Have you Sinha?

Sonakshi Sinha has come a long way. From being Salman Khan’s movie accessory to being Arjun Kapoor’s movie accessory, the journey has been arduous, mostly for people who watched her in all those movies (Sorry, a Lootera can only get you so far. Like if your career is a train journey, Lootera will take you from Churchgate to Dadar, tops. After that you’re on the mercy of Kaali-Peelis, and most of them will prolly say no because they have other important things to do, like scratch their balls and perm their hair.)

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From a fashion perspective, it’s been an evolution, and it gladdens my jaded heart to watch her go from being swaddled in all black to all these fashion experiments that I fondly refer to as the Sonam Kapoors.

Unfortunately, as we know, not all Sonam Kapoors are always hits.

In the one above for example, I’m expecting some spontaneous cray version of Bollywood Flamenco Moon Worship Dance, which she does to get The Mask’s attention…

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(I’m coming baby!)

…as he somersaults into the frame and whisks her away to the dulcet tunes of Copa Cabana, to a land far, far away where scripts for movies like Tevar and Action Jackson are used to make papier mache which is then used to make Leo DiCaprio idols.

To be fair (and what am I if not fair, huh?) the top is cute. But that fishtail skirt. I mean, it’s only genius if it’s subtly telling us the story of the Little Mermaid, you know, all she wanted was to be a part of the world above her hence the moon and the… hang on. There are 2 moons.

I give up.

 

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Let them eat cake

Happy Birthday to Lootera! You have turned three today. On this momentous occasion… What do you mean it’s not Looetra’s birthday? It’s pointless cutting a cake when it’s no one’s birthday. A lot like Ranveer Singh’s attire.

Lootera success party

Lootera success party

Look, I get it. He’s trying to be casual-cool. Like he does not give a fuck but the guy just can’t pull it off. Put on a shirt, will you? And lose the cap. You are INDOORS.

Sonakshi Sinha, though, is killing it in the basic white shirt and shiny, slack-like pants. Which are a lot like Ross’s leather ones that could not be pulled up after he slathered them with powder and lotion. I mean that in the best way possible. (I’m still hung up on Friends. I need to live in this century. What season is Three’s Company on?)

Sonakshi Sinha and Ranveer Singh1

“Yay! Bollywood Wednesdays at the club. Badtameez dil (x3), Maane na, maane na!

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“Also, chikni chameli chhup ke akeli pawwa chadha ke aayi!”

“Stop hogging the dance floor, you guys.”

Rahul Bose, Ekta Kapoor and Sonakshi Sinha

When I think of Ekta Kapoor, and I don’t often, I don’t think of her as a human being having human parts. So I almost chocked on my tequila milk when I saw this image. I mean BOOBS! A lot of them. I think Rahul Bose must have felt the same way here and Sonakshi is trying to not make a big deal about it. Them?

Yet another Lootera shindig

Finally Lootera is releasing. I’m not as excited for the film as I am about the fact that now Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi Sinha can stop whoring their film. I swear if I see another image of a moustached, almost shirtless Ranveer smiling creepily at a fashion-challenged Sonakshi, I will eat my own hand.

This is how it played out at a special screening of the film.

Ranveer Singh

Yes Ranveer, we too were crossing our fingers that you would button your shirt. And look! You’ve done that and put on a suit as well with a POCKET SQUARE. Bhagwan jab bhi deta hai and all that.

Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi Sinha

Ranveer’s stylist was so chuffed with their handiwork (I was going to type ‘handy job’ but then better judgement prevailed. Maybe not, seeing as how I did eventually write handy job. Twice.) that they did not let Ranveer change out of the suit. He sported the same look at yet another reality show for gold-digging parents.

Sonakshi Sinha and Ranveer Singh

Sonakshi, thankfully, changed out of the Dabangg-reject sari and kept it simple in a blazer and well-fitted denims. Good on her for once.

Zoya Akhtar

Zoya Akhtar personally served the guests nariyal pani from her stall.

Karan Johar

Karan Johar would have liked to put his best foot forward but a sagging hemline seems to be the problem. Also boring black.

Ekta Kapoor

Ekta Kapoor, on the other hand, found an interesting way to jazz up black. Just that I don’t think a skunk’s tail qualifies as high fashion.

Kiran Rao

Someone needs to take a trip to the Dhobi Ghat. That stain for a pattern deserves a thorough beating.

Sonakshi Ke Do Rang

Screen Shot 2013-06-30 at 3.01.45 PMSonakshi: I bet you can’t tell.

Ranveer: I bet you can’t tell either.

Sonakshi: That I’m cleverly using this bouquet of flowers to hide a tear in my dress! I AM GENIUS.

Ranveer: That I am practicing my Superman stare and I am hoping that if I look at you hard enough, you’ll become a cloud of smoke!

Sonakshi: You’re mean.

Ranveer: You’re boring.

Sonakshi: You’re mixing prints!

Ranveer:  You’re dressing like an extra from Moulin Rouge!

Sonakshi: Your tee used to be my couch.

Ranveer: Your forehead used to be my cricket pitch.

Sonakshi: I hate you.

Ranveer: I’m banging Deepika.

Sonakshi: Banging mins?

Ranveer: Sigh.

Lootera Blues

I didn’t know it was fashionable to wear maternity clothes even if you weren’t preggars.

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Thank you Sonakshi, for opening my eyes. MAKE WAY FOR PONCHOS, EVERYONE.

Although if she *were* preggars, and these two were a couple, and we could pretend that they were the Kim-Kanye of Bollywood, then Ranveer’s suit would’ve made perfect sense because it is so reflective, they’d use it to project the baby’s sonograms on it for the papz to feast their eyes on. MOAR PUBLICITY! Also a book based on their lives would be called Singhs and Sensibility: The Paradox.

(This is what happens to my brain when a stylist thinks it’s cool to combine a blue buttoned tee with a brown suit made of shoe polish.)