Cannes Ki Kahaani – The Queen has Landed

For most, Cannes is more about ‘who wore what?’ than ‘who screened what?’ It’s true. Just admit it. And having gotten that out of the way, here’s the moment we’ve all (ok, some of us) been waiting for – Aishwarya walked the Cannes red carpet for the 15th time.

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Aishwarya chose Lebanese designer Ali Younes (WHAT!? No Elie Saab? How could she!?). The gown is beaded within an inch of its life but let’s talk about that cape.

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I want it to be attached to everything I wear – jeans and kurta, shorts and t-shirt… everything.

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Aishwarya is at Cannes as L’Oréal’s brand ambassador (Sarbjit is also being screened) so you’d expect her make-up to be bang on. Why then does she look like Natalie Portman from Black Swan?

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Cannes Ki Kahaani – Khayalon Ki Mallika

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The 69th Cannes Film Festival kick-offed and Mallika Sherawat walked the famed red carpet in a Georges Hobeika gown.

Mallika’s last few Cannes appearances have been so stylish. Who is her stylist? Seriously, can that person and I have lunch and can they tell me how did they do it?

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Here’s a closer look at how beautiful the work on the gown is.

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Then, she wore Dolce & Gabbana for the press conference of her film Time Raiders. While the colour is great, I’m not feeling the look.

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Mallika chose a sleek Pucci for the photocall for her film. The ensemble fit her like a glove.

Seriously, who is her stylist and when can we have lunch?

Have you Sinha?

Sonakshi Sinha has come a long way. From being Salman Khan’s movie accessory to being Arjun Kapoor’s movie accessory, the journey has been arduous, mostly for people who watched her in all those movies (Sorry, a Lootera can only get you so far. Like if your career is a train journey, Lootera will take you from Churchgate to Dadar, tops. After that you’re on the mercy of Kaali-Peelis, and most of them will prolly say no because they have other important things to do, like scratch their balls and perm their hair.)

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From a fashion perspective, it’s been an evolution, and it gladdens my jaded heart to watch her go from being swaddled in all black to all these fashion experiments that I fondly refer to as the Sonam Kapoors.

Unfortunately, as we know, not all Sonam Kapoors are always hits.

In the one above for example, I’m expecting some spontaneous cray version of Bollywood Flamenco Moon Worship Dance, which she does to get The Mask’s attention…

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(I’m coming baby!)

…as he somersaults into the frame and whisks her away to the dulcet tunes of Copa Cabana, to a land far, far away where scripts for movies like Tevar and Action Jackson are used to make papier mache which is then used to make Leo DiCaprio idols.

To be fair (and what am I if not fair, huh?) the top is cute. But that fishtail skirt. I mean, it’s only genius if it’s subtly telling us the story of the Little Mermaid, you know, all she wanted was to be a part of the world above her hence the moon and the… hang on. There are 2 moons.

I give up.

 

Par Kyun?

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Arjun: Ki

Kareena: Ka

Arjun: We sound like a druid extra from Star Wars

Kareena: What Star Wars? There are no Star Wars! I already SAID I like PeeCee and she’s putting us on the global map, why won’t the PAPARAZZI LEAVE ME ALONE I just made fun of her accent that ONE TIME ARGGGH, SAIFUUU, WHERE ARE YOU I NEED A BACKRUB.

Arjun: Um…. K

Kareena: Actually it’s Ki

Arjun: Sigh.

 

Kaifi Ho Gaya Ab Bus Karo

This outfit reminds me of everything that is unfair in the world:

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  1. Katrina Kaif’s body
  2. Katrina Kaif’s skin
  3. Katrina Kaif’s hair
  4. Katrina Kaif’s legs
  5. That she gets to do sexytime with Ranbir (Does she still? Have they broken up? Are they still together? Any tramp stamps? FIRs? Update me, children.)
  6. World Hunger
  7. Exams
  8. That Pandas sometimes run out of bamboo to eat and that’s really sad
  9. That this other girl got made Head Captain of Red House simply because my class was away on a picnic and now I’ll never know what it’s like to be made Head Captain
  10. People with high metabolism who eat as much gulab jamun as they want without an ounce of body fat showing up. Those people are the worst. I hope they find love and happiness but that it gets taken away from them suddenly and cruelly because their love falls in love with the bai and now they have no love and they have no bai and that is what rockbottom is like.

