Katti Batti was screened. People came to watch it

Kangana

By now Kangana Ranaut has had to attend so many movie promotion events that she’s like, “Fuck you! I’m gonna leave my house in bathroom chappals. Try and stop me. No, no. Just try.”

Sonam
Sonam Kapoor will NEVER think like that.

Huma
Huma Qureshi wants you to know that she thinks she looks great. Yes, Huma, we get it. You do look good here.

Aditi
Gladiator sandals! The best trend since bathroom chappals. Also, why don’t we talk more about how Aditi Rao Hydari’s fashion choices are pretty much always on point? I think that’s a conversation we should all be having.

Neha
I can’t tell you how glad I am that we can now wear sneakers with dresses. I know that’s been the trend for a while now but until EVERYONE in Bollywood does not do it how can the rest of us?

Richa
Anytime I see a Richa Chadda photo it feels like she’s verbalising her inner thoughts. Like she’s always being snapped mid conversation. Or maybe I just chose this photo on purpose. Also, that top is super trippy.

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Filmfare Awards

The Filmfare Awards took place for the 59th time – coincidentally, that’s Rekha’s current age and the age Shah Rukh Khan will never mature to in a Karan Johar film.

Gone with the wind in a in Gaurav Gupta

Gone with the wind in a Gaurav Gupta

A huge hurricane named Katrina blew Deepika Padukone’s dress away and as a result there are very few images of her right profile.

Aside: Why is her stylist referring to the Golden Globes look book and putting her in dresses that have got enough press and for all the wrong reasons? Lady Victoria Hervey, an Englishman’s answer to Queenie Dhody, wore the same dress to the Globes this year and not many thought she was victorious.

In Alexander McQueen

Priyanka Chopra in Alexander McQueen

This one is the rebellious cousin of Deepika’s church-going one (see link above). The pockets look like they are set afire by gold leaves and I would not be surprised if Deepika grabbed Priyanka and put her on her mantel mistaking her for the best actress trophy. Oh shit spoilers! Ah well, you’ll live.

That's a Louis Vuitton orgy happening on him

That’s a Louis Vuitton orgy happening on Ranveer Singh

I’m going to smoke up and watch the pattern come to life and try to strangle the teddy bear on his loafers. I suggest you do the same.

Kajol in a Nandita Mahtani gown

Kajol in a Nandita Mahtani gown

This is a great movie star shot. Unfortunately what she has on is not. I suspect she dropped her kids at the babysitter’s in her nightie and realised there was not enough time so she strapped on a belt and made it in time for this photo.

Anjana Sukhani

Anjana Sukhani

This one might as well be called Ruffle Lays.

Huma Qureshi in Gauri & Nainika

Huma Qureshi in Gauri & Nainika

And this one too. Ruffle Lays Magic Masala.

Preity Zinta in an extremely similar Gauri & Nainika too

Preity Zinta in an extremely similar Gauri & Nainika

Another movie star shot and another Ruffle Lays, this one Magic Masala with Tazos inside.

Dia Mirza in a very confusing Shantanu & Nikhil

Dia Mirza in a very confusing Shantanu & Nikhil

You can’t see from this angle but what she has on is a cropped top, leggings and a Lannister cloak worn as a nauvari sari.

Rekha doing her thang, y'all

Rekha doing her thang, y’all

That’s all the cloth of gold the Lannisters ever owned.

Neha Dhupia in a blouse by Payal Singhal and an Anju Modi skirt

Neha Dhupia in a blouse by Payal Singhal and an Anju Modi skirt

I’ll take it. And maybe lose the neckpieces and add earrings. But I’ll take it.

Karisma Kapoor in  Anamika Khanna

Karisma Kapoor in Anamika Khanna

The dress is the equivalent of a drunken Punjabi wedding where no one knows what the fuck is happening but everyone is in good spirits.

Kalki Koechlin in a lot of Sabyasachi

Kalki Koechlin in a lot of Sabyasachi

Yes, she is mourning the demise of her marriage. How did you guess?

