Taking cover – Alia and Sidharth

vogue cover

What is up with Vogue? They put people in chaddis on their cover and label them as cute. That’s the wrong adjective, Vogue. Could you not think of anything else?

You know what, maybe Alia Bhatt and Sidharth Malhotra are cute on the inside (of the magazine. Not on the inside as people. Actually, maybe they are goofballs as people. I don’t know their lives). The video sure has them goofing around.

vogue cover2But the photos are anything but cute.

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Taking cover – Ranveer and Priyanka

ranveer l'officiel

How does he manage to do it? How does Ranveer Singh manage to have me thinking naughty thoughts while wearing a nath and a blouse!? He’s just exuding so much testosterone.

How did the model get this close to him and not jump his bones?

It’s interesting to see Ranveer carve such a unique fashion niche. There can be many Arjun Kapoors strutting around in their red high heels but don’t think there’ll ever be another Ranveer who wears a septum ring like it’s no big deal.

priyanka haprers

While Ranveer was off doing this, his Kashibai Priyanka Chopra was also on a magazine cover in a nath and a blazer. She looks great, no doubt, but all I have to say is that that’s what most women at weddings end up looking like once the night is winding down and they’ve had to borrow their husband’s blazer because when it’s 10 degrees (25, if you live in Bombay) and your’re at an outdoor wedding and that skimpy choli does not seem like the best idea.

Cover-up material

In Varun Bahl

In Varun Bahl

We are evidently still doing peplums not that I’m complaining. I love peplums because they totally hide my underbelly flab and a little of my gigantic backside making it seem normal-sized. Not that Parineeti Chopra has to bother with such things. I think she has a great body, one that is healthy and totally believable and she should stop giving interviews where she refers to herself as overweight and explain how she’s on this spree to lose weight. Average-size is not overweight. It is just, you know, average size.

In Atsu Sekhose

In Atsu Sekhose

To drive my point home further, this is her on the cover of Femina looking stunning. This is very different from the usual Femina covers that tend to be brightly lit and not so sultry with very little experimentation with the model’s look. However, with this cover and the photos inside, Femina has made a departure from the usual bubbly portrayal of Parineeti. There is a certain soft sexiness to her and she’s totally owning it.

Wearing Sonaakshi Raaj

Wearing Sonaakshi Raaj

That is how you do side boob with a touch of class.

In a gorgeous Gauri and Nainika

In a gorgeous Gauri and Nainika

And some cleavage too. She looks like she is pining for a lover. Only if the rest of us looked this great after a break up.

January covers

With another year upon us, magazines recycled old celebrities in new avatars.

Vidya Balan - Cover

This Vidya Balan cover is so much better than her other Filmfare one. In fact, I think, it’s one of her better looks in print, celluloid or in person. There’s a great Frida Kahlo vibe happening yet, stylist Jayati Bose has not strayed too far from Vidya’s comfort zone of flowy silhouettes and ethnic prints.

Nargis Fakhri-Cover

Princess Leia in a gold bikini! Princess Leia in a gold bikini! Oh no. That’s just Nargis Fakhri in Gucci.

Alia Bhatt - Cover

In this ensemble by Turquoise and Gold, Alia Bhatt embodies everything the cover claims are the next fashion fads – gelato colours (which are very different from sorbet shades, mind you), pants so shiny, sunlight bounces off them and of course, florals. Everything else about the look seems so normal and wearable that the Louis Vuitton scarf worn as a headwrap makes me frown a bit.

Nimrat Kaur - Cover

Truth be told, Nimrat Kaur is quite awesome. She looks great, has a nice sense of style and is a talent to watch out for. Which is why I don’t understand why Verve would want to do this to her. Why take a perfectly proportionate person and enlarge their head on your cover? And why are you so miffed with her right elbow to have cut it off completely?

It Don’t Matter If You’re Black Or Black

The other day Anuya and I had the cocktail Black Mamba and it basically tasted like sunshine and starburst.  This piece of information may or may not have anything to do with Freida Pinto’s Vogue Anniversary cover.

