Cover-up material

In Varun Bahl

In Varun Bahl

We are evidently still doing peplums not that I’m complaining. I love peplums because they totally hide my underbelly flab and a little of my gigantic backside making it seem normal-sized. Not that Parineeti Chopra has to bother with such things. I think she has a great body, one that is healthy and totally believable and she should stop giving interviews where she refers to herself as overweight and explain how she’s on this spree to lose weight. Average-size is not overweight. It is just, you know, average size.

In Atsu Sekhose

In Atsu Sekhose

To drive my point home further, this is her on the cover of Femina looking stunning. This is very different from the usual Femina covers that tend to be brightly lit and not so sultry with very little experimentation with the model’s look. However, with this cover and the photos inside, Femina has made a departure from the usual bubbly portrayal of Parineeti. There is a certain soft sexiness to her and she’s totally owning it.

Wearing Sonaakshi Raaj

Wearing Sonaakshi Raaj

That is how you do side boob with a touch of class.

In a gorgeous Gauri and Nainika

In a gorgeous Gauri and Nainika

And some cleavage too. She looks like she is pining for a lover. Only if the rest of us looked this great after a break up.

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Pink it was…

Parineeti Chopra1

all just a little too gulabi.

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A closer look reveals a rather large diamond ring. I am tempted to start an engagement rumour but alas she is wearing it in the right hand. Maybe she is engaged and is playing a sneaky game only celebrities can and has slid the ring onto the ring finger of the wrong hand.

Let’s play a little game of our own.

IIFA Q – Baatcheet

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Shah Rukh Khan: And that, my young ones, is how you become a Bollywood superstar.

Ayushmann Khurana: Balle! Balle!

Parineeti Chopra: This is all so funny. Your pajamas and side buttons are so funny, Ayushmann. I, for my part, look stunning. This is how you rock a plain black gown. With a wide belt, thigh slit and wrist armour.

Sushant Singh Rajput: Hahaha! Ayushmann’s pajamas.

Shahid Kapoor: Ha! I know. So listen. What’s with your shabby suit?

Sushant: I had a hit film this year.

Shahid: *white noise*

It’s all about loving the Birthday Boy

Karan Johar (actually it was Aarti Shetty, filmmaker Manmohan Shetty’s daughter) held Bollywood’s annual peace conference also known as his birthday bash. You know that everyone showed up but sadly all the images are of them in their cars trying to block out the paparazzi. Now, I could comment on their Audis, Mercs and BMWs but I don’t think that would do justice to those who come here for fashion. So this is the best I could conjure.

Note to self: At Anuya’s birthday next month take photos of friends alighting from rickshaws, buses and their 12cc Scooty Peps.

Karan JoharHere’s the birthday boy looking spiffy in a leather jacket – in the summer heat – stifling a fart.

Manish Malhotra, Kajol, Karisma Kapur, Karan Johar

Manish Malhotra tweeted this photo of himself, Kajol, Karisma Kapoor and Karan. Karisma’s totally pulling off the disco ball outfit. But is that an aquarium Kajol has on for a jacket? The fish are actually swimming towards her neck like they’d like to give her face a pedicure.

Parineeti Chopra

Parineeti Chopra not only chose to wear a bandage dress, a trend that’s long wrapped up, but also chose one that has horizontal stripes adorning the widest part of anyone’s anatomy.

Sussanne Roshan

Sussanne Roshan in an LBD. Whatever. Sussanne Roshan carrying a pillow for the sleepover? Now we are talking.

Saqib Saleem and Huma Qureshi

Huma Qureshi brought brother Saqib Saleem to commemorate the momentous occasion of her not looking frumpy. While the neon skirt is cool she could have paired it with another top and a whole other pair of shoes.

UPDATE: Huma’s actually wearing a dress and not a skirt with a top. I stand corrected. However, I still don’t like the top half of it.

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer ‘I don’t care enough’ Singh high-fiving the press.

Karan Johan, Aamir Khan

It’s heartening to see that celebrities also dress like us the morning after in shorts and chappals.

