Filmfare Awards

The Filmfare Awards took place for the 59th time – coincidentally, that’s Rekha’s current age and the age Shah Rukh Khan will never mature to in a Karan Johar film.

Gone with the wind in a in Gaurav Gupta

Gone with the wind in a Gaurav Gupta

A huge hurricane named Katrina blew Deepika Padukone’s dress away and as a result there are very few images of her right profile.

Aside: Why is her stylist referring to the Golden Globes look book and putting her in dresses that have got enough press and for all the wrong reasons? Lady Victoria Hervey, an Englishman’s answer to Queenie Dhody, wore the same dress to the Globes this year and not many thought she was victorious.

In Alexander McQueen

Priyanka Chopra in Alexander McQueen

This one is the rebellious cousin of Deepika’s church-going one (see link above). The pockets look like they are set afire by gold leaves and I would not be surprised if Deepika grabbed Priyanka and put her on her mantel mistaking her for the best actress trophy. Oh shit spoilers! Ah well, you’ll live.

That's a Louis Vuitton orgy happening on him

That’s a Louis Vuitton orgy happening on Ranveer Singh

I’m going to smoke up and watch the pattern come to life and try to strangle the teddy bear on his loafers. I suggest you do the same.

Kajol in a Nandita Mahtani gown

Kajol in a Nandita Mahtani gown

This is a great movie star shot. Unfortunately what she has on is not. I suspect she dropped her kids at the babysitter’s in her nightie and realised there was not enough time so she strapped on a belt and made it in time for this photo.

Anjana Sukhani

Anjana Sukhani

This one might as well be called Ruffle Lays.

Huma Qureshi in Gauri & Nainika

Huma Qureshi in Gauri & Nainika

And this one too. Ruffle Lays Magic Masala.

Preity Zinta in an extremely similar Gauri & Nainika too

Preity Zinta in an extremely similar Gauri & Nainika

Another movie star shot and another Ruffle Lays, this one Magic Masala with Tazos inside.

Dia Mirza in a very confusing Shantanu & Nikhil

Dia Mirza in a very confusing Shantanu & Nikhil

You can’t see from this angle but what she has on is a cropped top, leggings and a Lannister cloak worn as a nauvari sari.

Rekha doing her thang, y'all

Rekha doing her thang, y’all

That’s all the cloth of gold the Lannisters ever owned.

Neha Dhupia in a blouse by Payal Singhal and an Anju Modi skirt

Neha Dhupia in a blouse by Payal Singhal and an Anju Modi skirt

I’ll take it. And maybe lose the neckpieces and add earrings. But I’ll take it.

Karisma Kapoor in  Anamika Khanna

Karisma Kapoor in Anamika Khanna

The dress is the equivalent of a drunken Punjabi wedding where no one knows what the fuck is happening but everyone is in good spirits.

Kalki Koechlin in a lot of Sabyasachi

Kalki Koechlin in a lot of Sabyasachi

Yes, she is mourning the demise of her marriage. How did you guess?

A note to Sabyasachi and all those who wear him: Allow me to introduce you to the concept of a streamlined silhouette. This bada hai toh behtar hai philosophy does not work every time.

wearing a gorgeous Nikhil Thampi

Vaani Kapoor wearing a gorgeous Nikhil Thampi

I mean, if I had a body like that I too would wear as minimal clothes as possible. Let’s see what the valet guy is gawking at so intently.

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Work it, girl.

Richa Chadda in a Hervé Léger

Richa Chadda in a Hervé Léger

This dress is stupid. It’s drag-racing-drunk-without-a-seat-belt stupid. It’s a bandage dress with a whole carton of Ruffle Lays on it. The idea of a bandage dress is to show off the wearer’s figure so why would you cover it in cheap cake frosting? I blame the designer for this one. Her styling is not helping either.

Amrita Rao in a Payal Singhal sari

Amrita Rao in a Payal Singhal sari

Does she not remind you of a child actor from the ’50s who had an illustrious career playing a boy but when puberty hit no one knew what to do with her so now she is married to a producer 20 years her senior?

Nimrat Kaur wearing a Shehlaa sari

Nimrat Kaur wearing a Shehlaa sari

And that’s her pushy mother trying to relive her glamour days through her child. I mean this in the best possible way because she looks so old school Bollywood chic.

Emilio Pucci on Ileana D'cruz

Emilio Pucci on Ileana D’cruz (that reads weird)

Her extra long sleeves are spreading their lacy tentacles all across her body and soon she’ll star as Venom in a feminist remake of Spider-Man where the protagonist makes it her mission to rid the world of cobwebs.

Aditi Rao Hydari in Gaurav Gupta

Aditi Rao Hydari in Gaurav Gupta

The shoes she can courier me the rest she can burn, starting with that appliqué patch on her head.

Prachi Desai in Swapnil Shinde (that reads weird)

Prachi Desai in Swapnil Shinde

Bani Dixit (bet you did not know that was her surname) sexing it up? Hmmm… What would Mr Walia say?

