Of babies and royalty

Grazia magazine threw a party for designer Rahul Mishra who won the prestigious Woolmark award (Google it) and it being a night of fashion, by default, Sonam Kapoor materialised.

In a Shehlaa sari by desginer Shehla Khan

In a Shehlaa sari by desginer Shehla Khan

She, with all the soft chiffon, was dressed like a maharani of a minor principality. Though, if she really was royalty, that blouse would have been frowned upon and she would have to eat her five course breakfast all by herself in the Hawa Mahal as a punishment.

Kalki is in top by Ezra and a Koecsh skirt

Kalki is in a top by Ezra and a Koecsh skirt

Kalki Koechlin was the other end of the spectrum with a short skirt and orthopedic booties. Her window top would make a great choice for lactating mothers.

Designer Rahul accompanies Sona who is in a Mango vest. Sona, not Rahul

Designer Rahul accompanies Sona who is in a Mango vest. Sona, not Rahul

Another great choice for nursing women is Sona Mohapatra’s vest that comes with easy to undo buttons and a pocket watch for timely feedings.

I feel like I should explain all the references to pregnancy. I’ve just finished reading a book where the protagonist has given birth and there are chapters dedicated to breastfeeding and diaper changing. So, I thought, I should share.

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Filmfare Awards

The Filmfare Awards took place for the 59th time – coincidentally, that’s Rekha’s current age and the age Shah Rukh Khan will never mature to in a Karan Johar film.

Gone with the wind in a in Gaurav Gupta

Gone with the wind in a Gaurav Gupta

A huge hurricane named Katrina blew Deepika Padukone’s dress away and as a result there are very few images of her right profile.

Aside: Why is her stylist referring to the Golden Globes look book and putting her in dresses that have got enough press and for all the wrong reasons? Lady Victoria Hervey, an Englishman’s answer to Queenie Dhody, wore the same dress to the Globes this year and not many thought she was victorious.

In Alexander McQueen

Priyanka Chopra in Alexander McQueen

This one is the rebellious cousin of Deepika’s church-going one (see link above). The pockets look like they are set afire by gold leaves and I would not be surprised if Deepika grabbed Priyanka and put her on her mantel mistaking her for the best actress trophy. Oh shit spoilers! Ah well, you’ll live.

That's a Louis Vuitton orgy happening on him

That’s a Louis Vuitton orgy happening on Ranveer Singh

I’m going to smoke up and watch the pattern come to life and try to strangle the teddy bear on his loafers. I suggest you do the same.

Kajol in a Nandita Mahtani gown

Kajol in a Nandita Mahtani gown

This is a great movie star shot. Unfortunately what she has on is not. I suspect she dropped her kids at the babysitter’s in her nightie and realised there was not enough time so she strapped on a belt and made it in time for this photo.

Anjana Sukhani

Anjana Sukhani

This one might as well be called Ruffle Lays.

Huma Qureshi in Gauri & Nainika

Huma Qureshi in Gauri & Nainika

And this one too. Ruffle Lays Magic Masala.

Preity Zinta in an extremely similar Gauri & Nainika too

Preity Zinta in an extremely similar Gauri & Nainika

Another movie star shot and another Ruffle Lays, this one Magic Masala with Tazos inside.

Dia Mirza in a very confusing Shantanu & Nikhil

Dia Mirza in a very confusing Shantanu & Nikhil

You can’t see from this angle but what she has on is a cropped top, leggings and a Lannister cloak worn as a nauvari sari.

Rekha doing her thang, y'all

Rekha doing her thang, y’all

That’s all the cloth of gold the Lannisters ever owned.

Neha Dhupia in a blouse by Payal Singhal and an Anju Modi skirt

Neha Dhupia in a blouse by Payal Singhal and an Anju Modi skirt

I’ll take it. And maybe lose the neckpieces and add earrings. But I’ll take it.

Karisma Kapoor in  Anamika Khanna

Karisma Kapoor in Anamika Khanna

The dress is the equivalent of a drunken Punjabi wedding where no one knows what the fuck is happening but everyone is in good spirits.

Kalki Koechlin in a lot of Sabyasachi

Kalki Koechlin in a lot of Sabyasachi

Yes, she is mourning the demise of her marriage. How did you guess?