Dat dress doh. It’s what she wore at the Women of Worth awards, which I assume is called that because you need lots of worth *cough*cash*cough* to be able to afford a Mikael D. (I have no idea who Mikael D is. I only know Michael J. And he ded.)

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. But I will look for you, I will find you and I will take that dress.” – Liam Neeson when he saw this dress:

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OK maybe not Liam Neeson. Maybe it was me. I also have a particular set of skills that involve calling an Uber super fast if I need a getaway car coz I desperately needed to dodge a very angry person in their underwear.

No biggie.

Someone else will have to get the shoes for me though. Any volunteers? Volunteers?

 

Taking cover – Ranveer and Priyanka

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How does he manage to do it? How does Ranveer Singh manage to have me thinking naughty thoughts while wearing a nath and a blouse!? He’s just exuding so much testosterone.

How did the model get this close to him and not jump his bones?

It’s interesting to see Ranveer carve such a unique fashion niche. There can be many Arjun Kapoors strutting around in their red high heels but don’t think there’ll ever be another Ranveer who wears a septum ring like it’s no big deal.

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While Ranveer was off doing this, his Kashibai Priyanka Chopra was also on a magazine cover in a nath and a blazer. She looks great, no doubt, but all I have to say is that that’s what most women at weddings end up looking like once the night is winding down and they’ve had to borrow their husband’s blazer because when it’s 10 degrees (25, if you live in Bombay) and your’re at an outdoor wedding and that skimpy choli does not seem like the best idea.

Eliza Doodle

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Don’t get what’s all the fuss over Alia Bhatt’s Shaandaar Doodle Dress. Every girl who has ever appeared for 10th standard board exams has her own version of the doddle dress. You just have to have the answers written on the hem of your uniform. Those Group D sums are a bitch.

Welcome Back!

Wanted the first post we do after a while (okay, fine, fine, we did one last week Mr Technical) to be titled Welcome Back and so I chose this picture from Welcome Back and also made my dear friend Anees Bazmee(we play rummi on Tuesday nights at Sajid Khan’s house… I just call him A) shoot an entire movie and release it at this precise moment so that everything is timed perfectly and happens before the clock strikes midnight and my carriage turns back into a pumpkin.

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Shruti Hassan: *repeat to self* Nothing is worth allowing Sonam Kapoor to go all Edward Scissorhands on this skirt. Not even this movie. Nothing is worth allowing Sonam Kapoor to go all Edward Scissorhands on this skirt. Not even this movie. Nothing is worth allowing Sonam Kapoor to go all Edward Scissorhands on this skirt. Not even this movie.

John Abraham: SOMEONE CAST ME IN A MOVIE THAT ACTUALLY SAW THE LIGHT OF THE DAY I AM NEVER GOING TO STOP SMILING I AM SO HIGH!

Anil Kapoor: The fact that I can carry a movie AND a purple blazer on my shoulders at my age should be enough to ask for better supporting cast in A’s next, I think. Hmmm. Must consult Anuya on this one.

 

Grin and Bear It

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I like it that their faces are so fake gleeful, almost as if they’re grinning through the pain of being in a movie that looks like a My Little Pony tribute-sequel to a Raju Chacha.  That trailer is so nauseatingly colourful, even Alia’s t-shirt had to shut its eyes because it couldn’t take it anymore (Read all about it in its autobiography, T-Shirt Ki Atmakatha, coming soon to an exam near you.) If I were Shahid/ Alia, I’d have sworn off colour too.

Guys, don’t worry, I have a black and white filter on Instagram all ready for you.