Taking cover – Alia and Sidharth

vogue cover

What is up with Vogue? They put people in chaddis on their cover and label them as cute. That’s the wrong adjective, Vogue. Could you not think of anything else?

You know what, maybe Alia Bhatt and Sidharth Malhotra are cute on the inside (of the magazine. Not on the inside as people. Actually, maybe they are goofballs as people. I don’t know their lives). The video sure has them goofing around.

vogue cover2But the photos are anything but cute.

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Taking cover – Ranveer and Priyanka

ranveer l'officiel

How does he manage to do it? How does Ranveer Singh manage to have me thinking naughty thoughts while wearing a nath and a blouse!? He’s just exuding so much testosterone.

How did the model get this close to him and not jump his bones?

It’s interesting to see Ranveer carve such a unique fashion niche. There can be many Arjun Kapoors strutting around in their red high heels but don’t think there’ll ever be another Ranveer who wears a septum ring like it’s no big deal.

priyanka haprers

While Ranveer was off doing this, his Kashibai Priyanka Chopra was also on a magazine cover in a nath and a blazer. She looks great, no doubt, but all I have to say is that that’s what most women at weddings end up looking like once the night is winding down and they’ve had to borrow their husband’s blazer because when it’s 10 degrees (25, if you live in Bombay) and your’re at an outdoor wedding and that skimpy choli does not seem like the best idea.

January covers

With another year upon us, magazines recycled old celebrities in new avatars.

Vidya Balan - Cover

This Vidya Balan cover is so much better than her other Filmfare one. In fact, I think, it’s one of her better looks in print, celluloid or in person. There’s a great Frida Kahlo vibe happening yet, stylist Jayati Bose has not strayed too far from Vidya’s comfort zone of flowy silhouettes and ethnic prints.

Nargis Fakhri-Cover

Princess Leia in a gold bikini! Princess Leia in a gold bikini! Oh no. That’s just Nargis Fakhri in Gucci.

Alia Bhatt - Cover

In this ensemble by Turquoise and Gold, Alia Bhatt embodies everything the cover claims are the next fashion fads – gelato colours (which are very different from sorbet shades, mind you), pants so shiny, sunlight bounces off them and of course, florals. Everything else about the look seems so normal and wearable that the Louis Vuitton scarf worn as a headwrap makes me frown a bit.

Nimrat Kaur - Cover

Truth be told, Nimrat Kaur is quite awesome. She looks great, has a nice sense of style and is a talent to watch out for. Which is why I don’t understand why Verve would want to do this to her. Why take a perfectly proportionate person and enlarge their head on your cover? And why are you so miffed with her right elbow to have cut it off completely?

Spot The Difference

Picture 1: 
L'OFFICIEL COVER DECEMBER 2013

 

Picture 2:

ursulabody

 

 

P.S.: Someone tell Sonakshi that as badly as she is trying to be Ursula, that fisherman’s net as a cape idea is a bit overkill.

 

It Don’t Matter If You’re Black Or Black

The other day Anuya and I had the cocktail Black Mamba and it basically tasted like sunshine and starburst.  This piece of information may or may not have anything to do with Freida Pinto’s Vogue Anniversary cover.

On the cover of Vogue India's Anniversary issue

On the cover of Vogue India’s anniversary issue

Everybody is going ape shit about how she got a complete, full 360° makeover. And I guess she has. You know, her cheekbones seem sharper and that’s the first time we’ve got a full view of her crotch in black chaddis. Goth-sexy is seldom her style and Vogue has pulled it off with panache, thanks to the heavy eye makeup, bra and, lest we forget she is actually Indian, the ethnic neckpiece and chunky bangle stack. But why would you choose an image where, basically, we have to stare at her crotch to read the cover line? I’m sure if you took a pop quiz of what the cover line was, you’d get something like a) Err… umm.. Dev Patel! b) Slum my Dog c) What cover line?

At least they don’t have the usual suspects – Deepika or Katrina on the cover.

PS: I think this cover is a precursor to the new Bruno Mars video ‘Gorilla’ starring a pole dancing Freida. Mars mostly sings about how he wants to go all monkey style on her while she gives his guitar a blowjob and then sets it on fire. It’s all too hot to handle so the sprinklers come on. Yeah, also somewhere in the middle they sneak off to do it teenage kids style in the backseat of a car. But this is not to say that Freida does not look smoking hot. Because she so does.

Maharani Deepika hazir ho rahi hai

September is one of the most important months for fashion magazines because the fashion seasons change, the coolest shows (London, New York, Paris) happen in this month and designers also release their look books. This is, of course, in keeping with the international standards but if Vogue India does not insist on following international diktats, I don’t know who will.  So after, what I’m guessing, was a 2-minute discussion during a sutta break on who to pick as their September cover girl they chose…

Gasp! Deepika Padukone.

In Marchesa

In Marchesa

Deepika might be Bollywood’s reigning queen (a dark, dark day in our lives) but Vogue went really literal when they plonked a crown on her. I won’t be surprised if they sourced it from the queen of England herself. It’s Vogue, I won’t put it past them.

Aside: To get rid of dark circles, as one of the cover lines states, if Vogue is suggesting a good night’s sleep, I’d like to invite them post 10 pm to where I stay. Balam Pichkari has been blaring for the last 10 days. It’s a holi song, Ganpati does not really care about it.

Also if one of the ways to eat and cheat to losing weight is smaller portions, my question to Vogue is just how do you have only one strip of bacon? How!? You have to be dead inside to stop at just one.  Dead, I say. DEAD! Damnit! Now I want a double beef burger.

Of course I will be horribly shamed if neither of the two make the list.

In Dolce & Gabbana

In Dolce & Gabbana

This is another version of the same theory. The one about royalty not burgers. Only this one’s more medieval. I love the metallic bustier. It’s so badass, like a warrior princess on her day off.  And it’s got a peplum  that does not fall flat. It’s like her own personal merry-go-round. Her finger is reaching out to press the ‘on’ button even.

Taking Cover Story Too Literally

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Guys, I don’t think Vidya Balan understands what we are saying, so perhaps she doesn’t understand English? So in order to help her, I’ve translated it into five languages:

Voy a dejar de vestirse como Jaya Bachchan. (Spanish)

Mee Jaya Bachchan saarkhe kapdey naahi ghaalnar. (Marathi)

Je vais arrêter de s’habiller comme Jaya Bachchan. (French)

سأتوقف خلع الملابس مثل جايا باتشان (Tamil… LOL J/K it’s Arabic)

Sun yaar, chill maar. (Bindass/ Haryana youth.)

You think she’ll get us now? I mean, I like it that the outfit is a nod to Sharmila Tagore from the days of yore, but Vidya for God’s sake. How old are you? 35? YOU ARE YOUNG, YAAR. Nargis Fakri is almost same to same age. Stop dressing like an aunty and let your voluptuous body out of this designer saree-shaped cage. DO IT FOR SACHIN.

 

Also I took the liberty of completing the cover lines just for some fun:

1. Sonam silences her critics… by using special edition Dior duct tape that her sister picked up for her in London.

2. Why Katrina has no time for love… because she is too busy getting lipo all the time.

 

ANNND THAT’S A WRAP.