Ship of Theseus screening

Ship of Theseus had a screening and most of the big names attended solely because Aamir Khan threatened to courier them a DVD of Mela otherwise.

Katrina Kaif

Katrina Kaif, who after the screening, celebrated her happy birthday, dressed like an upside down orange candy.

Ranbir Kapoor

I just hope her alleged boyfriend took off his fedora for the screening otherwise Rani Mukerji would have missed half the film. Of course I’m assuming that Rani sat behind the couple. Why? Just because I can. Also I know the usher.

Rani Mukerji

If the Ship of Theseus was missing a sail it was because Rani wore it as pants. 

Ayushmann Khurrana

Ayushmann Khurrana’s wearing a ladies size small jacket in a lovely pastel hue. Just thought I’d point that out.

Jackie Shroff

My mother wept when she saw this image of Jackie Shroff. She remembers him looking like this and not like a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor who, in himself, is a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor.

Imran Khan and Avantika Malik

Imran Khan brought his own X and O game in case the film got too intellectual for him. As an aside, why are they dressed so formally while the others have basically rolled out of bed?

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Yet another Lootera shindig

Finally Lootera is releasing. I’m not as excited for the film as I am about the fact that now Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi Sinha can stop whoring their film. I swear if I see another image of a moustached, almost shirtless Ranveer smiling creepily at a fashion-challenged Sonakshi, I will eat my own hand.

This is how it played out at a special screening of the film.

Ranveer Singh

Yes Ranveer, we too were crossing our fingers that you would button your shirt. And look! You’ve done that and put on a suit as well with a POCKET SQUARE. Bhagwan jab bhi deta hai and all that.

Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi Sinha

Ranveer’s stylist was so chuffed with their handiwork (I was going to type ‘handy job’ but then better judgement prevailed. Maybe not, seeing as how I did eventually write handy job. Twice.) that they did not let Ranveer change out of the suit. He sported the same look at yet another reality show for gold-digging parents.

Sonakshi Sinha and Ranveer Singh

Sonakshi, thankfully, changed out of the Dabangg-reject sari and kept it simple in a blazer and well-fitted denims. Good on her for once.

Zoya Akhtar

Zoya Akhtar personally served the guests nariyal pani from her stall.

Karan Johar

Karan Johar would have liked to put his best foot forward but a sagging hemline seems to be the problem. Also boring black.

Ekta Kapoor

Ekta Kapoor, on the other hand, found an interesting way to jazz up black. Just that I don’t think a skunk’s tail qualifies as high fashion.

Kiran Rao

Someone needs to take a trip to the Dhobi Ghat. That stain for a pattern deserves a thorough beating.

Rang de, Basanti

Kiran Rao

I know I should be well-aware and hence immune to Kiran Rao’s ‘arty’ sense of style but it’s not like we have not seen her in something shapelier before. It’s great that she does not dress like a star wife (seeing as how that’s not her only claim to fame) in bandage dresses and over-embellished anarkalis. But why must the other extreme be this? A shapeless, colourless rag. It’s not like I’ll take her less seriously if she wore pink or a belt or something.

Maar dala

So Anuya and I watched Jab Tak Hai Jaan (JTHJ) as homage to one of Bollywood’s greatest filmmakers but mostly because we needed an excuse to escape two hours of Laxmi Pooja. But after we stumbled out of, what felt like a five hour long film, we’d sit through many poojas and smoky havans.

While JTHJ had the makings of an epic romance, we were left cringing and at other times rolling our eyes at the stupidity and leaps of logic the film was throwing at us. I’ll take Anushka Sharma in short-shorts and a tank top at an army base in Kashmir but I draw the line at passing off an otherwise 47-year-old Shah Rukh Khan as a fresh off the boat 25-year-old.

But, like always, nobody ever listens to us and all of Bollywood turned out for the film’s premiere. Fashion-wise they fared only marginally better than the film’s storyline.

SRK has and will always be a ladies’ man and who can stop him when he looks so dapper in a bow tie? (Aside: How hot does he look as a brooding army officer in the film!?) Anushka looks great and for her sake I hope that’s a dress and not a pair of pants with very, very flared bottoms. If I did not know better I’d think that was Katrina Kaif’s wax statue that stopped by on its way to Madame Tussauds. In fact I think it’s her statue. Notice how it’s emoting. I’m not sure if that’s a sari or some sort of skirt with a lace overlay. If it’s the former then it’s safe to say that we no longer wear petticoats under our saris, ladies.

Akshay Kumar is not wearing socks and Twinkle Khanna is wearing her mother’s hair. Moving on…

See, this is what marriage does to you – you start dressing like each other. Kiran Rao seems to have adopted Aamir Khan’s polished, streamlined style in this basic but elegant LBD. Aamir, though, is wearing Kiran’s jogging pants.

Bipasha Basu as Sonam Kapoor’s style inspiration? I did not see this one coming.

It’s like Parineeti Chopra’s dress is slowly eating its way up. I wonder what she looked like at the end of the premiere. Morticia Addams would have been proud. I do like her red clutch, though.

I think I can officially start a pregnancy rumour. Yes?

Amisha Patel, I get it that you have boobs, lustrous locks and no acting talent. Must you flaunt all three in my unimpressed face?