Sophie Choudry in BCBG which sounds like an acronym for a bunch of Hindi gaalis

Sophie Choudry in BCBG which sounds like an acronym for a bunch of Hindi gaalis

Sophie Choudry did her bit to revive the age-old art of letter writing by encasing her twins in envelop flaps.

Konkona Sen Sharma drowning in a Rohit Bal anarkali

Konkona Sen Sharma drowning in a Rohit Bal anarkali

The white and gold combination is what you would normally wear to a Malayalee wedding along with gold in your weight, of course. But even by those standards this is too much gold.

Kajal Aggarwal in Monisha Jaising bling

Kajal Aggarwal in Monisha Jaising bling

I don’t believe the dress was stitched onto her, neither is there a JFK in sight and it’s definitely not his birthday.

Tamannah in Gauri & Nainika

Tamannah in Gauri & Nainika

She knows the dress is great and hence the smirk. Can we all say drama together?

Bruna Abdullah

Bruna Abdullah

Bruna Abdullah (you know her from…Google it, ya) is already so tall that the border of this anarkali is making her look like she is standing on stilts. Like she was the carnival attraction at Filmfare.

Chunky Pandey killing it

Chunky Pandey killing it

Bangladesh’s superstar was especially flown in to host the Red Carpet. If you ask me, Bollywood’s loss is Bangllywood’s (that’s what their industry is called, right?) gain. And this is Bollywood’s way of inviting him back into their fold but it’s too little too late, guys. We have lost a national treasure, especially when he looks this dapper.

Hosts Priyanka Chopra and Ranbir Kapoor

Hosts Priyanka Chopra and Ranbir Kapoor

Maybe if this was the pairing of Love Story 2050, life would have been very different.

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SAIFTA FIRST

What. WHAT. WHAAAAT IS A SAIFTA. IS IT SAIF ALI KHAN AND EKTA KAPOOR’S PRODUCTION COMPANY? SHOULD I EXPECT THRICE UPON A TIME IN PATAUDI SOON? SAIFTA SAIFTA DEKHO AANK MERI LADI HAIN?

(Apparently it’s a new award show. Everyone here in favour of an award show giving awards to award shows, say BITCH PLEASE, DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, now.)

Anyway, let’s delve into the South African Red Carpet. Mayhaps it’s more interesting than any of the others. Mayhaps it has dancers from Hum Bewafa grooving in the background. Mayhaps it has wild animals to pose with, a la Bond Villain den… hey, a person can hope, can’t she?

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I guess a picture of Divya Dutta with horns is the closest I can get… Though that’s not a bad look on her, even though I wish they’d bothered with a push-up bra. But the woman’s a fantastic actress, so she gets at least one pass.

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How much Spanx does it take to fit a Madhuri inside one of these? I feel like they must’ve had her to melt her, pour her into the dress and then wait for her to cool… I don’t understand why. SHE IS PERFECT. STOP MESSING WITH PERFECTION, STYLISTS. PUT HER IN A FIGURE-APPROPRIATE OUTFIT.

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You know how India was known as “sone ki chidiya” in the olden days? Well, if that “sone ki chidiya” ever shat on an ornate sack that was used to transport royal fridge magnets or something, THIS is what it would look like. I know I have always said that she’d look great even in a sack, but you know me, I never expect people to take me literally, or I’d have kept a straight face that one time I tweeted about wanting a book deal. And what is that she’s wearing on her feet? Is that a door-stopper?

These celebs keep making me want to turn to drugs, so help me God.

 

IIFA Q – PART 1

IIFA doesn’t have a RED Carpet, it has a GREEN carpet, and I’m sure there’s some pretentious environmental reason for this, because the only alternative is that it’s green because it’s a little sick of being yet another award show. So, what did they sport at Bollywood’s Best Reason to Travel to Some Phoren Place En Masse? Let’s take a look:

In Arpita Mehta

In Arpita Mehta

In my eyes, Madhuri Dixit can do no wrong. That’s why I killed Simon Cowell yesterday and borrowed his eyes so that I could do this objectively. I know na, I am THAT dedicated  what to do yaar. Anyhoo, Mads, this doesn’t work for me, sweets. The print overwhelms the embellishments overwhelm the colour, and that hair is decidedly blah. I don’t think you have what it takes to become American Idol. BOLLOCKS. LOO. KNICKERS. Okay I am done.

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I like Amrita Rao’s stylist. She tries. She *really* tries. I mean, this isn’t half-bad, but I don’t know about the hair, which has a very mane-y feel to it. Like I am expecting her to start singing Circle of Life any minute now.

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He deserves a mention simply because suede bow tie? Such a cool touch to creatively mix up a boring old suit. Very like.

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Maybe it’s just me, but if I have to stare at a bodice for five minutes just to figure out what the hell is going on with it, it better at least be a Sudoku puzzle. Also, her clutch is disappearing into her dress, like a two-year-old afraid of leaving mommy. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, the hair, the tulle, just. NO.

386401-iifa-awards-2013-bollywood-celebrities-on-green-carpetOnly Shahrukh can make an arm sling look effortlessly sexy.

