Ash hat

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Aishwarya Rai Bachchan is in Australia for the races as part of her tireless work for Longines.

And since she is around horses, it’s only respectful to wear fascinators. So she did. Or did she?

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For one event Aishwarya wore Mickey Mouse on her head.

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For another she wore that little twirl of dark chocolate you find on your chocolate pastry.

Sheer madness

When I first saw this photo I was like dude Aishwarya was so excited about the screening of Jazbaa that she forgot to wear a churidar.

But I was proven wrong. She did have time to wear something underneath her Monisha Jaising kaftan – sheer pantyhose.

Who does she think she is? Kate Middleton?

Aishwarya gallops back into our lives

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Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s comeback is really happening. I was hoping it was one big elaborate ploy by Bollywood but nope, she really is starring in a film.

From her choice of attire I’m going to assume that she plays a former equestrian who had a tragic accident involving her necklaces and now spends her time giving riding lessons to snooty South Mumbai kids. And yes, her beloved horse was called Jazbaa.

Dowdy Daisy

Salman Khan let Daisy Shah out of her pen to play promotion-promotion for a while.

Daisy Shah in Mayyur R Girotra on the sets of Nach Baliye 6

Daisy Shah in Mayyur R Girotra on the sets of Nach Baliye 6

For one of her first outings as a potential Bollywood mannequin, Daisy did not choose wisely. The heavily embroidered anarkali with the far-from-exciting black and gold combination did nothing to project her as a young, fresh face. Her stylist should have chosen something Daisy would have stood out in and not let her be drowned under an Aishwarya Rai Bachchan reject. How many Aishwarya seconds does she want in her life right now, anyway?

Salman Khan, Daisy Shah

But really, Daisy should not have bothered seeing as how she would have looked good in practically anything given that Salman chose to wear pants he stole from a hobo. His people paid good money for that… thing he has covering his legs.

Dhoom:3 Teaser Trailer

The teaser trailer (Tease me baby, till I lose control) for Dhoom:3 hit the web and I can’t say I’m hopping around in excitement because, hello, it’s Dhoom. But considering it’s the closest thing we have to an action franchise (you can count three films as a franchise, right?) it’s not half bad. It’s just that the other half is bad.

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Yes, Aamir Khan’s bringing sexy back but why would you hang indoors in just pants and a fedora? What fuckwit combination is that!?

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Katrina Kaif doing rope mallakhamb.

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Katrina Kaif and/or body double cartwheeling.

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Katrina Kaif doing household chores like dusting, looking nothing like Aishwarya Rai Bachchan in Dhoom:2. Not.

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Abhishek Bachchan doing his best Shammi Kapoor impression.

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Because of course he can get a sniper’s aim from a moving helicopter.  Put the guy on Apollo 13 and I’m sure he’d hit his target.

Uday Chopra -dhoom

Oh crap! Uday Chopra is in the film too. My mind conveniently blocked that part out.

Bike - Dhoom

Yeah and there are some bikes too. Whatever. That’s just incidental to the plotline.

Topi tales

Excuse us for the lack of posts. Our debauched existence is more of a hindrance than we perceived.

Aishwarya Rai Bachchan

Right so, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan showed up at the Royal Ascot and shared some birthing tips with Camilla Parker-Bowles to pass onto Kate Middleton. Then she bet more money on an injured horse than she did on Abhishek’s career. All while dressed like a 14-year-old with unlimited access to papa’s credit card.

While there’s nothing strictly wrong with her frock – I’m going to call it that and not a dress because it’s giving out a very frock-y vibe – I’m not blown away by it. Neither does it make me want to throw up violently. It’s really a lot like her career – okay but leaves me cold. Wow! That’s pot shots at the careers of two Bachchans in one post. I’m so going to pay for it.

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But let’s talk about the mandatory hat. Sorry, fascinator. It’s too matchy-matchy with her frock. I suspect the flower is a little overbearing, like her mother-in-law (I really am going to die a violent death). Why else would she be tilting her entire body to one side? Plus, flowers as a motif on fascinators are too blah. She could have worked with something more out there. Like a toilet brush or a TATA Sky dish.

Chota B is back in black

Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan Of late we’ve been seeing way too much of Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and very little of Abhishek Bachchan. Abhishek’s been out of the scene for so long that I almost forgot he existed. For the last few months the Bachchan khandan consisted only of Amitabh, Aishwarya and Aaradhya.

But now he’s popped up in London for a charity event looking oh so dapper. The suit is classic and beautifully cut. But wait, are those brown shoes with a black suit or is that the light playing tricks?