A note to Sabyasachi and all those who wear him: Allow me to introduce you to the concept of a streamlined silhouette. This bada hai toh behtar hai philosophy does not work every time.

wearing a gorgeous Nikhil Thampi

Vaani Kapoor wearing a gorgeous Nikhil Thampi

I mean, if I had a body like that I too would wear as minimal clothes as possible. Let’s see what the valet guy is gawking at so intently.

Vaani Kapoor1

Work it, girl.

Richa Chadda in a Hervé Léger

Richa Chadda in a Hervé Léger

This dress is stupid. It’s drag-racing-drunk-without-a-seat-belt stupid. It’s a bandage dress with a whole carton of Ruffle Lays on it. The idea of a bandage dress is to show off the wearer’s figure so why would you cover it in cheap cake frosting? I blame the designer for this one. Her styling is not helping either.

Amrita Rao in a Payal Singhal sari

Amrita Rao in a Payal Singhal sari

Does she not remind you of a child actor from the ’50s who had an illustrious career playing a boy but when puberty hit no one knew what to do with her so now she is married to a producer 20 years her senior?

Nimrat Kaur wearing a Shehlaa sari

Nimrat Kaur wearing a Shehlaa sari

And that’s her pushy mother trying to relive her glamour days through her child. I mean this in the best possible way because she looks so old school Bollywood chic.

Emilio Pucci on Ileana D'cruz

Emilio Pucci on Ileana D’cruz (that reads weird)

Her extra long sleeves are spreading their lacy tentacles all across her body and soon she’ll star as Venom in a feminist remake of Spider-Man where the protagonist makes it her mission to rid the world of cobwebs.

Aditi Rao Hydari in Gaurav Gupta

Aditi Rao Hydari in Gaurav Gupta

The shoes she can courier me the rest she can burn, starting with that appliqué patch on her head.

Prachi Desai in Swapnil Shinde (that reads weird)

Prachi Desai in Swapnil Shinde

Bani Dixit (bet you did not know that was her surname) sexing it up? Hmmm… What would Mr Walia say?

Sophie Choudry in BCBG which sounds like an acronym for a bunch of Hindi gaalis

Sophie Choudry in BCBG which sounds like an acronym for a bunch of Hindi gaalis

Sophie Choudry did her bit to revive the age-old art of letter writing by encasing her twins in envelop flaps.

Konkona Sen Sharma drowning in a Rohit Bal anarkali

Konkona Sen Sharma drowning in a Rohit Bal anarkali

The white and gold combination is what you would normally wear to a Malayalee wedding along with gold in your weight, of course. But even by those standards this is too much gold.

Kajal Aggarwal in Monisha Jaising bling

Kajal Aggarwal in Monisha Jaising bling

I don’t believe the dress was stitched onto her, neither is there a JFK in sight and it’s definitely not his birthday.

Tamannah in Gauri & Nainika

Tamannah in Gauri & Nainika

She knows the dress is great and hence the smirk. Can we all say drama together?

Bruna Abdullah

Bruna Abdullah

Bruna Abdullah (you know her from…Google it, ya) is already so tall that the border of this anarkali is making her look like she is standing on stilts. Like she was the carnival attraction at Filmfare.

Chunky Pandey killing it

Chunky Pandey killing it

Bangladesh’s superstar was especially flown in to host the Red Carpet. If you ask me, Bollywood’s loss is Bangllywood’s (that’s what their industry is called, right?) gain. And this is Bollywood’s way of inviting him back into their fold but it’s too little too late, guys. We have lost a national treasure, especially when he looks this dapper.

Hosts Priyanka Chopra and Ranbir Kapoor

Hosts Priyanka Chopra and Ranbir Kapoor

Maybe if this was the pairing of Love Story 2050, life would have been very different.