Colors Screen Awards

Award season is here! And even though most of us treat it like bird droppings on a white shirt — annoying but harmless, a conversation starter and even a good omen — Anuya and I live for it. It gives us something to do other than bitch and whine about the crappy movies we had to endure during the year. What could be better than these very crappy movies being awarded? I’ll tell you what. The preceding Red Carpet. For some it’s a victory lap for others it’s a walk of shame.

This is how Bollywood dressed for the 19th Colors Screen Awards.

Deepika Padukone1

I love the colour on Deepika Padukone but I’m not sure about the lace overlay. But if you have a body like that and a face like that and hair that falls in perfect waves, you can pretty much wear what the hell you want.

Sonakshi Sinha

What do all those symbols on Sonakshi Sinha’s gown stand for? Is this a coded message for Prof Robert Langdon? Let us know if Hinduism needs to be saved, Sonakshi. But seriously, why are the wings of a bleached crow holding up your breasts?

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer Singh seems to be under the impression that he looks ‘cool’ in anything he chooses to wear. Sorry but you ain’t rumoured girlfriend Deepika. So show some respect even to the 19th Colors Screen Awards and put on some well-cut pants.

Parineeti Chopra1

Does Parineeti Chopra have a rash? Is she recovering from a sunburn? Does she play a Victorian slave in her next film? Why else would she be dressed like a body bag with a bow and hairband?

Huma Qureshi

Huma Qureshi, stop employing Parineeti’s stylist.

Ameesha Patel

You know it’s a dark day in fashion when Ameesha Patel looks less trashy. By some weird stroke of luck or a hard look in the mirror, Ameesha ditched her previous ‘look at me, look at me’ avatar for this surprisingly subtle-sexy look. I am so overwhelmed that I won’t even question her presence at a Bollywood awards show.

UPDATE: Looks like I spoke too soon. A VERY observant friend pointed out that you can actually see her nipple pasties. Guess old habits die hard.

Alia Bhatt

The awesomeness of this dress is lost on Alia Bhatt.

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Gauri Khan looks refreshingly sober here. Her tan seems to have dulled to a more human hue and the dress is simple and elegant. The shoes and clutch do not deserve a mention.

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The sheer talent in this photo is blinding.

Maar dala

So Anuya and I watched Jab Tak Hai Jaan (JTHJ) as homage to one of Bollywood’s greatest filmmakers but mostly because we needed an excuse to escape two hours of Laxmi Pooja. But after we stumbled out of, what felt like a five hour long film, we’d sit through many poojas and smoky havans.

While JTHJ had the makings of an epic romance, we were left cringing and at other times rolling our eyes at the stupidity and leaps of logic the film was throwing at us. I’ll take Anushka Sharma in short-shorts and a tank top at an army base in Kashmir but I draw the line at passing off an otherwise 47-year-old Shah Rukh Khan as a fresh off the boat 25-year-old.

But, like always, nobody ever listens to us and all of Bollywood turned out for the film’s premiere. Fashion-wise they fared only marginally better than the film’s storyline.

SRK has and will always be a ladies’ man and who can stop him when he looks so dapper in a bow tie? (Aside: How hot does he look as a brooding army officer in the film!?) Anushka looks great and for her sake I hope that’s a dress and not a pair of pants with very, very flared bottoms. If I did not know better I’d think that was Katrina Kaif’s wax statue that stopped by on its way to Madame Tussauds. In fact I think it’s her statue. Notice how it’s emoting. I’m not sure if that’s a sari or some sort of skirt with a lace overlay. If it’s the former then it’s safe to say that we no longer wear petticoats under our saris, ladies.

Akshay Kumar is not wearing socks and Twinkle Khanna is wearing her mother’s hair. Moving on…

See, this is what marriage does to you – you start dressing like each other. Kiran Rao seems to have adopted Aamir Khan’s polished, streamlined style in this basic but elegant LBD. Aamir, though, is wearing Kiran’s jogging pants.