A note to Sabyasachi and all those who wear him: Allow me to introduce you to the concept of a streamlined silhouette. This bada hai toh behtar hai philosophy does not work every time.

wearing a gorgeous Nikhil Thampi

Vaani Kapoor wearing a gorgeous Nikhil Thampi

I mean, if I had a body like that I too would wear as minimal clothes as possible. Let’s see what the valet guy is gawking at so intently.

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Work it, girl.

Richa Chadda in a Hervé Léger

Richa Chadda in a Hervé Léger

This dress is stupid. It’s drag-racing-drunk-without-a-seat-belt stupid. It’s a bandage dress with a whole carton of Ruffle Lays on it. The idea of a bandage dress is to show off the wearer’s figure so why would you cover it in cheap cake frosting? I blame the designer for this one. Her styling is not helping either.

Amrita Rao in a Payal Singhal sari

Amrita Rao in a Payal Singhal sari

Does she not remind you of a child actor from the ’50s who had an illustrious career playing a boy but when puberty hit no one knew what to do with her so now she is married to a producer 20 years her senior?

Nimrat Kaur wearing a Shehlaa sari

Nimrat Kaur wearing a Shehlaa sari

And that’s her pushy mother trying to relive her glamour days through her child. I mean this in the best possible way because she looks so old school Bollywood chic.

Emilio Pucci on Ileana D'cruz

Emilio Pucci on Ileana D’cruz (that reads weird)

Her extra long sleeves are spreading their lacy tentacles all across her body and soon she’ll star as Venom in a feminist remake of Spider-Man where the protagonist makes it her mission to rid the world of cobwebs.

Aditi Rao Hydari in Gaurav Gupta

Aditi Rao Hydari in Gaurav Gupta

The shoes she can courier me the rest she can burn, starting with that appliqué patch on her head.

Prachi Desai in Swapnil Shinde (that reads weird)

Prachi Desai in Swapnil Shinde

Bani Dixit (bet you did not know that was her surname) sexing it up? Hmmm… What would Mr Walia say?

Sophie Choudry in BCBG which sounds like an acronym for a bunch of Hindi gaalis

Sophie Choudry in BCBG which sounds like an acronym for a bunch of Hindi gaalis

Sophie Choudry did her bit to revive the age-old art of letter writing by encasing her twins in envelop flaps.

Konkona Sen Sharma drowning in a Rohit Bal anarkali

Konkona Sen Sharma drowning in a Rohit Bal anarkali

The white and gold combination is what you would normally wear to a Malayalee wedding along with gold in your weight, of course. But even by those standards this is too much gold.

Kajal Aggarwal in Monisha Jaising bling

Kajal Aggarwal in Monisha Jaising bling

I don’t believe the dress was stitched onto her, neither is there a JFK in sight and it’s definitely not his birthday.

Tamannah in Gauri & Nainika

Tamannah in Gauri & Nainika

She knows the dress is great and hence the smirk. Can we all say drama together?

Bruna Abdullah

Bruna Abdullah

Bruna Abdullah (you know her from…Google it, ya) is already so tall that the border of this anarkali is making her look like she is standing on stilts. Like she was the carnival attraction at Filmfare.

Chunky Pandey killing it

Chunky Pandey killing it

Bangladesh’s superstar was especially flown in to host the Red Carpet. If you ask me, Bollywood’s loss is Bangllywood’s (that’s what their industry is called, right?) gain. And this is Bollywood’s way of inviting him back into their fold but it’s too little too late, guys. We have lost a national treasure, especially when he looks this dapper.

Hosts Priyanka Chopra and Ranbir Kapoor

Hosts Priyanka Chopra and Ranbir Kapoor

Maybe if this was the pairing of Love Story 2050, life would have been very different.

Filmfare nominations orgy

Filmfare held a nomination bash to celebrate the nominees (duh!) after which the actual awards function will take place followed by an after-party and all the festivities will be capped off with a roaring party for all the losers, hosted by Vivek Oberoi, because have you seen Krrish 3?

Sonam Kapoor in Anushka Khanna

Sonam Kapoor in Anushka Khanna

I guess all of you raised your hands high enough and waved them frantically enough because here she is.