Screen Awards red carpet

The Screen Awards took place and we all held our breath just waiting to know who went home with the coveted trophy. But when it comes to the telecast, we don’t have a seven second delay but more like a seven week delay. So you will have to wait a little longer to know the winners. Or you could just Google it. Whatever.

Abhay Deol and Preeti Desai

Abhay Deol and Preeti Desai in a Bare in Black gown

This couples’ tanning thing really works. A little too well.

Adhuna and Farhan Akhtar

Adhuna and Farhan Akhtar

I love Adhuna’s quirky sense of style. It’s like her way of rebelling against the ‘star-wife’ label. More power to you, girl. And that is how you wear a velvet waistcoat with Jodhpur-ish pants.

Aditi Rao Hydari in Harsh Harsh

Aditi Rao Hydari in Harsh Harsh

This needs something more happening. It all seems very flat and sort of like a snorefest.

Anjana Sukhani

Anjana Sukhani

Dude, is that a full and final velvet gown!? Talk about subtle use of fabric.

Bipasha Basu in Manish Malhotra

Bipasha Basu in Manish Malhotra

And that is how you wear velvet and an anarkali. In small doses and with less ghera, respectively. She really is looking good, no? Maybe marriage is the answer.

Boman Irani

Boman Irani

Yes, I will shake your hand but only because you are awesome.

Chitrangda Singh in Dior

Chitrangda Singh in Dior

If her last look was all about drama this is a little anticlimatic. Maybe another colour or a more glamorous hairstyle would have worked. But don’t worry, Chitrangda, the world (my amma and I) still loves you.

Deepika Padukone in Alexander McQueen

Deepika Padukone in Alexander McQueen

I suspect this one has gone a little wrong. I can’t point out why exactly. But feel is not coming. Like kuch kuch nahi hota hai when I see this gown. Could it be because Kate Hudson wore it to the Golden Globes LAST YEAR?

Divya Dutta

Divya Dutta

Take a beach holiday, woman and go drown that attire while you are at it.

Yo Yo Honey Singh

Yo Yo Honey Singh

He is making some very rude gestures but given the nature of his lyrics I should not be surprised.

Huma Qureshi

Huma Qureshi in Nikhil Thampi

Yes, the sun really does shine out of Huma Qureshi’s ear. Even Kalki Koechlin seems to think so…

Kalki in Nikhil Thampi

Kalki in Nikhil Thampi too

We get it. Huma is not responsible for Kalki’s divorce. You guys are the best of friends and you, Kalki, even helped Huma into that earpiece type-thingy. That ornament has a legitimate name but I’ve forgotten it. And I refuse to Google it since the Internet and I are currently in a complicated relationship.

This is one of Huma’s better looks. The dress fits her curves well and for once her hair is doing good things. But I’m thinking I should just give up on cribbing whenever people bastardise the sari. I can see Kalki’s leg. Should she not be wearing a petticoat underneath? My grandmother would not approve.

Juhi Chawla

Juhi Chawla

Why is she still promoting Son of Sardar?

In Shantanu & Nikhil

In Shantanu & Nikhil

No, no, no. Kajol, don’t fall back into your old trap. You were doing so well. This look seems so closed-up and nun-like. Unless… she is trying to cover a big old hickey. That’s one expensive way of doing it, if you ask me. Just paste on a bandage next time.

In Ranna Gill

In Ranna Gill

Look who’s back! And I have nothing unpleasant to say about Neha Dhupia. Except maybe… actually, no. But, I do want to wake up next to that cuff every morning and bring it breakfast in bed.

Nimrat Kaur

Nimrat Kaur

I’m loving the hint of boobies, sorry décolletage and the hair pulled away to show them off. Yet, I’m unsure of the puffed sleeves.

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer Singh

The velvet jacket with the waistcoat seems a bit much. Like it was initially a three-piece tux, but since he is Ranveer Singh and eccentric and all that, his stylist chose the blue jacket.

