Filmfare nominations orgy

Filmfare held a nomination bash to celebrate the nominees (duh!) after which the actual awards function will take place followed by an after-party and all the festivities will be capped off with a roaring party for all the losers, hosted by Vivek Oberoi, because have you seen Krrish 3?

Sonam Kapoor in Anushka Khanna

Sonam Kapoor in Anushka Khanna

I guess all of you raised your hands high enough and waved them frantically enough because here she is.

Aditi Rao Hydari

Aditi Rao Hydari

That’s a fancy sailor’s uniform, miss. What oil rig you work at?

Wearing a Pankaj & Nidhi dress

Wearing a Pankaj & Nidhi dress

Does Deepika Padukone know there is a leaking nib on her crotch? Maybe Ranveer can clean it up with his suit. That’s the only good use of it that I can think of.

In my grandfather's suit

In my grandfather’s suit

Yes, Ranveer Singh, we get it. You are allegedly Deepika’s man and hence, in your head, have arrived. Which absolves you from having to make an effort. But the fact that she does make an effort ought to be a telling sign.

Richa Chadda

Richa Chadda

Like most times, my foot has come back to shove itself into my mouth. I take back everything I said about ‘some’ people not being able to pull-off gowns well. Because something is being pulled somewhere within that gown.

In an Alexander McQueen gown

In an Alexander McQueen gown

Ah! We’ve all been young and stupid but have managed to come out unscathed. I suppose what does not kill you only makes you more skeptical. It’s only Alia Bhatt’s youth that lets her pull off the look with minimal makeup and accessories.

Divya Dutta

Divya Dutta

Ok, so maybe she does not need to drown this particular attire but she still needs to take a little vaccy.

In a Shivan & Narresh sari

Huma Qureshi in a Shivan & Narresh sari

The drape of the gown (which actually is a sari that her stylist transformed into a gown) gives me the feeling that she’s going to get on her knees and start scrubbing the floors while asking me to increase her paggar.

Jacqueline Fernandez in Emilio Pucci and in your dreams, sucker!

Jacqueline Fernandez in Emilio Pucci and in your dreams, sucker!

Now, on the other hand… this one on her knees…. I’m going to stop now. My family reads this blog.

Kalki Koechlin in Gaurav Gupta

Kalki Koechlin in Gaurav Gupta

I guess if you must go classy and all I-don’t-care-that-I’m-going-through-a-divorce-with-someone-who-pioneered-the-new-wave-of-Indian-cinema, this is the best way to dress. Sassy yet elegant. Making an effort but not too much of it.

Nimrat Kaur in an Anand Kabra web print gown

Nimrat Kaur in an Anand Kabra web print gown

This ensemble comes to you from the House of Spiderman. If you look closely at the intricate webbing, it’s an ode to Peter Parker’s superpowers and the boxy fit… that’s just a bad fit.

In a jhagmag Namrata Joshipura suit

In a jhagmag Namrata Joshipura suit

Shruti Hassan attended as a Sindhi businessman on the verge of a breakthrough deal.

Sophie Choudry in a Pankaj & Nidhi jacket

Wearing a Pankaj & Nidhi jacket

Sophie Choudary borrowed P.C. Sorcar’s coat and managed to make it look fashionable.

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Screen Awards red carpet

The Screen Awards took place and we all held our breath just waiting to know who went home with the coveted trophy. But when it comes to the telecast, we don’t have a seven second delay but more like a seven week delay. So you will have to wait a little longer to know the winners. Or you could just Google it. Whatever.

Abhay Deol and Preeti Desai

Abhay Deol and Preeti Desai in a Bare in Black gown

This couples’ tanning thing really works. A little too well.

Adhuna and Farhan Akhtar

Adhuna and Farhan Akhtar

I love Adhuna’s quirky sense of style. It’s like her way of rebelling against the ‘star-wife’ label. More power to you, girl. And that is how you wear a velvet waistcoat with Jodhpur-ish pants.

Aditi Rao Hydari in Harsh Harsh

Aditi Rao Hydari in Harsh Harsh

This needs something more happening. It all seems very flat and sort of like a snorefest.

