Tayyab Ali Fashion Ka Dushman Hai Hai

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Sonakshi: I bet you can’t tell it.

Imran: Can’t tell what?

Sonakshi: That I stitched this dress myself. I learned how to do that in the WAGS class of this awesome school for Bollywood kids that I went to called WYPLYWTBHA*. It was a special session too, called What-to-do-when-you-put-all-your-money-in-an-Akshay-Kumar-movie-and-it-bombs. They have now re-named it LOLSHIRISHKUNDER.

Imran: Aren’t these bands on my jeans cute? They make me look like I’m a puppet. I am in pieces, held together only by the black cellotape of misery. ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS A REAL BOY!

Sonakshi: You are a real boy. What you ought to want to be is a real MAN.

Imran: With *that* attitude, lady, you’ll never be married by 30. What will you blame your career’s end on then?

Sonakshi: Poor sartorial choices… Anyhoo. What do you think of my shoes? I bought them on Linking Road! Rs 250 only! Beaded by skinny hands of starving kids!

Imran: Sigh.

Random Man in Background: GIMME EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTTT!!!! GIMME EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTT!!! EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTT!!!

*(Where your parents leave you while they’re busy having affairs.)

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Once again. All over again

I’m a little confused here.

Akshay Kumar, Sonakshi Sinha, Imran Khan

We were made to believe that Akshay Kumar, Sonakshi Sinha and Imran Khan were promoting Once a Upon a Time in Mumbaaaaai Again why then are the men striking the Singh is Kinnnng poseAside: Does misspelling your title earn an extra crore at the box office?

I think that actors dressing like the characters they play is a sign that Bollywood is truly coming of age. It’s a step Hollywood seldom takes. Did you see Robert Downey Jr. give interviews in the Ironman suit or a 10-foot blue Zoe Saldana at the Avatar screening or even Mike Myers in a green fat suit? No.

Akshay Kumar, Sonakshi Sinha, Imran Khan1

“Hey! There’s a box marked ‘Bad Fashion’. Let’s open it!”

But Bollywood actors are so dedicated that lines between real and reel are often blurred. Sonakshi, has on many occasions, worn snug, a decade-too-late salwar kameezes and you just know that most of Akshay’s suits have come from his own closet labelled ‘Yeh Dillagi’ and I’ll bet my bottom dollar that Imran thinks the heart-shaped buckle is a trend he must pioneer.

Bollywood, I salute you.

Maar dala

So Anuya and I watched Jab Tak Hai Jaan (JTHJ) as homage to one of Bollywood’s greatest filmmakers but mostly because we needed an excuse to escape two hours of Laxmi Pooja. But after we stumbled out of, what felt like a five hour long film, we’d sit through many poojas and smoky havans.

While JTHJ had the makings of an epic romance, we were left cringing and at other times rolling our eyes at the stupidity and leaps of logic the film was throwing at us. I’ll take Anushka Sharma in short-shorts and a tank top at an army base in Kashmir but I draw the line at passing off an otherwise 47-year-old Shah Rukh Khan as a fresh off the boat 25-year-old.

But, like always, nobody ever listens to us and all of Bollywood turned out for the film’s premiere. Fashion-wise they fared only marginally better than the film’s storyline.

SRK has and will always be a ladies’ man and who can stop him when he looks so dapper in a bow tie? (Aside: How hot does he look as a brooding army officer in the film!?) Anushka looks great and for her sake I hope that’s a dress and not a pair of pants with very, very flared bottoms. If I did not know better I’d think that was Katrina Kaif’s wax statue that stopped by on its way to Madame Tussauds. In fact I think it’s her statue. Notice how it’s emoting. I’m not sure if that’s a sari or some sort of skirt with a lace overlay. If it’s the former then it’s safe to say that we no longer wear petticoats under our saris, ladies.

Akshay Kumar is not wearing socks and Twinkle Khanna is wearing her mother’s hair. Moving on…

See, this is what marriage does to you – you start dressing like each other. Kiran Rao seems to have adopted Aamir Khan’s polished, streamlined style in this basic but elegant LBD. Aamir, though, is wearing Kiran’s jogging pants.

Bipasha Basu as Sonam Kapoor’s style inspiration? I did not see this one coming.

It’s like Parineeti Chopra’s dress is slowly eating its way up. I wonder what she looked like at the end of the premiere. Morticia Addams would have been proud. I do like her red clutch, though.

I think I can officially start a pregnancy rumour. Yes?

Amisha Patel, I get it that you have boobs, lustrous locks and no acting talent. Must you flaunt all three in my unimpressed face?