Aishwarya, on the other hand, borrowed the bottom half of Catwoman’s suit, a top left behind by Shiamak Davar’s troupe and one of Abhishek’s blazers. Truth be told her overall look is not too bad but I’m just exacting revenge for everything she put us through during Cannes.

Cannes ki Kahaani – Round four

I am absolutely convinced that Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and Mallika Sherawat’s stylists are just messing with us. The two are probably seated in their suite at Cannes right now, soaked in cocktails and cackling about how they’ve kept the rest of us guessing when it comes to their client’s looks.

My appeal to them: It might be hilarious to you but for the sanity and sanctity of all that’s fashion and films, please stop. It’s too much for my muddled brain to process. I mean just a few days ago Aishwarya was living it up on the red carpet and now you have her in a hairstyle harking back to her Miss World days.

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Sunehri rehti hain Andheri main magar sapne dekhti hain Cannes ke.

Aishwarya attended amfAR’s Cinema Against AIDS event where ‘The Ultimate Gold Collection Fashion Show’ was the highlight. When the invite mentions the word ‘gold’ it does not mean that you have to take it this literally. Everything is a shade of gold. And it’s not even a pretty shade like dull gold or rose gold but gold gold. Aishwarya go back to the Elie Saab. It’s your calling in life.

ANUYA’S THOUGHTS:

That’s not a saree. That’s the net King Triton uses to catch criminal mermen. That’s the Mithril armour Frodo found in the Mines of Moria. That’s, well, that’s, a LOT of fucking gold, is what that is. You can melt that down to make all the armour for Lord Tywin’s army…. and with that, my Game of Thrones referencing for the week is done.

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I’m being totally Punk’d here, aren’t I? Is that Mallika trying to pass off as a Disney princess? Since when do Disney princesses show their bra straps? Or wear lower back support belts the colour of their gowns?

This has been a very bad day for me. I’m going to go dunk my head in a bucket of ice water.

Cannes ki Kahaani – Baal Se Baal Milao

I love Aishwarya Rai… lol j/k, I am not a middle-aged bank clerk. I think she’s superflous, like her second chin and her stylist’s eyesight, which took in her latest look and didn’t send alarm signals to the brain that roughly translated to, “Hey. This is a wee ridic, non?”

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I have nothing against the dress. On someone else more athletic, like Deepika Padukone, it might even have looked good, except is it possible to think that the geometric bits are a bit too geometric? Like they’re making me want to open my 6th standard text book and start re-visiting all those Pythagoras Theorem problems that I wrote the answers to on my arm. If only I were Aishwarya Rai, then I’d have been able to hide the chits in my hairstyle, which is fondly referred to as “What Jews do when they can’t find their skullcaps.”

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From the pink lipstick to that bit of sideboob spilling over like boiled milk to the fact that her bracelet or whatever makes it look like her arm is bionic and would slide apart to expose circuit boards any moment so that she can access her light saber assassinate Vidya Balan, it is all very, very baffling and is making me wonder if Cannes is a no-mirror land because everyone who lives there is secretly Dracula.

Cannes-sylvania, anyone?

 

Cannes ki kahaani – ARB edition

I do realise that ARB does not have the same punch as AB but I forgot to take my shot and am not feeling terribly creative.

So I was super kicked that Aishwarya Rai Bachchan got everyone to stop yapping with her recent looks at Cannes. But my own words have come back to slap some sense into me.

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I have nothing against Sabyasachi. I just want him to take a bit of a break. It hurts my soul to see another heavily draped and embroidered, bindi-dotted actor. Aishwarya is wearing his lehenga-sari (what the hell is that now!?) to the screening of Bombay Talkies. She did so well in her Elie Saab that she seems to have morphed into her mother-in-law here. And what on earth is that ornamental door chain doing perched on her head? Also people have to stop namaste-ing the press. It does not make you any more Indian. Do you see Emma Watson sticking out her palm for a handshake? Or Diane Kruger throwing her right arm in the air?

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In a complete departure from her usual giggly self, Aishwarya is going for badass here. This, after Dhoom 2. I buy the look in bits. Like the lacy bits and the red lips. But I keep hoping she pulls out a pocket watch from the vest. What other purpose is it serving? And what’s up with her bad choice of headgear?

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Abu Jani-Sandeep Khosla should fire Aishwarya. I don’t think it’s their fault. She just does not wear them well. Tabu looked great in their creation at the Golden Globes. The details on this anarkali are stunning but Aishwarya is not.