Aditi Rao Hydari

Aditi Rao Hydari

That’s a fancy sailor’s uniform, miss. What oil rig you work at?

Wearing a Pankaj & Nidhi dress

Wearing a Pankaj & Nidhi dress

Does Deepika Padukone know there is a leaking nib on her crotch? Maybe Ranveer can clean it up with his suit. That’s the only good use of it that I can think of.

In my grandfather's suit

In my grandfather’s suit

Yes, Ranveer Singh, we get it. You are allegedly Deepika’s man and hence, in your head, have arrived. Which absolves you from having to make an effort. But the fact that she does make an effort ought to be a telling sign.

Richa Chadda

Richa Chadda

Like most times, my foot has come back to shove itself into my mouth. I take back everything I said about ‘some’ people not being able to pull-off gowns well. Because something is being pulled somewhere within that gown.

In an Alexander McQueen gown

In an Alexander McQueen gown

Ah! We’ve all been young and stupid but have managed to come out unscathed. I suppose what does not kill you only makes you more skeptical. It’s only Alia Bhatt’s youth that lets her pull off the look with minimal makeup and accessories.

Divya Dutta

Divya Dutta

Ok, so maybe she does not need to drown this particular attire but she still needs to take a little vaccy.

In a Shivan & Narresh sari

Huma Qureshi in a Shivan & Narresh sari

The drape of the gown (which actually is a sari that her stylist transformed into a gown) gives me the feeling that she’s going to get on her knees and start scrubbing the floors while asking me to increase her paggar.

Jacqueline Fernandez in Emilio Pucci and in your dreams, sucker!

Jacqueline Fernandez in Emilio Pucci and in your dreams, sucker!

Now, on the other hand… this one on her knees…. I’m going to stop now. My family reads this blog.

Kalki Koechlin in Gaurav Gupta

Kalki Koechlin in Gaurav Gupta

I guess if you must go classy and all I-don’t-care-that-I’m-going-through-a-divorce-with-someone-who-pioneered-the-new-wave-of-Indian-cinema, this is the best way to dress. Sassy yet elegant. Making an effort but not too much of it.

Nimrat Kaur in an Anand Kabra web print gown

Nimrat Kaur in an Anand Kabra web print gown

This ensemble comes to you from the House of Spiderman. If you look closely at the intricate webbing, it’s an ode to Peter Parker’s superpowers and the boxy fit… that’s just a bad fit.

In a jhagmag Namrata Joshipura suit

In a jhagmag Namrata Joshipura suit

Shruti Hassan attended as a Sindhi businessman on the verge of a breakthrough deal.

Sophie Choudry in a Pankaj & Nidhi jacket

Wearing a Pankaj & Nidhi jacket

Sophie Choudary borrowed P.C. Sorcar’s coat and managed to make it look fashionable.

Screen Awards red carpet

The Screen Awards took place and we all held our breath just waiting to know who went home with the coveted trophy. But when it comes to the telecast, we don’t have a seven second delay but more like a seven week delay. So you will have to wait a little longer to know the winners. Or you could just Google it. Whatever.

Abhay Deol and Preeti Desai

Abhay Deol and Preeti Desai in a Bare in Black gown

This couples’ tanning thing really works. A little too well.

Adhuna and Farhan Akhtar

Adhuna and Farhan Akhtar

I love Adhuna’s quirky sense of style. It’s like her way of rebelling against the ‘star-wife’ label. More power to you, girl. And that is how you wear a velvet waistcoat with Jodhpur-ish pants.

Aditi Rao Hydari in Harsh Harsh

Aditi Rao Hydari in Harsh Harsh

This needs something more happening. It all seems very flat and sort of like a snorefest.

Anjana Sukhani

Anjana Sukhani

Dude, is that a full and final velvet gown!? Talk about subtle use of fabric.

Bipasha Basu in Manish Malhotra

Bipasha Basu in Manish Malhotra

And that is how you wear velvet and an anarkali. In small doses and with less ghera, respectively. She really is looking good, no? Maybe marriage is the answer.

Boman Irani

Boman Irani

Yes, I will shake your hand but only because you are awesome.