Anjana Sukhani

Anjana Sukhani

Dude, is that a full and final velvet gown!? Talk about subtle use of fabric.

Bipasha Basu in Manish Malhotra

Bipasha Basu in Manish Malhotra

And that is how you wear velvet and an anarkali. In small doses and with less ghera, respectively. She really is looking good, no? Maybe marriage is the answer.

Boman Irani

Boman Irani

Yes, I will shake your hand but only because you are awesome.

Chitrangda Singh in Dior

Chitrangda Singh in Dior

If her last look was all about drama this is a little anticlimatic. Maybe another colour or a more glamorous hairstyle would have worked. But don’t worry, Chitrangda, the world (my amma and I) still loves you.

Deepika Padukone in Alexander McQueen

Deepika Padukone in Alexander McQueen

I suspect this one has gone a little wrong. I can’t point out why exactly. But feel is not coming. Like kuch kuch nahi hota hai when I see this gown. Could it be because Kate Hudson wore it to the Golden Globes LAST YEAR?

Divya Dutta

Divya Dutta

Take a beach holiday, woman and go drown that attire while you are at it.

Yo Yo Honey Singh

Yo Yo Honey Singh

He is making some very rude gestures but given the nature of his lyrics I should not be surprised.

Huma Qureshi

Huma Qureshi in Nikhil Thampi

Yes, the sun really does shine out of Huma Qureshi’s ear. Even Kalki Koechlin seems to think so…

Kalki in Nikhil Thampi

Kalki in Nikhil Thampi too

We get it. Huma is not responsible for Kalki’s divorce. You guys are the best of friends and you, Kalki, even helped Huma into that earpiece type-thingy. That ornament has a legitimate name but I’ve forgotten it. And I refuse to Google it since the Internet and I are currently in a complicated relationship.

This is one of Huma’s better looks. The dress fits her curves well and for once her hair is doing good things. But I’m thinking I should just give up on cribbing whenever people bastardise the sari. I can see Kalki’s leg. Should she not be wearing a petticoat underneath? My grandmother would not approve.

Juhi Chawla

Juhi Chawla

Why is she still promoting Son of Sardar?

In Shantanu & Nikhil

In Shantanu & Nikhil

No, no, no. Kajol, don’t fall back into your old trap. You were doing so well. This look seems so closed-up and nun-like. Unless… she is trying to cover a big old hickey. That’s one expensive way of doing it, if you ask me. Just paste on a bandage next time.

In Ranna Gill

In Ranna Gill

Look who’s back! And I have nothing unpleasant to say about Neha Dhupia. Except maybe… actually, no. But, I do want to wake up next to that cuff every morning and bring it breakfast in bed.

Nimrat Kaur

Nimrat Kaur

I’m loving the hint of boobies, sorry décolletage and the hair pulled away to show them off. Yet, I’m unsure of the puffed sleeves.

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer Singh

The velvet jacket with the waistcoat seems a bit much. Like it was initially a three-piece tux, but since he is Ranveer Singh and eccentric and all that, his stylist chose the blue jacket.

Wearing Innana by Monica & Karishma

Wearing Monica & Karishma

Do you think it’s just that some people can’t pull-off gowns as well as others can? There really is nothing horrifyingly wrong with the look, apart from the fact that the pattern overwhelms and the stylist should have put her hair up. As in Richa Chadda’s.

Sona Mohapatra

Sona Mohapatra

This is how Anarkali (the person, not the trend) must have looked and felt like when the last brick was laid.

In an Amit GT gown

In an Amit GT gown

I don’t know what Sonakshi Sinha or her stylist have been smoking but pat yourselves on the back and roll another one.

In Gaurav Gupta

In Gaurav Gupta

This dress on Shruti Hassan reminds me of a cold night at the graveyard. Let me hasten to assure you that Shruti does not look like the undead, far from it, but something about the blue and black and net gives me an eerie feeling.

In Amritraj Bora

In Amritraj Bora showing way too much of her Boras

As does this one on Sonal Chauhan. Somewhere a koli has lost the day’s catch.