Wearing Innana by Monica & Karishma

Wearing Monica & Karishma

Do you think it’s just that some people can’t pull-off gowns as well as others can? There really is nothing horrifyingly wrong with the look, apart from the fact that the pattern overwhelms and the stylist should have put her hair up. As in Richa Chadda’s.

Sona Mohapatra

Sona Mohapatra

This is how Anarkali (the person, not the trend) must have looked and felt like when the last brick was laid.

In an Amit GT gown

In an Amit GT gown

I don’t know what Sonakshi Sinha or her stylist have been smoking but pat yourselves on the back and roll another one.

In Gaurav Gupta

In Gaurav Gupta

This dress on Shruti Hassan reminds me of a cold night at the graveyard. Let me hasten to assure you that Shruti does not look like the undead, far from it, but something about the blue and black and net gives me an eerie feeling.

In Amritraj Bora

In Amritraj Bora showing way too much of her Boras

As does this one on Sonal Chauhan. Somewhere a koli has lost the day’s catch.

In a Manish Malhotra sari

In a Manish Malhotra sari

Who sends her invites and why? At least Sophie Chaudhary has the decency to dress well.

PS: Raise your hand if you are missing Sonam Kapoor.

Possibly my worst nightmare

Neha Dhupia, Esha Gupta, Chitrangda Singh

There is something extremely disturbing about grown women shaving themselves in public with all the world’s media capturing it. It’s the worst concept for a reality show. Which means it will have the highest TRPs. No, but seriously. What is HAPPENING here? I understand they are endorsing a razor and are only demonstrating its best features. So by that logic what can we expect when actors decide to endorse sanitary napkins or condoms?

In DRVV by Dhruv Kapur separates and a shirt from Express

In DRVV by Dhruv Kapur separates and a shirt from Express

Neha Dhupia’s kinky boss gave her the day off to attend the event. That is the only explanation for the fact that she’s dressed like the receptionist at a porn magazine.

In Manish Arora with Amrapali earrings

In Manish Arora with Amrapali earrings

Esha Gupta’s dress is cute barring the small issue of bells hanging from her tits and crotch. But her overall look with the orange shoes is nice.

Wearing Zara with Christian Louboutin heels

Wearing Zara with Christian Louboutin heels

The white of the sheath dress works great against Chitrangda Singh’s dusky skin. I’m glad she refuses to endorse fairness creams. Also, I might want to adopt those navy beaded Louboutins and raise them as my own.

Christmas Has Come Early

And it’s called the Blender’s Pride – House of Style Fashion Tour 2013 Preview.

blenders-pride-house-of-style-fashion-tour-2013-preview-66099_600

Look, ma, I found the extras from the Don 3 title track song shoot!

blenders-pride-house-of-style-fashion-tour-2013-preview-66105_600

I like it when Neha Dhupia wears a truly quirky/cool outfit to show us that she doesn’t have to be conventional to dress awesome, but then ruins it by doing something silly like making her hair look like a pile of turd.

blenders-pride-house-of-style-fashion-tour-2013-preview-66115_600

Presenting, the villains of of Krissh 4! Starring Wendell Rodricks as Captain Pants! He flies around making people’s trousers turn weird mismatched shades, so that you look like a Govinda fan in your power business meeting and lose your clients as he sniggers, Dick Dastardly style, outside your window.

blenders-pride-house-of-style-fashion-tour-2013-preview-66117_600

THIS GUY, as modern-day Jafar from Aladdin, who did everything in his power to fit into this world but was given away when he wore his jeans inside his suit.

blenders-pride-house-of-style-fashion-tour-2013-preview-66104_600

And Evelyn Sharma as Fashion Victim Poison Ivy, who changed her outfit’s shade of green because she read on style.com that “NEON IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!”

blenders-pride-house-of-style-fashion-tour-2013-preview-66101_600

And this, is PHOOL. She’s like the Indian version of The Joker, but she’s also a girly girl so she’s trying to find a balance with this outfit. She’s badassed it up with those fishnet-esque sleeves and by showing that those flowers are actually grabbing her boobs. It’s a subtle statement against all Bollywood sex scenes that begin with hero and heroine looking deeply into each other’s eyes and then the director cutting away to two flowers bumping uglies, because PHOOL, like Robin Hood, is an evil villain fighting for the good and the just.