Chitrangda Singh in Dior

Chitrangda Singh in Dior

If her last look was all about drama this is a little anticlimatic. Maybe another colour or a more glamorous hairstyle would have worked. But don’t worry, Chitrangda, the world (my amma and I) still loves you.

Deepika Padukone in Alexander McQueen

Deepika Padukone in Alexander McQueen

I suspect this one has gone a little wrong. I can’t point out why exactly. But feel is not coming. Like kuch kuch nahi hota hai when I see this gown. Could it be because Kate Hudson wore it to the Golden Globes LAST YEAR?

Divya Dutta

Divya Dutta

Take a beach holiday, woman and go drown that attire while you are at it.

Yo Yo Honey Singh

Yo Yo Honey Singh

He is making some very rude gestures but given the nature of his lyrics I should not be surprised.

Huma Qureshi

Huma Qureshi in Nikhil Thampi

Yes, the sun really does shine out of Huma Qureshi’s ear. Even Kalki Koechlin seems to think so…

Kalki in Nikhil Thampi

Kalki in Nikhil Thampi too

We get it. Huma is not responsible for Kalki’s divorce. You guys are the best of friends and you, Kalki, even helped Huma into that earpiece type-thingy. That ornament has a legitimate name but I’ve forgotten it. And I refuse to Google it since the Internet and I are currently in a complicated relationship.

This is one of Huma’s better looks. The dress fits her curves well and for once her hair is doing good things. But I’m thinking I should just give up on cribbing whenever people bastardise the sari. I can see Kalki’s leg. Should she not be wearing a petticoat underneath? My grandmother would not approve.

Juhi Chawla

Juhi Chawla

Why is she still promoting Son of Sardar?

In Shantanu & Nikhil

In Shantanu & Nikhil

No, no, no. Kajol, don’t fall back into your old trap. You were doing so well. This look seems so closed-up and nun-like. Unless… she is trying to cover a big old hickey. That’s one expensive way of doing it, if you ask me. Just paste on a bandage next time.

In Ranna Gill

In Ranna Gill

Look who’s back! And I have nothing unpleasant to say about Neha Dhupia. Except maybe… actually, no. But, I do want to wake up next to that cuff every morning and bring it breakfast in bed.

Nimrat Kaur

Nimrat Kaur

I’m loving the hint of boobies, sorry décolletage and the hair pulled away to show them off. Yet, I’m unsure of the puffed sleeves.

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer Singh

The velvet jacket with the waistcoat seems a bit much. Like it was initially a three-piece tux, but since he is Ranveer Singh and eccentric and all that, his stylist chose the blue jacket.

Wearing Innana by Monica & Karishma

Wearing Monica & Karishma

Do you think it’s just that some people can’t pull-off gowns as well as others can? There really is nothing horrifyingly wrong with the look, apart from the fact that the pattern overwhelms and the stylist should have put her hair up. As in Richa Chadda’s.

Sona Mohapatra

Sona Mohapatra

This is how Anarkali (the person, not the trend) must have looked and felt like when the last brick was laid.

In an Amit GT gown

In an Amit GT gown

I don’t know what Sonakshi Sinha or her stylist have been smoking but pat yourselves on the back and roll another one.

In Gaurav Gupta

In Gaurav Gupta

This dress on Shruti Hassan reminds me of a cold night at the graveyard. Let me hasten to assure you that Shruti does not look like the undead, far from it, but something about the blue and black and net gives me an eerie feeling.

In Amritraj Bora

In Amritraj Bora showing way too much of her Boras

As does this one on Sonal Chauhan. Somewhere a koli has lost the day’s catch.

In a Manish Malhotra sari

In a Manish Malhotra sari

Who sends her invites and why? At least Sophie Chaudhary has the decency to dress well.

PS: Raise your hand if you are missing Sonam Kapoor.

Dedh Ishqiya screening

Dedh Ishqiya premiered and the cast and a few others stopped by for some free popcorn and Coke.

In Manish Malhotra

In Manish Malhotra

Come on, man. Salim got over Anarkali faster than Bollywood who is refusing to let go of the trend. It was fine when it was a nascent fad. But the over embellishment and the reams of cloth and the lack of any visible churidar is really annoying.