Jacqueline Fernandes in Roberto Cavalli.

Jacqueline Fernandes in Roberto Cavalli.

I like how Abhishek Bachchan’s shadow is trying to protect Jacqueline Fernandes’ modesty… LOL J/K IT’S PARALYZED BECAUSE SOMEONE GAVE IT AN AWARD. But I digress. That is a GREAT dress on her, and the hair and make up are top-notch. Well done, Jacq. Have a Jadoo ki Jhappi on me.

Screen Shot 2013-07-08 at 11.22.31 AMA better pic.

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I knew they were bringing the wooly mammoth back from extinction, but I never thought it would be so soon.

What are you holding in your hand, Saif?

As it turns out, Kunal Khemu’s birthday is around the same time as the release of his Second Life  latest caper, Go Goa Gone! Since the movie left us in splits and he’s responsible for at least part of the dialogue, we will forgive him for the obviousness of this co-incidence and move on to what everybody brought to the proverbial table at his birthday party.

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Saifeena obviously brought themselves, because A-listers don’t need to buy presents. It is written, aye, in the Secret Book of A-Lister Rules (In Bookstores in 2014, written by Tushar Kapoor, published by Balaji Publishing.)  Kareena has embraced the Go Goa Gone-ness of it all with elan – that Russian-moll-on-Morjim look suits her, even though I don’t understand the need for sunglasses in the dark. HEY CELEBS, WE STILL KNOW IT’S YOU, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE WEARING SUNGLASSES IN THE DARK. STOP BEING SO BLOODY CLARK KENT ABOUT IT!

I am not sure that she should be dressing like that to a party, though, unless Khemu punked her and told her it was a beach-themed party while everyone else showed up in their evening duds. Now THAT would definitely make him slide lower in my list of Bollywood Men I Don’t Have Much of an Opinion On. Hit me when you get bored of Soha, Kunal!

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And there he is! The birthday boy himself. He forgot to tell Soha Ali Khan that when he said, “look good enough to eat” he didn’t mean “wrap yourself in aluminium foil”.

It’s okay bro, hota hai.

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And here’s Dia Mirza, showing everyone how it should be done. The colours of the dress play off her skin tones and the summery make up and jewellery give off an unmistakeable “fresh” vibe. Now if only her clothing sense translated into her choice of movies, or her acting abilities, or any other aspect of her life, honestly. Like, stop hanging out with Zayed Khan bro, the only thing he did right in life was get a haircut in Main Hoon Na.

Being Vogue about it

Bollywood and a few others glammed up for Vogue India’s 5th Anniversary Bash. Can you believe that the magazine has been around for five years? The very same magazine that is so aspirational I can’t even afford to buy it. Considering it’s a Vogue party, where you know, ‘Before it’s in fashion it’s in Vogue’, the performances were so-so.

I don’t know if it’s the angle or the lace neckline but Dia Mirza looks really err… endowed and voluptuous. The dress is giving negligee vibes. What’s going on around her waist? And why is it all black? Ok, red lips would have been too predictable but this ain’t a funeral.

On the red carpet are Smiley and her sister, Underpaid Geisha. Actually, I like what Kajol has on. It’s very unlike her – the colour, cut and more so the fact that it’s not an anarkali or ill-fitting pants. I’m undecided on Tanisha’s gown, but the makeup makes her look like a geisha who has seen better days.

Kalki Koechlin looks like a happy Flapper from the 20s so let’s not kill her buzz. Maybe those chunky shoes and clutch are doing it already.

Somebody tell Prateik the Harley Davidson gang bang session changed its venue last minute. The good thing is he might have to lose his clothes for an entry there.

Not my favourite person, not my favourite look but Siddharth Mallya looks a lot like Hugh Hefner with his smoking slippers and belted jacket. I think I secretly dig this look but I will deny it in court.

Who dares, wins.

Is there a “make-an-outfit-out-of-sofa-upholstery” trend going on somewhere that I totally missed? Because both Dia and Aditi seem to have got it down pat. Dia has even made a top out of a satin bedsheet. To these heralds of new age homefashionmaking I say, “Bravo!” 

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Now excuse me while I go make a bikini out of this tablecloth I just found.

 

Dia enters the tribal belt

Dia Mirza is on the fringes of Bollywood. She’s not obscure to warrant the question ‘Dia Who?’ neither is she in the limelight. Maybe because she insists on being associated with Zayed Khan Who. What she is is a fabulously dressed woman. Just not this time.

It’s a little tough to figure out if that thing she has on is a long coat, jumpsuit or rug held together with a belt. Go ahead and mix prints, nobody is stopping you, but this one is a little too tribal-like. A few feathers tucked into her hair and she’ll be the next chieftain of the tribe that feeds on bad cinema. Also, the garment is folding very awkwardly and pointing us in all the wrong directions.

The fresh makeup and the lack of any more tribal jewellery (we are completely ignoring the suicide-esque rope around her neck) is the only saving grace. But we will not hold this one against her.