Maar dala

So Anuya and I watched Jab Tak Hai Jaan (JTHJ) as homage to one of Bollywood’s greatest filmmakers but mostly because we needed an excuse to escape two hours of Laxmi Pooja. But after we stumbled out of, what felt like a five hour long film, we’d sit through many poojas and smoky havans.

While JTHJ had the makings of an epic romance, we were left cringing and at other times rolling our eyes at the stupidity and leaps of logic the film was throwing at us. I’ll take Anushka Sharma in short-shorts and a tank top at an army base in Kashmir but I draw the line at passing off an otherwise 47-year-old Shah Rukh Khan as a fresh off the boat 25-year-old.

But, like always, nobody ever listens to us and all of Bollywood turned out for the film’s premiere. Fashion-wise they fared only marginally better than the film’s storyline.

SRK has and will always be a ladies’ man and who can stop him when he looks so dapper in a bow tie? (Aside: How hot does he look as a brooding army officer in the film!?) Anushka looks great and for her sake I hope that’s a dress and not a pair of pants with very, very flared bottoms. If I did not know better I’d think that was Katrina Kaif’s wax statue that stopped by on its way to Madame Tussauds. In fact I think it’s her statue. Notice how it’s emoting. I’m not sure if that’s a sari or some sort of skirt with a lace overlay. If it’s the former then it’s safe to say that we no longer wear petticoats under our saris, ladies.

Akshay Kumar is not wearing socks and Twinkle Khanna is wearing her mother’s hair. Moving on…

See, this is what marriage does to you – you start dressing like each other. Kiran Rao seems to have adopted Aamir Khan’s polished, streamlined style in this basic but elegant LBD. Aamir, though, is wearing Kiran’s jogging pants.

Bipasha Basu as Sonam Kapoor’s style inspiration? I did not see this one coming.

It’s like Parineeti Chopra’s dress is slowly eating its way up. I wonder what she looked like at the end of the premiere. Morticia Addams would have been proud. I do like her red clutch, though.

I think I can officially start a pregnancy rumour. Yes?

Amisha Patel, I get it that you have boobs, lustrous locks and no acting talent. Must you flaunt all three in my unimpressed face?

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Boys on bikes don’t wear velvet

Shahrukh Khan promoting his film about a love story between a guy (Anushka Sharma) and his bike

I fail to grasp the concept of promoting every aspect of a film. Shahrukh Khan is here to pimp, not just his film Jab Tak Hai Jaan (which actually might be the best and worst ad for the Classic 500), but a song from the film. What can we expect next? A press conference for the opening credits or the film’s interval getting its own reality series?

So, anyway he wore a velvet jacket for this momentous event. I know famous people do not go through the same trials that mere mortals like us suffer, like this crazy-ass weather, and hence can afford to wear velvet. It’s a great cut and fits well but something about a guy wearing velvet is off-putting. Am I being sexist? Yes. But I don’t have a soft spot for Shahrukh or velvet. And especially not if he’s wearing Mohabbatein pants.

Baadshah the biker boy

Shahrukh Khan at the Mumbai airport

I’m risking sure and sudden death but I’ll say it – Shahrukh Khan is not my favourite person out there. Ok, I’m still alive so I’ll continue.

But he’s totally working this look. I’m loving the leather jacket and he’s returning from London so I’m guessing he still feels chilly so it does not, at all, seem out of place in humid Bombay. This, coupled with the scruffy beard and that casual scarf thrown in like it was a last minute thought, give him a wicked biker boy edge. Of course that might be up for debate after the release of Jab Tak Hai Jaan‘s poster.

He looks good if a little tired but he’s still not my favourite person. I think I just heard the death knell.