Another Manish Malhotra

Another Manish Malhotra

See, then young actors who don’t know better think that they too should carry on this style. No. Just no.

Kalki Koechlin

Kalki Koechlin’s quirky blouse print cannot distract me from the fact that her sari drape is a lot like the saris of those tense women waiting to board the 7.14 Virar fast. Also Poster Huma is fully eyeballing Real-life Kalki.

 

Maria in Payal Singhal

Maria in Payal Singhal

Maria Goretti’s blouse has a tail! I know in the past I have loved a sari with a tailcoat blouse but I’m not feeling this one as much. The pallu and the tail are actually fighting for space as is her cuff and bangle stack. Arshad Warsi is cool and should stay this way. Maybe wear a suit that’s not so bulky next time.

Bollywood at LFW – An Overview (And some Underviews as well.)

Were you thinking that we’d lost sight of our real targets? Oh no, dear readers. As long as Fire Your Stylist exists, Bollywood can never hide. Even though Nargis Fakhri tried it, a little bit.

SEE:

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Nargis clearly didn’t go home the previous night and had to pick out something from her, ahem, companion’s cupboard. Now that’s a first; we bet no one has done the walk of shame at Fashion Week before. (We know you’re thinking of Carol Gracias. DO NOT think of Carol Gracias, you insensitive twerps. It was an accident. Like this next outfit.)

bollywood-celebs-arrivals-at-lakme-fashion-week-winter-festive-2013-day-5-61277_600

Is it me, or does it look like someone stuffed Kalki Koechlin inside this outfit and then thrust her in front of the cameras? Her hands are totally bound, you guys! CALL THE POLICE!

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I don’t know who the guy at the right is, but Meiyang Chang looks like he is seriously channelling some Tyrion Lannister – big head, short legs, nice hair et al. In fact, together these two look like the Indian Merry and Pippin, from Lord of the (Engagement) Ring 4, where the ring is stolen from Mordor by Salman Khan and the only way to get it back is by dancing to Saajan Ji Ghar Aaye.

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Queenie Dhody and I have the same values… I also surround myself with ugly people so that I look pretty in comparison (you should see Ayesha when she comes back from Theatre rehearsals) but there’s one fundamental difference – I dress my age. It’s time, Queenie, to stop trying to be a 50-year-old trying to be a 25-year-old getting dresses hand-stitched from catalogs found at tailors in Matunga.

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I don’t have a full-length photo of Esha Gupta here (that IS Esha Gupta, yes? Not Pooja Gupta or Swarup Sampat or whoever this new crop of actress are who all look like each other… for God’s sake even Minions can be told apart. Get face tattoos or something. Preferably with your names on it.) but it doesn’t matter, because she wanted us to pay attention to her upper half. Why else will she wear ALL her necklaces in one go?

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Look, it’s VJ Anusha, fresh from her Purity Club meeting telling us all to stay second-base virgins by wearing a dress that looks like a boob-chastity belt (complete with star shaped nipple pasties.) (As @highheelswaali insists, she looks like a tame version of Xena Warrior Princess.)

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That blouse looks like it’s growing seaweed.

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Never thought I’d say this, but well done Gauhar Khan. Great fit, great print, super lipstick, superlike.

 

 

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, Pehli Nazar.

Like Vimla, your friendly neighbourhood cat lady, Shendi, your cook, Ritu, your BFF, and Champak, your dog, I have also been waiting for the release of Yeh Jawaani Hain Deewani with bated breath. The songs are fantastic, Ranbir and Deepika are a delight, and I always wanted to know more about what really went down in the Eurotrip part of DDLJ, and who better than Karan Johar to tell us this story because he was THERE! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Even the bit where they give Deepika a pair of glasses and we’re all supposed to pretend that she’s a nerd. That’s exactly like Superman wearing a chasma to become Clark Kent. Everyone bought the latter, so I guess they’ll buy the former, and that’s the pop culture world I am leaving behind for my kids with Ranbir… hmmm I wonder whether he likes boxers or briefs.

(pause)

Okaaaay, moving on… what happened at the Premiere?

Well, for one, Deepika decided to ignore all our Cannes advice and break my heart.

