Dhoom:3 Teaser Trailer

The teaser trailer (Tease me baby, till I lose control) for Dhoom:3 hit the web and I can’t say I’m hopping around in excitement because, hello, it’s Dhoom. But considering it’s the closest thing we have to an action franchise (you can count three films as a franchise, right?) it’s not half bad. It’s just that the other half is bad.

Aamir -dhoom

Yes, Aamir Khan’s bringing sexy back but why would you hang indoors in just pants and a fedora? What fuckwit combination is that!?

Katrina Kaif- Dhoom1

Katrina Kaif doing rope mallakhamb.

Katrina Kaif - dhoom

Katrina Kaif and/or body double cartwheeling.

Katrina kaif - dhoom2

Katrina Kaif doing household chores like dusting, looking nothing like Aishwarya Rai Bachchan in Dhoom:2. Not.

abhishek bachchan-dhoom

Abhishek Bachchan doing his best Shammi Kapoor impression.

Abhishek Bachchan-dhoom1

Because of course he can get a sniper’s aim from a moving helicopter.  Put the guy on Apollo 13 and I’m sure he’d hit his target.

Uday Chopra -dhoom

Oh crap! Uday Chopra is in the film too. My mind conveniently blocked that part out.

Bike - Dhoom

Yeah and there are some bikes too. Whatever. That’s just incidental to the plotline.

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Dhoom 3 – First Look

Okay listen, I don’t understand this concept of a motion poster, because in my head a motion poster is what gives you loosies and I am filled with this irresistible urge to chuck some Lomotil at it. The new Dhoom 3 poster features Aamir Khan’s naked back against a bustling city skyline, most probably Gotham, wearing a jaunty little hat and some pants.

Given what we know about his height, I am guessing that his character is something along the lines of an evil shirtless Charlie-Chaplin, walking around and striking terror into the hearts of citizens by toppling over trash cans and using revolving doors to create elaborate low-speed chase sequences.

Meri pant bhi sexy meri hat bhi sexy.

Meri pant bhi sexy meri hat bhi sexy.

Needless to say, I’m quaking in my shoes right now.

Ship of Theseus screening

Ship of Theseus had a screening and most of the big names attended solely because Aamir Khan threatened to courier them a DVD of Mela otherwise.

Katrina Kaif

Katrina Kaif, who after the screening, celebrated her happy birthday, dressed like an upside down orange candy.

Ranbir Kapoor

I just hope her alleged boyfriend took off his fedora for the screening otherwise Rani Mukerji would have missed half the film. Of course I’m assuming that Rani sat behind the couple. Why? Just because I can. Also I know the usher.

Rani Mukerji

If the Ship of Theseus was missing a sail it was because Rani wore it as pants. 

Ayushmann Khurrana

Ayushmann Khurrana’s wearing a ladies size small jacket in a lovely pastel hue. Just thought I’d point that out.

Jackie Shroff

My mother wept when she saw this image of Jackie Shroff. She remembers him looking like this and not like a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor who, in himself, is a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor.

Imran Khan and Avantika Malik

Imran Khan brought his own X and O game in case the film got too intellectual for him. As an aside, why are they dressed so formally while the others have basically rolled out of bed?

IIFA Q – Part 2

Sophie Choudry

Sophie Choudry, that’s actually a nice gown but nobody cares. Seriously, why is she even issued a passport?

Sridevi

It’s great to see Sridevi not limiting herself to saris just because this is her ‘second innings’. Yet, I think she’s always a step away from getting it pitch perfect. There’s nothing wrong with this look. It’s a nice enough gown and fits her well but I don’t know. Is it the hair? Does she look a little disproportionate?

Sridevi1

It’s more pronounced here. Her bust just does not seem in keeping with the rest of her body.

Anushka sharma

Anushka Sharma’s bustline, on the other hand, is not doing its job well. Woman, eat something so you can grow a pair. Eat a pear even. Stop going from skinny to skinnier. Also, I hate your hair. Go bald and wait for it to grow out.

Vidya Balan

It’s no longer funny. Just sad. Very sad. It will never get better, will it?

Diana Penty

Diana Penty, you’re pretty and young. Wear a dress. Vaccinate yourself against Vidyabalansari-itis.

UPDATE: I’m slacking or am losing my eyesight or simply my mind. That’s not Diana Penty. It’s Pooja Kumar (Thanks Anj for pointing that out). She was in Vishwaroopam. You really can’t trust the internet these days. Still, darling, put on a dress.

Divya Dutta

Now, I don’t mind someone like Divya Dutta in a sari. I just have a problem when she looks like a cross dressing Aamir Khan.

Neha Dhupia

If you’ve not noticed, Neha Dhupia and we have a love-hate relationship. This might not be not her best work but I’m going to give it to her. Just because it stands out in the sea of gowns and saris. It’s very high-priestess-of-the-pantheon but I’m not going to speak ill of it. I’m not. Maybe… NO!