On the cover of Vogue India's Anniversary issue

On the cover of Vogue India’s anniversary issue

Everybody is going ape shit about how she got a complete, full 360° makeover. And I guess she has. You know, her cheekbones seem sharper and that’s the first time we’ve got a full view of her crotch in black chaddis. Goth-sexy is seldom her style and Vogue has pulled it off with panache, thanks to the heavy eye makeup, bra and, lest we forget she is actually Indian, the ethnic neckpiece and chunky bangle stack. But why would you choose an image where, basically, we have to stare at her crotch to read the cover line? I’m sure if you took a pop quiz of what the cover line was, you’d get something like a) Err… umm.. Dev Patel! b) Slum my Dog c) What cover line?

At least they don’t have the usual suspects – Deepika or Katrina on the cover.

PS: I think this cover is a precursor to the new Bruno Mars video ‘Gorilla’ starring a pole dancing Freida. Mars mostly sings about how he wants to go all monkey style on her while she gives his guitar a blowjob and then sets it on fire. It’s all too hot to handle so the sprinklers come on. Yeah, also somewhere in the middle they sneak off to do it teenage kids style in the backseat of a car. But this is not to say that Freida does not look smoking hot. Because she so does.

Deepika does double duty

Deepika Femina

Femina is still flogging the 100 years of cinema horse with its latest special edition cover. The gatefold opens to reveal three more Deepikas. That, right there, is many a people’s wet dream. She looks stunning, no doubt. Unlike Ranbir Kapoor I’d actually pick her over Katrina Kaif solely based on her choice of attires. But, somehow, I don’t think that was his prime criteria. Katrina is like milk chocolate – all white and single-flavoured but Deepika seems like dark chocolate with hazelnut – layered with surprises thrown in. This assessment refers to their outfits and has nothing to do with them personally or professionally because a) I don’t hang with them on a daily basis or like ever and b) Their combined professional talent does not keep me interested on a daily basis or EVER.

Hold on, why did I start talking about Katrina? Back to the cover. As an ode to Bollywood, Deepika donned five different looks depicting five different heroines and hence five different facets of Bollywood. The first one is a Cocktail inspired Zara look with crazy ass Steve Madden shoes. The busy metallic skirt is beautifully offset by the basic grey, slouchy top. Next she wears a Sabyasachi lehenga (like that was not obvious) paying homage to Umrao Jaan. It’s all you’d expect from a Sabyasachi lehenga. Nothing more, nothing less.

Deepika Femina 1

Zeenat Aman gets channelled in a Nikhil Thampi ensemble. The exaggerated sleeves look great on a magazine cover but I’m wondering about the practicality of having them drag along the dance floor. Deepika does a Mumtaz in a Ritu Kumar sari and blouse. I love the high neck blouse and the plain sari with the pouf styled to perfection. The final and, possibly my favourite, is the Helen look. The Rohit Gandhi + Rahul Khanna dress captures Helen’s peek-a-boo style so well as does the I’m-fresh-off-a-romp-in-the-hay hair. And I’d totally pledge my soul to the devil for those Christian Louboutins.

I like that all the ensembles have a soft, almost earthy colour palette and even though the looks hark back to an era gone by they still have a modern touch to them. Stylist Allia Al Rufai and hair and makeup artiste Anil Chinappa have done a great job.

But my grouse is not so much with the look and feel of the cover but with the concept itself. The edit team could have come up something a little more challenging than have a contemporary heroine play dress with a makeup room as the backdrop. It’s feels like this was the first idea they had and they just ran with it. It’s the 100 years of leading ladies, so much more could have been done. They took their tagline ‘For all the women you are’ and literally translated that into portraying Deepika in many avatars. The issue, by itself, is interesting and comprehensive. Come on, Femina give us something more to work with.

Deepika elle

In complete contrast, Deepika goes chic in this teal Louis Vuitton for the Elle cover. I like that it’s actually wearable. People won’t drag me to the circus if I do wear this out in public (not that I can afford an LV). The hair is short and wispy and the blue tones are in keeping with the monsoon but what is with that hospital curtain backdrop?