Next change outfit: A Being Alien t-shirt to make a statement against aliens being unnecessarily vilified in Sci-fi movies.

Beauty and the Boring Award Shows

For all those of you not in the know, Beauty Awards are basically what magazines do to get celebs and brands to come together for some mutual back-scratching,.. actually. That’s EVERY award show, but in movie awards at least it’s the people that get the rewards. At Beauty Award shows, PRODUCTS get rewarded. That’s right. “And the Best Ladies Perfume: Day Award Goes to  *pregnant pause* Sherlyn Chopra’s Bottled Natural Body Musk!

Now unless they get people to dress up like product bottles as they come to accept the awards (Imagine a giant bottle of sunscreen walking onstage and making Sunny Deol puns) I don’t understand how this can possibly be entertaining. However, it gets a whole bunch of stylists (or the Vogue team, in this case) to go berserk trying to make celebs stand out and wear stuff like (see below), so I’m not complaining, because FODDERRRRR.

SarahJane

Sarah Jane Dias escaped from prison and hid in the Reynolds factory where she rolled around in the dye until one day that her manager called her and told her that she needs to appear at the Vogue Beauty Awards to get a career back. Then she was featured on a fast-growing humour blog called Fire Your Stylist and went on to win a Razzie. You’re welcome, Sarah Jane! SUPER AIR KISSIES!

AdhunaAkhtarAdhuna Akhtar is here declaring her hipster status with the glasses and the deliberate non-conformity with the shoes and ISTHATDENIM?ONANEVENINGDRESS?WHAT? bag. You go, girl. As an aside: That really is a pretty dress. 

vogue3-aug2

Hey look, it’s that guy from Rang De Basanti! What’s he doing here? Is it 2003 again? I like his clothes though, because grey and denim is one of my favourite combinations. Nice clothes, dude! Whatever are you up to these days? Have you opened a production company with Dia Mirza and Zayed Khan as yet?

vogue5-aug2

It’s Aditi Rao Hydari, being a living, breathing mating call to Jon Pigeon. Watching nature in action always takes my breath away… *passes doobie*

SonamKapoor

In Alexander McQueen… but obviously

That I love Alexander McQueen is no secret. In my list of brands I’ll only be able to afford if I get adopted by an Ambani, McQueen ranks second, after Elie Saab. Sonam Kapoor has picked a great dress here, but the belt and the hair… maybe her stylist used to be an extra from Kill Bill Vol 1?

In Debashish Samanta

In Debashish Samanta

NEHA DHUPIA! OMG GUYS SHE IS BACK! *single tear runs down eye* I give her full marks because she is paying homage to the Star Wars, the Shiv Sena and granite bathroom tiles at the SAME TIME and that only deserves applause and Tequila shots and teddy bears and iPhone covers.

DianaPenty

In Falguni and Shane Peacock

I love this so much I want to take it behind middle school and get it pregnant (everyone who watches 30 Rock say WOOHOO) I still come from the “SOMEONE FEED DIANA PENTY” school of thought, but that, is an outstanding dress, under an outstanding face, and I want this dress, what do I have to do to get it? WHAT?

If only I was born with great face genes. Then I could’ve just made a lot of money taking selfies too.

IIFA Q – Part 2

Sophie Choudry

Sophie Choudry, that’s actually a nice gown but nobody cares. Seriously, why is she even issued a passport?

Sridevi

It’s great to see Sridevi not limiting herself to saris just because this is her ‘second innings’. Yet, I think she’s always a step away from getting it pitch perfect. There’s nothing wrong with this look. It’s a nice enough gown and fits her well but I don’t know. Is it the hair? Does she look a little disproportionate?