Bipasha Basu as Sonam Kapoor’s style inspiration? I did not see this one coming.

It’s like Parineeti Chopra’s dress is slowly eating its way up. I wonder what she looked like at the end of the premiere. Morticia Addams would have been proud. I do like her red clutch, though.

I think I can officially start a pregnancy rumour. Yes?

Amisha Patel, I get it that you have boobs, lustrous locks and no acting talent. Must you flaunt all three in my unimpressed face?

Big B’s birthday bash

After I crawled out from under the rock I was living… under, I realised that Amitabh Bachchan had turned the big 7-oh. And of course he threw a bash befitting his iconic status. Take that Karan Johar.

Let’s see what everyone pulled out of their closets.

Amitabh Bachchan donned a velvet bandhgala. Is it strange that he can carry velvet and not Shahrukh Khan? Jaya Bachchan rummaged through Aishwarya’s closet and picked the brightest maternity tent she could find. Shweta Nanda (with her husband and son) and Aishwarya colour coded and for once I don’t want to rip that anarkali off the Bachchan Bahu. And look, how sweet of them to let a waiter pose for their family photo.

Shahrukh Khan is still in velvet except he now looks like Hugh Hefner. Gauri Khan is showing me way too much of her artificially tanned skin than I am ok with.

With the John Abraham marriage rumours hounding her to an early death, Bipasha Basu decided to come dressed as a bride. Take that John’s girlfriend.

What! Sonakshi Sinha is related to Kajol and Ajay Devgn? Why else is she in their family photo in her richly coloured anarkali? How is Tanisha still part of Bollywood? I get that Kajol wanted to ditch the flowing anarkali but why wear her curtain instead? Ajay, your suit’s a little tight but that might be because you take method acting to another level and never relax your Son of Sardar stance.

Parineeti Chopra, why did your stylist not tell you that you are too young and pretty to be swathed in so much cloth and in such a dull colour?

This photo just makes me very sad.

This, on the other hand, makes me super happy. Genelia D’Souza and Riteish Deshmukh’s marriage has done wonders to their style. The gold dress stands out in a sea of floating anarkalis and Riteish is killing it in that tux.

Neetu Singh is the poster girl of ageing gracefully (Rekha, take notes). Her attire is bright and bold but she still carries it well. Rishi Kapoor looks like a chubby penguin. I mean that in the best possible way. I would never ridicule my future lover’s parents.

Rahul Khanna is alive! I’m so glad Vinod Khanna (with his wife Kavita) chose to bring this brother. Now we can all bask in Rahul’s sexy appearance because it’s so rare. Enjoy it while it lasts, people.

I’m sure Shamita Shetty’s dress looks great but I’m not a huge fan of her (who is?) so I don’t like the dress either. Yes, I am unbiased in life.  I get it that Shilpa (with husband Raj Kundra) has to cover her baby fat but don’t do it in a brightly coloured poncho.

I have no great fashion related observations to make here. I Just wanted to show you Anupam and Kirron Kher’s bodyguard who also doubles up as a wrestler who also moonlights as their son —Sikander Kher.

I don’t know why but I have this feeling that Ayesha Takia Azmi (with her husband Farhan Azmi) is going to break into the garba. Don’t ask me why.

Shit! That’s Mahima Choudhary. The Obla Dee, Obla Doo girl from Pardes! Obla Dee shit!

And finally, Preity Zinta in a salwar kameez I owned in the 90s and wore to the Diwali party at school.

Once Upon A Time

Neha’s outfit here reminds me of Parineeti Chopra’s pretty peplum number. The salmon is a darling shade and the white shirt adds a brisk, no-nonsense touch that negates its uber girliness.

But of course, in Neha’s case, you’re also wondering if the skirt doubles up as a tent, and if little furry woodland creatures escape the warmth of her thighs at night to go out into the world and participate in Pixar movies.

Well you would be, you know, if you were me.

P.S. – How lovely is her hair? One of the woodland creatures must have previously lived among Adhuna Akhtar’s thighs.