Kaifi Ho Gaya Ab Bus Karo

This outfit reminds me of everything that is unfair in the world:

  1. Katrina Kaif’s body
  2. Katrina Kaif’s skin
  3. Katrina Kaif’s hair
  4. Katrina Kaif’s legs
  5. That she gets to do sexytime with Ranbir (Does she still? Have they broken up? Are they still together? Any tramp stamps? FIRs? Update me, children.)
  6. World Hunger
  7. Exams
  8. That Pandas sometimes run out of bamboo to eat and that’s really sad
  9. That this other girl got made Head Captain of Red House simply because my class was away on a picnic and now I’ll never know what it’s like to be made Head Captain
  10. People with high metabolism who eat as much gulab jamun as they want without an ounce of body fat showing up. Those people are the worst. I hope they find love and happiness but that it gets taken away from them suddenly and cruelly because their love falls in love with the bai and now they have no love and they have no bai and that is what rockbottom is like.

Dat dress doh. It’s what she wore at the Women of Worth awards, which I assume is called that because you need lots of worth *cough*cash*cough* to be able to afford a Mikael D. (I have no idea who Mikael D is. I only know Michael J. And he ded.)

Cut above the rest: Part Deux

The team of Fitoor headed out to launch the film’s trailer.

Katrina Kaif  attended in a white Cushnie Et Ochs with an exposed zipper. Obviously, she looked great with her soft make-up and soft waves.

She also happened to accessorise really well. That finger ring! I want it! I suspect I an obsessed with rings. Not in a I’m-almost-over-the-hill-and-must-get-married way but in a rings-are-amazing way.

PS: Her expression, though.

Maybe Aditya Roy Kapur too is obsessed with rings  and is totally checking out Katrina’s ring.

A cut above the rest

I won’t be the first or the last person to say that Katrina Kaif is not hot. I might be a minority but I don’t think I’m alone.

And Katrina showed people like me a giant middle finger when she walked the red carpet at the GQ Fashion Nights in a cut out Philipp Plein gown. And by cut out I mean CUT OUT. It was so cut out that there were tiny triangles of cloth missing under the bust.

And that slit was so high you’d think it was smoking up all day long.

If she keeps dressing like this I might have to change my opinion about her. Which, I’m sure, will make her very happy.

Policegiri

Bollywood went all out for the Mumbai police show, Umang. It’s great to see our cops, who, on most days, get so much flak just for being cops, gettin’ jiggy wit it.

Kareena Kapoor Khan in Shivan & Narresh

Kareena Kapoor Khan in Shivan & Narresh

I guess we are still colour blocking. But this one works just fine. And it’s an actual sari. Not a fusion of a gown and sari. But a sari sari. So, points for that.

In Roberto Cavalli

In Roberto Cavalli

See, if a dress is even slightly unflattering to Katrina Kaif’s curves, I’m going to be living in an anarkali or the hills for the rest of my life. Not really. I’ll be living on a beach. Whatever. She looks good.

Hrithik Roshan

Hrithik Roshan

Man! You can never go wrong with a well-fitted suit, especially when it fits a body like that.

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer Singh

I’m loving that T-shirt. I’m going to get me self one and walk around in it all week till someone comments on its quirky coolness.

Anil Kapoor showing us how it's done

Anil Kapoor showing us how it’s done

I’m convinced Anil Kapoor has found the fountain of youth and sips from it daily using a gilded goblet. In a few years if Sonam Kapoor looks the same you’ll know it’s true.

Host Manish Paul with someone

Host Manish Paul with someone they call Madhuri

Sigh. Never change. You are ok, Madhuri.

Abhay Deol

Abhay Deol

Who can resist a guy in a snug leather jacket who also stands up for the rights of creative people and has innovative ways of protesting when said rights are violated?

Prabhu Deva

Prabhu Deva

That’s right. Everybody ought to stop and stare when the P-man dances.

Richa Chadda wears a Pankaj & Nidhi sari

Richa Chadda wears a Pankaj & Nidhi sari

It’s a sari! And that blouse reminds me of a jhola I carried to college.

Manish Paul, Karan Johar and Sachin Tendulkar

Manish Paul, Karan Johar and Sachin Tendulkar

Saachiinnn! Sachin! *dhum dhum dhum*

Shah Rukh Khan

Shah Rukh Khan

Shawty got low, low, low.

Shah Rukh Khan in a lungi and fedora like only he can pull it off

Shah Rukh Khan in a lungi and fedora like only he can pull it off

That’s how all cops should direct traffic from now on.

Sunny Deol

Sunny Deol

The dhai kilo ka haath in all its glory.

Ranveer Singh1

That’s all, folks.

PS: Why was ACP Pradyuman not the guest of honour?

Hello, Dolly!

Katrina Kaif1

I guess I get why they Barbie-fied her.

Dhoom:3 Teaser Trailer

The teaser trailer (Tease me baby, till I lose control) for Dhoom:3 hit the web and I can’t say I’m hopping around in excitement because, hello, it’s Dhoom. But considering it’s the closest thing we have to an action franchise (you can count three films as a franchise, right?) it’s not half bad. It’s just that the other half is bad.