Sridevi1

It’s more pronounced here. Her bust just does not seem in keeping with the rest of her body.

Anushka sharma

Anushka Sharma’s bustline, on the other hand, is not doing its job well. Woman, eat something so you can grow a pair. Eat a pear even. Stop going from skinny to skinnier. Also, I hate your hair. Go bald and wait for it to grow out.

Vidya Balan

It’s no longer funny. Just sad. Very sad. It will never get better, will it?

Diana Penty

Diana Penty, you’re pretty and young. Wear a dress. Vaccinate yourself against Vidyabalansari-itis.

UPDATE: I’m slacking or am losing my eyesight or simply my mind. That’s not Diana Penty. It’s Pooja Kumar (Thanks Anj for pointing that out). She was in Vishwaroopam. You really can’t trust the internet these days. Still, darling, put on a dress.

Divya Dutta

Now, I don’t mind someone like Divya Dutta in a sari. I just have a problem when she looks like a cross dressing Aamir Khan.

Neha Dhupia

If you’ve not noticed, Neha Dhupia and we have a love-hate relationship. This might not be not her best work but I’m going to give it to her. Just because it stands out in the sea of gowns and saris. It’s very high-priestess-of-the-pantheon but I’m not going to speak ill of it. I’m not. Maybe… NO!

Lisa Haydon

Sigh. I’m going to kill myself by drowning in that pattern. Thanks a lot, Lisa Haydon. I feel so good about myself now.

Deepika Padukone

Ditto Deepika. My neck is thicker than her exposed thigh. Whatever. I’m going to console myself with the fact that her ‘Tamilian’ accent in Chennai Express is the film’s comic relief.

Bling ring unsettling

I recently witnessed the miracle of a cat giving birth in my drawer (long story) and somehow this is an even bigger mess.

Neha Dhupia

Neha Dhupia, like all of us, does have her moments of clarity where she looks elegant and well styled. Neha, however, like the rest of us, also has moments of utter misjudgement. Like the time Anuya had seven shots of tequila and danced to Kajra Re in a very short skirt. At her cousin’s wedding. In Satara. But we don’t talk about that.

The jumpsuit, I believe, was originally designed by a sadist as an instrument of torture. S/he loved watching people squirm in their seats holding their pee in. Then s/he tripped people as they sprinted to the loo while trying to first locate and then undo the zipper and then peel the entire garment which, by the time, was too piddle too late. And just like the other instruments of torture – the corset and stiletto – the jumpsuit too was adopted as fashion.

But I digress. Neha wore this sequined nightmare to a jewellery awards jury meet. Like there was not enough bling already. The cut is obviously not flattering and why does she have chicken wing sleeves? Sequined chicken wing. I can’t take my eyes off her hips, it’s that fixating. WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?

With that a long overdue Neha Dhupia post comes to an end. I wish I had nicer things to say. Ha.

Hold on, there’s more. At the same shindig…

Yami Gautam

Yami Gautam wore a gown in a pretty pink. The entire look of it, though, feels like something you’d wear to Hetal ben’s sangeet just to be ‘mod’.

Mahima Chaudhry

Mahima Chaudhry is suffering from Vidyabalansari-itis.

Happy late Halloween, Neha Dhupia.

GUYS! This outfit is genius. Genius! You get it, right? This is Neha Dhupia, dressed as HoboMan, the dude who can make a dress out of a gunny sack and a 12-year-old’s tights!

GENIUS.

Loser Prom

The Rush Music Launch.

CHAK DE GIRL#42: I’m wearing a dress that’s too tight for me.

NEHA DHUPIA: I’m wearing a face that’s too tight for me.

EMRAAN HASHMI:  I’m wearing a vagina that’s too tight for me.

RANDOM WOMAN WHO WASN’T IN CHAK DE: Nothing’s too tight on my skinny frame hahaha, where’s my celery stick lunch?

ADITYA PANCHOLI: Pancholi ke peechey kya hai, Pancholi ke peechey. LOL.