyanka Chopra and Ranbir Kapoor

Hosts Priyanka Chopra and Ranbir Kapoor

Maybe if this was the pairing of Love Story 2050, life would have been very different.

Ranbir ke kai rang

Ranbir3

If Shah Rukh Khan has his arms-stretched-wide-encompassing-the-world step then Ranbir Kapoor has his pelvic thrust.

Ranbir4

And from the back. Shake what Neetu Singh gave you, Ranbir.

Ranbir

So bad that he’s not a looker.

Ranbir-thinker

But he is a good poser. He’s doing The Thinker, contemplating how exactly to fall into my arms.

Flipping the bird

Ranbir returns from Sri Lanka possibly to pacify Katrina

Ranbir returns from Sri Lanka possibly to pacify Katrina

Well, this is interestingly played. What his baseball cap conceals, Ranbir Kapoor’s finger reveals – his deep-seated angst and ire against the media. He is totally flipping the photographers for the way their brethren treated his beloved. You know, with them photographing him and Katrina on their bikini vacation. What he would have liked to do is punch them in the lens but that is truly unbecoming of a star. So instead he not-so-subtly stuck out his middle finger.

I like his duffle bag, though.

Ship of Theseus screening

Ship of Theseus had a screening and most of the big names attended solely because Aamir Khan threatened to courier them a DVD of Mela otherwise.

Katrina Kaif

Katrina Kaif, who after the screening, celebrated her happy birthday, dressed like an upside down orange candy.

Ranbir Kapoor

I just hope her alleged boyfriend took off his fedora for the screening otherwise Rani Mukerji would have missed half the film. Of course I’m assuming that Rani sat behind the couple. Why? Just because I can. Also I know the usher.

Rani Mukerji

If the Ship of Theseus was missing a sail it was because Rani wore it as pants. 

Ayushmann Khurrana

Ayushmann Khurrana’s wearing a ladies size small jacket in a lovely pastel hue. Just thought I’d point that out.

Jackie Shroff

My mother wept when she saw this image of Jackie Shroff. She remembers him looking like this and not like a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor who, in himself, is a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor.

Imran Khan and Avantika Malik

Imran Khan brought his own X and O game in case the film got too intellectual for him. As an aside, why are they dressed so formally while the others have basically rolled out of bed?

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, Pehli Nazar.

Like Vimla, your friendly neighbourhood cat lady, Shendi, your cook, Ritu, your BFF, and Champak, your dog, I have also been waiting for the release of Yeh Jawaani Hain Deewani with bated breath. The songs are fantastic, Ranbir and Deepika are a delight, and I always wanted to know more about what really went down in the Eurotrip part of DDLJ, and who better than Karan Johar to tell us this story because he was THERE! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Even the bit where they give Deepika a pair of glasses and we’re all supposed to pretend that she’s a nerd. That’s exactly like Superman wearing a chasma to become Clark Kent. Everyone bought the latter, so I guess they’ll buy the former, and that’s the pop culture world I am leaving behind for my kids with Ranbir… hmmm I wonder whether he likes boxers or briefs.

(pause)

Okaaaay, moving on… what happened at the Premiere?

Well, for one, Deepika decided to ignore all our Cannes advice and break my heart.

31yjhd-premiere1

I sort of like it, and I sort of don’t at the same time. It’s cool that they’ve played with the hemline, but I am of the firm opinion that this much gold and white should be preserved for a South Indian wedding. Also honey, how HOT are you in there? You know that when they say 34 degrees, they don’t mean it like Bachelor of Arts, right? Here, have a mango milkshake.

31yjhd-premiere2

Well, at least Deepika was better than Kalki.

I imaging this was the result of Kalki’s mom sending her a baby outfit as a hint, and Kalki misinterpreting it and putting it on herself. Because what ELSE could explain this? Would you believe it that SHE, a grown-up woman with a promising career full of smart movies, would step out of her house in her pyjamas-with-matching-jacket? WHAT?

Oh put on a gown, Kalki.

31yjhd-premiere5

And here’s Mr. Kolhapuri Chappals. Or Mr. NoTime for Jeans-Alteration. Or Mr. Untuck Shirtjones. Or Mr. They Started Promoting Me Here After Ashiqui Became a Hit. 

You decide.

31yjhd-premiere3

And then there was Ranbir. With his casual yet dapper jeans and blazer plus stubble look. And he even remembered to wear proper shoes! Oh be still, my beating heart.

Screen Shot 2013-05-31 at 1.58.53 PM

The internet tells me that this is someone named Evelyn Sharma. My instinct tells me that there’s a very angry naked sofa walking around with a vendetta, somewhere.

 

 

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Big B’s birthday bash

After I crawled out from under the rock I was living… under, I realised that Amitabh Bachchan had turned the big 7-oh. And of course he threw a bash befitting his iconic status. Take that Karan Johar.

Let’s see what everyone pulled out of their closets.

Amitabh Bachchan donned a velvet bandhgala. Is it strange that he can carry velvet and not Shahrukh Khan? Jaya Bachchan rummaged through Aishwarya’s closet and picked the brightest maternity tent she could find. Shweta Nanda (with her husband and son) and Aishwarya colour coded and for once I don’t want to rip that anarkali off the Bachchan Bahu. And look, how sweet of them to let a waiter pose for their family photo.

Shahrukh Khan is still in velvet except he now looks like Hugh Hefner. Gauri Khan is showing me way too much of her artificially tanned skin than I am ok with.

With the John Abraham marriage rumours hounding her to an early death, Bipasha Basu decided to come dressed as a bride. Take that John’s girlfriend.

What! Sonakshi Sinha is related to Kajol and Ajay Devgn? Why else is she in their family photo in her richly coloured anarkali? How is Tanisha still part of Bollywood? I get that Kajol wanted to ditch the flowing anarkali but why wear her curtain instead? Ajay, your suit’s a little tight but that might be because you take method acting to another level and never relax your Son of Sardar stance.

Parineeti Chopra, why did your stylist not tell you that you are too young and pretty to be swathed in so much cloth and in such a dull colour?

This photo just makes me very sad.

This, on the other hand, makes me super happy. Genelia D’Souza and Riteish Deshmukh’s marriage has done wonders to their style. The gold dress stands out in a sea of floating anarkalis and Riteish is killing it in that tux.

Neetu Singh is the poster girl of ageing gracefully (Rekha, take notes). Her attire is bright and bold but she still carries it well. Rishi Kapoor looks like a chubby penguin. I mean that in the best possible way. I would never ridicule my future lover’s parents.

Rahul Khanna is alive! I’m so glad Vinod Khanna (with his wife Kavita) chose to bring this brother. Now we can all bask in Rahul’s sexy appearance because it’s so rare. Enjoy it while it lasts, people.

I’m sure Shamita Shetty’s dress looks great but I’m not a huge fan of her (who is?) so I don’t like the dress either. Yes, I am unbiased in life.  I get it that Shilpa (with husband Raj Kundra) has to cover her baby fat but don’t do it in a brightly coloured poncho.

I have no great fashion related observations to make here. I Just wanted to show you Anupam and Kirron Kher’s bodyguard who also doubles up as a wrestler who also moonlights as their son —Sikander Kher.

I don’t know why but I have this feeling that Ayesha Takia Azmi (with her husband Farhan Azmi) is going to break into the garba. Don’t ask me why.

Shit! That’s Mahima Choudhary. The Obla Dee, Obla Doo girl from Pardes! Obla Dee shit!

And finally, Preity Zinta in a salwar kameez I owned in the 90s and wore to the Diwali party at school.