Aamir -dhoom

Yes, Aamir Khan’s bringing sexy back but why would you hang indoors in just pants and a fedora? What fuckwit combination is that!?

Katrina Kaif- Dhoom1

Katrina Kaif doing rope mallakhamb.

Katrina Kaif - dhoom

Katrina Kaif and/or body double cartwheeling.

Katrina kaif - dhoom2

Katrina Kaif doing household chores like dusting, looking nothing like Aishwarya Rai Bachchan in Dhoom:2. Not.

abhishek bachchan-dhoom

Abhishek Bachchan doing his best Shammi Kapoor impression.

Abhishek Bachchan-dhoom1

Because of course he can get a sniper’s aim from a moving helicopter.  Put the guy on Apollo 13 and I’m sure he’d hit his target.

Uday Chopra -dhoom

Oh crap! Uday Chopra is in the film too. My mind conveniently blocked that part out.

Bike - Dhoom

Yeah and there are some bikes too. Whatever. That’s just incidental to the plotline.

Flipping the bird

Ranbir returns from Sri Lanka possibly to pacify Katrina

Ranbir returns from Sri Lanka possibly to pacify Katrina

Well, this is interestingly played. What his baseball cap conceals, Ranbir Kapoor’s finger reveals – his deep-seated angst and ire against the media. He is totally flipping the photographers for the way their brethren treated his beloved. You know, with them photographing him and Katrina on their bikini vacation. What he would have liked to do is punch them in the lens but that is truly unbecoming of a star. So instead he not-so-subtly stuck out his middle finger.

I like his duffle bag, though.

Ship of Theseus screening

Ship of Theseus had a screening and most of the big names attended solely because Aamir Khan threatened to courier them a DVD of Mela otherwise.

Katrina Kaif

Katrina Kaif, who after the screening, celebrated her happy birthday, dressed like an upside down orange candy.

Ranbir Kapoor

I just hope her alleged boyfriend took off his fedora for the screening otherwise Rani Mukerji would have missed half the film. Of course I’m assuming that Rani sat behind the couple. Why? Just because I can. Also I know the usher.

Rani Mukerji

If the Ship of Theseus was missing a sail it was because Rani wore it as pants. 

Ayushmann Khurrana

Ayushmann Khurrana’s wearing a ladies size small jacket in a lovely pastel hue. Just thought I’d point that out.

Jackie Shroff

My mother wept when she saw this image of Jackie Shroff. She remembers him looking like this and not like a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor who, in himself, is a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor.

Imran Khan and Avantika Malik

Imran Khan brought his own X and O game in case the film got too intellectual for him. As an aside, why are they dressed so formally while the others have basically rolled out of bed?

Taking Cover Story Too Literally

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Guys, I don’t think Vidya Balan understands what we are saying, so perhaps she doesn’t understand English? So in order to help her, I’ve translated it into five languages:

Voy a dejar de vestirse como Jaya Bachchan. (Spanish)

Mee Jaya Bachchan saarkhe kapdey naahi ghaalnar. (Marathi)

Je vais arrêter de s’habiller comme Jaya Bachchan. (French)

سأتوقف خلع الملابس مثل جايا باتشان (Tamil… LOL J/K it’s Arabic)

Sun yaar, chill maar. (Bindass/ Haryana youth.)

You think she’ll get us now? I mean, I like it that the outfit is a nod to Sharmila Tagore from the days of yore, but Vidya for God’s sake. How old are you? 35? YOU ARE YOUNG, YAAR. Nargis Fakri is almost same to same age. Stop dressing like an aunty and let your voluptuous body out of this designer saree-shaped cage. DO IT FOR SACHIN.

 

Also I took the liberty of completing the cover lines just for some fun:

1. Sonam silences her critics… by using special edition Dior duct tape that her sister picked up for her in London.

2. Why Katrina has no time for love… because she is too busy getting lipo all the time.

 

ANNND THAT’S A WRAP.

 

 

 

What went wrong?

Bipasha Basu looking sullen at Shilpa Shetty’s Diwali bash

I remember the time when Bipasha Basu was considered one of Bollywood’s hottest women. She was dusky, hot and did not give a rat’s ass. Then she hit breakup central and things just went downhill. I did not want to be the one to say it but you were thinking it too. While a breakup should not mess you over and all that feminist self-help jazz, Bipasha took it really bad.

I’m not one to judge (ha!) so let’s talk about her look. The sari is ok. At least it’s a proper sari with all its elements intact, unlike Katrina Kaif’s. I’m a huge advocate of chappals – the flatter the better – but under a sari, a little heel goes a long way.

But it’s not her outfit so much as what’s going on in and around her face that’s disturbing. The fringe just does not work. It gives her an evil edge but not in a good way. And there’s something going on with her lips. Either that’s the wrong lipstick colour for her skin tone or she forgot to blot on a tissue. Or maybe it’s just that she does not look happy.

Here, Bipasha, sending some love your way. Hold on! Did we not hear rumours about her dating Josh Hartnett and Cristiano Ronaldo? What am I going on about? Of course she’s going to kill it – she’s dusky, hot and does not give a rat’s ass.