Lisa Haydon

Sigh. I’m going to kill myself by drowning in that pattern. Thanks a lot, Lisa Haydon. I feel so good about myself now.

Deepika Padukone

Ditto Deepika. My neck is thicker than her exposed thigh. Whatever. I’m going to console myself with the fact that her ‘Tamilian’ accent in Chennai Express is the film’s comic relief.

Rang de, Basanti

Kiran Rao

I know I should be well-aware and hence immune to Kiran Rao’s ‘arty’ sense of style but it’s not like we have not seen her in something shapelier before. It’s great that she does not dress like a star wife (seeing as how that’s not her only claim to fame) in bandage dresses and over-embellished anarkalis. But why must the other extreme be this? A shapeless, colourless rag. It’s not like I’ll take her less seriously if she wore pink or a belt or something.

It’s all about loving the Birthday Boy

Karan Johar (actually it was Aarti Shetty, filmmaker Manmohan Shetty’s daughter) held Bollywood’s annual peace conference also known as his birthday bash. You know that everyone showed up but sadly all the images are of them in their cars trying to block out the paparazzi. Now, I could comment on their Audis, Mercs and BMWs but I don’t think that would do justice to those who come here for fashion. So this is the best I could conjure.

Note to self: At Anuya’s birthday next month take photos of friends alighting from rickshaws, buses and their 12cc Scooty Peps.

Karan JoharHere’s the birthday boy looking spiffy in a leather jacket – in the summer heat – stifling a fart.

Manish Malhotra, Kajol, Karisma Kapur, Karan Johar

Manish Malhotra tweeted this photo of himself, Kajol, Karisma Kapoor and Karan. Karisma’s totally pulling off the disco ball outfit. But is that an aquarium Kajol has on for a jacket? The fish are actually swimming towards her neck like they’d like to give her face a pedicure.

Parineeti Chopra

Parineeti Chopra not only chose to wear a bandage dress, a trend that’s long wrapped up, but also chose one that has horizontal stripes adorning the widest part of anyone’s anatomy.

Sussanne Roshan

Sussanne Roshan in an LBD. Whatever. Sussanne Roshan carrying a pillow for the sleepover? Now we are talking.

Saqib Saleem and Huma Qureshi

Huma Qureshi brought brother Saqib Saleem to commemorate the momentous occasion of her not looking frumpy. While the neon skirt is cool she could have paired it with another top and a whole other pair of shoes.

UPDATE: Huma’s actually wearing a dress and not a skirt with a top. I stand corrected. However, I still don’t like the top half of it.

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer ‘I don’t care enough’ Singh high-fiving the press.

Karan Johan, Aamir Khan

It’s heartening to see that celebrities also dress like us the morning after in shorts and chappals.

Maar dala

So Anuya and I watched Jab Tak Hai Jaan (JTHJ) as homage to one of Bollywood’s greatest filmmakers but mostly because we needed an excuse to escape two hours of Laxmi Pooja. But after we stumbled out of, what felt like a five hour long film, we’d sit through many poojas and smoky havans.

While JTHJ had the makings of an epic romance, we were left cringing and at other times rolling our eyes at the stupidity and leaps of logic the film was throwing at us. I’ll take Anushka Sharma in short-shorts and a tank top at an army base in Kashmir but I draw the line at passing off an otherwise 47-year-old Shah Rukh Khan as a fresh off the boat 25-year-old.

But, like always, nobody ever listens to us and all of Bollywood turned out for the film’s premiere. Fashion-wise they fared only marginally better than the film’s storyline.

SRK has and will always be a ladies’ man and who can stop him when he looks so dapper in a bow tie? (Aside: How hot does he look as a brooding army officer in the film!?) Anushka looks great and for her sake I hope that’s a dress and not a pair of pants with very, very flared bottoms. If I did not know better I’d think that was Katrina Kaif’s wax statue that stopped by on its way to Madame Tussauds. In fact I think it’s her statue. Notice how it’s emoting. I’m not sure if that’s a sari or some sort of skirt with a lace overlay. If it’s the former then it’s safe to say that we no longer wear petticoats under our saris, ladies.

Akshay Kumar is not wearing socks and Twinkle Khanna is wearing her mother’s hair. Moving on…

See, this is what marriage does to you – you start dressing like each other. Kiran Rao seems to have adopted Aamir Khan’s polished, streamlined style in this basic but elegant LBD. Aamir, though, is wearing Kiran’s jogging pants.

Bipasha Basu as Sonam Kapoor’s style inspiration? I did not see this one coming.

It’s like Parineeti Chopra’s dress is slowly eating its way up. I wonder what she looked like at the end of the premiere. Morticia Addams would have been proud. I do like her red clutch, though.

I think I can officially start a pregnancy rumour. Yes?

Amisha Patel, I get it that you have boobs, lustrous locks and no acting talent. Must you flaunt all three in my unimpressed face?