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I sort of like it, and I sort of don’t at the same time. It’s cool that they’ve played with the hemline, but I am of the firm opinion that this much gold and white should be preserved for a South Indian wedding. Also honey, how HOT are you in there? You know that when they say 34 degrees, they don’t mean it like Bachelor of Arts, right? Here, have a mango milkshake.

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Well, at least Deepika was better than Kalki.

I imaging this was the result of Kalki’s mom sending her a baby outfit as a hint, and Kalki misinterpreting it and putting it on herself. Because what ELSE could explain this? Would you believe it that SHE, a grown-up woman with a promising career full of smart movies, would step out of her house in her pyjamas-with-matching-jacket? WHAT?

Oh put on a gown, Kalki.

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And here’s Mr. Kolhapuri Chappals. Or Mr. NoTime for Jeans-Alteration. Or Mr. Untuck Shirtjones. Or Mr. They Started Promoting Me Here After Ashiqui Became a Hit. 

You decide.

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And then there was Ranbir. With his casual yet dapper jeans and blazer plus stubble look. And he even remembered to wear proper shoes! Oh be still, my beating heart.

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The internet tells me that this is someone named Evelyn Sharma. My instinct tells me that there’s a very angry naked sofa walking around with a vendetta, somewhere.

 

 

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Filmfare Nominations Party – FLASHBACK 2012.

(Since the 2013 pics will prolly only show up by tomorrow, and I’m feeling a surge of creativity travel up my spine, this is a trip down memory lane.)

(The above sentence is a lie. I wrote all of this and realised 5 pics later that these pics were actually from the 2012 party. BUT IT’S FUNNY SO ENJOY.)

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Dear Huma Qureshi, please forget everything I said about becoming besties with Kalki for a better sense of style. Next time you see her, throw a cloak at her and RUN. The world doesn’t need to see this.

From Chandni Chowk to Chinaaaa. TYAOON NYAOON.

I don’t know her name so I’m going to call her the “Poor Man’s Asin”. Which is also, basically Asin, but let’s forgo the technicalities for a bit and admire her blue eye make up, also known as, where’s the prosti tonight?

Has anyone else made the “Sonali Bend-re #TINAI” joke yet? 

Vogue Saat Din

(Ayesha has already covered Kalki here. I’m just giving it more attention because LOOK.)

You know two people are meant to be together when one of them tries to bridge the age gap between them by dressing like a sepia Simi Garewal, and the other does so by turning a talcum powder container into a shirt.

Kalki in Shift by Nimish Shah. If only she had shifted a little more to the left and avoided being in the picture.

Presenting, Kalki Koechlin and Anurag Kashyap, frumping it up at Vogue’s 5th Anniversary Bash.

However, knowing Anurag Kashyap’s movies, they probably dressed up like each other’s beards to experiment with society’s reactions and bottle them for their next movie on the Roosevelts. Or, to keep it close to home, Aditya and Avanti Birla.

Being Vogue about it

Bollywood and a few others glammed up for Vogue India’s 5th Anniversary Bash. Can you believe that the magazine has been around for five years? The very same magazine that is so aspirational I can’t even afford to buy it. Considering it’s a Vogue party, where you know, ‘Before it’s in fashion it’s in Vogue’, the performances were so-so.

I don’t know if it’s the angle or the lace neckline but Dia Mirza looks really err… endowed and voluptuous. The dress is giving negligee vibes. What’s going on around her waist? And why is it all black? Ok, red lips would have been too predictable but this ain’t a funeral.

On the red carpet are Smiley and her sister, Underpaid Geisha. Actually, I like what Kajol has on. It’s very unlike her – the colour, cut and more so the fact that it’s not an anarkali or ill-fitting pants. I’m undecided on Tanisha’s gown, but the makeup makes her look like a geisha who has seen better days.

Kalki Koechlin looks like a happy Flapper from the 20s so let’s not kill her buzz. Maybe those chunky shoes and clutch are doing it already.

Somebody tell Prateik the Harley Davidson gang bang session changed its venue last minute. The good thing is he might have to lose his clothes for an entry there.

Not my favourite person, not my favourite look but Siddharth Mallya looks a lot like Hugh Hefner with his smoking slippers and belted jacket. I think I secretly dig this look but I will deny it in court.