Cannes Ki Kahaani – The Queen has Landed

For most, Cannes is more about ‘who wore what?’ than ‘who screened what?’ It’s true. Just admit it. And having gotten that out of the way, here’s the moment we’ve all (ok, some of us) been waiting for – Aishwarya walked the Cannes red carpet for the 15th time.

Aishwarya chose Lebanese designer Ali Younes (WHAT!? No Elie Saab? How could she!?). The gown is beaded within an inch of its life but let’s talk about that cape.

I want it to be attached to everything I wear – jeans and kurta, shorts and t-shirt… everything.

Aishwarya is at Cannes as L’Oréal’s brand ambassador (Sarbjit is also being screened) so you’d expect her make-up to be bang on. Why then does she look like Natalie Portman from Black Swan?

Cannes Ki Kahaani – Khayalon Ki Mallika

The 69th Cannes Film Festival kick-offed and Mallika Sherawat walked the famed red carpet in a Georges Hobeika gown.

Mallika’s last few Cannes appearances have been so stylish. Who is her stylist? Seriously, can that person and I have lunch and can they tell me how did they do it?

Here’s a closer look at how beautiful the work on the gown is.

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Then, she wore Dolce & Gabbana for the press conference of her film Time Raiders. While the colour is great, I’m not feeling the look.

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Mallika chose a sleek Pucci for the photocall for her film. The ensemble fit her like a glove.

Seriously, who is her stylist and when can we have lunch?

Ash hat

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Aishwarya Rai Bachchan is in Australia for the races as part of her tireless work for Longines.

And since she is around horses, it’s only respectful to wear fascinators. So she did. Or did she?

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For one event Aishwarya wore Mickey Mouse on her head.

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For another she wore that little twirl of dark chocolate you find on your chocolate pastry.

Priyanka’s Oscar gown so white

Priyanka Chopra attended the 88th Academy Awards and killed it in her Zuhair Murad.

It was strapless, it was sheer and it was amazing. The conservative aunties would blush at the amount of sheer but not question anyone’s upbringing. Basically, I’m saying it was sheer but not Beyoncé sheer. Beyoncé sheer is not bad. Sheer is sheer, I guess.

Someone commented that this was the perfect dress for her, that it looks like it was made for her. I completely agree.

Priyanka kept her styling simple with a dark (but not too dark) lip and a ponytail. Yup, she made a ponytail work for a zillion dollar gown.

And speaking of zillion dollars, check out her Lorraine Schwartz jewellery which costs some EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS!

She then attended the Vanity Fair party in a sequin Jenny Packham. She got time to change her make-up and earrings as well. I get this Jenny Packham gown. I mean after that clingy strapless Zuhair Murad, this column gown with the slit at the bust must feel like coming up for air.

I just hope she did not shimmy too hard on the dance floor.

Taking cover – Alia and Sidharth

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What is up with Vogue? They put people in chaddis on their cover and label them as cute. That’s the wrong adjective, Vogue. Could you not think of anything else?

You know what, maybe Alia Bhatt and Sidharth Malhotra are cute on the inside (of the magazine. Not on the inside as people. Actually, maybe they are goofballs as people. I don’t know their lives). The video sure has them goofing around.

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Taking cover – Ranveer and Priyanka

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How does he manage to do it? How does Ranveer Singh manage to have me thinking naughty thoughts while wearing a nath and a blouse!? He’s just exuding so much testosterone.

How did the model get this close to him and not jump his bones?

It’s interesting to see Ranveer carve such a unique fashion niche. There can be many Arjun Kapoors strutting around in their red high heels but don’t think there’ll ever be another Ranveer who wears a septum ring like it’s no big deal.

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While Ranveer was off doing this, his Kashibai Priyanka Chopra was also on a magazine cover in a nath and a blazer. She looks great, no doubt, but all I have to say is that that’s what most women at weddings end up looking like once the night is winding down and they’ve had to borrow their husband’s blazer because when it’s 10 degrees (25, if you live in Bombay) and your’re at an outdoor wedding and that skimpy choli does not seem like the best idea.

The ice (cream) goddess

Kareena Kapoor was dressed like the Grecian goddess of chocolate. Or ice cream. No, chocolate ice cream!

I guess the look served its purpose since she was promoting exactly this.

Cut above the rest: Part Deux

The team of Fitoor headed out to launch the film’s trailer.

Katrina Kaif  attended in a white Cushnie Et Ochs with an exposed zipper. Obviously, she looked great with her soft make-up and soft waves.

She also happened to accessorise really well. That finger ring! I want it! I suspect I an obsessed with rings. Not in a I’m-almost-over-the-hill-and-must-get-married way but in a rings-are-amazing way.

PS: Her expression, though.

Maybe Aditya Roy Kapur too is obsessed with rings  and is totally checking out Katrina’s ring.

A cut above the rest

I won’t be the first or the last person to say that Katrina Kaif is not hot. I might be a minority but I don’t think I’m alone.

And Katrina showed people like me a giant middle finger when she walked the red carpet at the GQ Fashion Nights in a cut out Philipp Plein gown. And by cut out I mean CUT OUT. It was so cut out that there were tiny triangles of cloth missing under the bust.

And that slit was so high you’d think it was smoking up all day long.

If she keeps dressing like this I might have to change my opinion about her. Which, I’m sure, will make her very happy.

Not skirting the issue

Priyanka: Guys! Ranveer’s wearing a skirt! An actual skirt with pleats and shit.

That’s right! Ranveer wore a sherwani jacket and a long skirt and was super chill in it. I mean, the guy danced in it too. This, when some of us can barely stand upright in all that cloth.

Props to him for so casually being like, Fuck you, gender rules of dressing. I want to wear a skirt and I’ll wear a damn skirt.

You know, if he next rocks up to an event in a nauvari and totally kills it, I wouldn’t be surprised.