In a Manish Malhotra sari

In a Manish Malhotra sari

Who sends her invites and why? At least Sophie Chaudhary has the decency to dress well.

PS: Raise your hand if you are missing Sonam Kapoor.

SAIFTA FIRST

What. WHAT. WHAAAAT IS A SAIFTA. IS IT SAIF ALI KHAN AND EKTA KAPOOR’S PRODUCTION COMPANY? SHOULD I EXPECT THRICE UPON A TIME IN PATAUDI SOON? SAIFTA SAIFTA DEKHO AANK MERI LADI HAIN?

(Apparently it’s a new award show. Everyone here in favour of an award show giving awards to award shows, say BITCH PLEASE, DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, now.)

Anyway, let’s delve into the South African Red Carpet. Mayhaps it’s more interesting than any of the others. Mayhaps it has dancers from Hum Bewafa grooving in the background. Mayhaps it has wild animals to pose with, a la Bond Villain den… hey, a person can hope, can’t she?

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I guess a picture of Divya Dutta with horns is the closest I can get… Though that’s not a bad look on her, even though I wish they’d bothered with a push-up bra. But the woman’s a fantastic actress, so she gets at least one pass.

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How much Spanx does it take to fit a Madhuri inside one of these? I feel like they must’ve had her to melt her, pour her into the dress and then wait for her to cool… I don’t understand why. SHE IS PERFECT. STOP MESSING WITH PERFECTION, STYLISTS. PUT HER IN A FIGURE-APPROPRIATE OUTFIT.

saifta-2013-red-carpet-arrivals-64401_600

You know how India was known as “sone ki chidiya” in the olden days? Well, if that “sone ki chidiya” ever shat on an ornate sack that was used to transport royal fridge magnets or something, THIS is what it would look like. I know I have always said that she’d look great even in a sack, but you know me, I never expect people to take me literally, or I’d have kept a straight face that one time I tweeted about wanting a book deal. And what is that she’s wearing on her feet? Is that a door-stopper?

These celebs keep making me want to turn to drugs, so help me God.

 

IIFA Q – Part 2

Sophie Choudry

Sophie Choudry, that’s actually a nice gown but nobody cares. Seriously, why is she even issued a passport?

Sridevi

It’s great to see Sridevi not limiting herself to saris just because this is her ‘second innings’. Yet, I think she’s always a step away from getting it pitch perfect. There’s nothing wrong with this look. It’s a nice enough gown and fits her well but I don’t know. Is it the hair? Does she look a little disproportionate?

Sridevi1

It’s more pronounced here. Her bust just does not seem in keeping with the rest of her body.

Anushka sharma

Anushka Sharma’s bustline, on the other hand, is not doing its job well. Woman, eat something so you can grow a pair. Eat a pear even. Stop going from skinny to skinnier. Also, I hate your hair. Go bald and wait for it to grow out.

Vidya Balan

It’s no longer funny. Just sad. Very sad. It will never get better, will it?

Diana Penty

Diana Penty, you’re pretty and young. Wear a dress. Vaccinate yourself against Vidyabalansari-itis.

UPDATE: I’m slacking or am losing my eyesight or simply my mind. That’s not Diana Penty. It’s Pooja Kumar (Thanks Anj for pointing that out). She was in Vishwaroopam. You really can’t trust the internet these days. Still, darling, put on a dress.

Divya Dutta

Now, I don’t mind someone like Divya Dutta in a sari. I just have a problem when she looks like a cross dressing Aamir Khan.

Neha Dhupia

If you’ve not noticed, Neha Dhupia and we have a love-hate relationship. This might not be not her best work but I’m going to give it to her. Just because it stands out in the sea of gowns and saris. It’s very high-priestess-of-the-pantheon but I’m not going to speak ill of it. I’m not. Maybe… NO!

Lisa Haydon

Sigh. I’m going to kill myself by drowning in that pattern. Thanks a lot, Lisa Haydon. I feel so good about myself now.

Deepika Padukone

Ditto Deepika. My neck is thicker than her exposed thigh. Whatever. I’m going to console myself with the fact that her ‘Tamilian’ accent in Chennai Express is the film’s comic relief.