Have you Sinha?

Sonakshi Sinha has come a long way. From being Salman Khan’s movie accessory to being Arjun Kapoor’s movie accessory, the journey has been arduous, mostly for people who watched her in all those movies (Sorry, a Lootera can only get you so far. Like if your career is a train journey, Lootera will take you from Churchgate to Dadar, tops. After that you’re on the mercy of Kaali-Peelis, and most of them will prolly say no because they have other important things to do, like scratch their balls and perm their hair.)

From a fashion perspective, it’s been an evolution, and it gladdens my jaded heart to watch her go from being swaddled in all black to all these fashion experiments that I fondly refer to as the Sonam Kapoors.

Unfortunately, as we know, not all Sonam Kapoors are always hits.

In the one above for example, I’m expecting some spontaneous cray version of Bollywood Flamenco Moon Worship Dance, which she does to get The Mask’s attention…

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(I’m coming baby!)

…as he somersaults into the frame and whisks her away to the dulcet tunes of Copa Cabana, to a land far, far away where scripts for movies like Tevar and Action Jackson are used to make papier mache which is then used to make Leo DiCaprio idols.

To be fair (and what am I if not fair, huh?) the top is cute. But that fishtail skirt. I mean, it’s only genius if it’s subtly telling us the story of the Little Mermaid, you know, all she wanted was to be a part of the world above her hence the moon and the… hang on. There are 2 moons.

I give up.

 

Par Kyun?

Arjun: Ki

Kareena: Ka

Arjun: We sound like a druid extra from Star Wars

Kareena: What Star Wars? There are no Star Wars! I already SAID I like PeeCee and she’s putting us on the global map, why won’t the PAPARAZZI LEAVE ME ALONE I just made fun of her accent that ONE TIME ARGGGH, SAIFUUU, WHERE ARE YOU I NEED A BACKRUB.

Arjun: Um…. K

Kareena: Actually it’s Ki

Arjun: Sigh.

 

Kaifi Ho Gaya Ab Bus Karo

This outfit reminds me of everything that is unfair in the world:

  1. Katrina Kaif’s body
  2. Katrina Kaif’s skin
  3. Katrina Kaif’s hair
  4. Katrina Kaif’s legs
  5. That she gets to do sexytime with Ranbir (Does she still? Have they broken up? Are they still together? Any tramp stamps? FIRs? Update me, children.)
  6. World Hunger
  7. Exams
  8. That Pandas sometimes run out of bamboo to eat and that’s really sad
  9. That this other girl got made Head Captain of Red House simply because my class was away on a picnic and now I’ll never know what it’s like to be made Head Captain
  10. People with high metabolism who eat as much gulab jamun as they want without an ounce of body fat showing up. Those people are the worst. I hope they find love and happiness but that it gets taken away from them suddenly and cruelly because their love falls in love with the bai and now they have no love and they have no bai and that is what rockbottom is like.

Dat dress doh. It’s what she wore at the Women of Worth awards, which I assume is called that because you need lots of worth *cough*cash*cough* to be able to afford a Mikael D. (I have no idea who Mikael D is. I only know Michael J. And he ded.)

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. But I will look for you, I will find you and I will take that dress.” – Liam Neeson when he saw this dress:

OK maybe not Liam Neeson. Maybe it was me. I also have a particular set of skills that involve calling an Uber super fast if I need a getaway car coz I desperately needed to dodge a very angry person in their underwear.

No biggie.

Someone else will have to get the shoes for me though. Any volunteers? Volunteers?

 

Welcome Back!

Wanted the first post we do after a while (okay, fine, fine, we did one last week Mr Technical) to be titled Welcome Back and so I chose this picture from Welcome Back and also made my dear friend Anees Bazmee(we play rummi on Tuesday nights at Sajid Khan’s house… I just call him A) shoot an entire movie and release it at this precise moment so that everything is timed perfectly and happens before the clock strikes midnight and my carriage turns back into a pumpkin.

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Shruti Hassan: *repeat to self* Nothing is worth allowing Sonam Kapoor to go all Edward Scissorhands on this skirt. Not even this movie. Nothing is worth allowing Sonam Kapoor to go all Edward Scissorhands on this skirt. Not even this movie. Nothing is worth allowing Sonam Kapoor to go all Edward Scissorhands on this skirt. Not even this movie.

John Abraham: SOMEONE CAST ME IN A MOVIE THAT ACTUALLY SAW THE LIGHT OF THE DAY I AM NEVER GOING TO STOP SMILING I AM SO HIGH!

Anil Kapoor: The fact that I can carry a movie AND a purple blazer on my shoulders at my age should be enough to ask for better supporting cast in A’s next, I think. Hmmm. Must consult Anuya on this one.

 

Grin and Bear It

I like it that their faces are so fake gleeful, almost as if they’re grinning through the pain of being in a movie that looks like a My Little Pony tribute-sequel to a Raju Chacha.  That trailer is so nauseatingly colourful, even Alia’s t-shirt had to shut its eyes because it couldn’t take it anymore (Read all about it in its autobiography, T-Shirt Ki Atmakatha, coming soon to an exam near you.) If I were Shahid/ Alia, I’d have sworn off colour too.

Guys, don’t worry, I have a black and white filter on Instagram all ready for you.

Baith Jaiye

Not sure if Rekha or Sonam Kapoor. Though if we’re looking at where they are on the railway journey of their movie career, one can assume they’re at the same platform, warily checking each other out and commending themselves for looking more youthful than the other at the very least. Sonam Kapoor, who is often lauded for her choice in clothes and one liners, looks completely off her game in this heavy gold saree and strict hostel matron hair, unless she has been approached to play Sonia Gandhi and no one bothered to tell the media because after Dolly ki Doli no one really cares anyway. Also I have this mad urge to touch her feet and ask for her blessing before I go give my board exams.

I think all that gold has hypnotised me.

Bigg Boss is Hungry

Salman: Putting this in mouth because it looks like something I’d find at a sweets store in Mahim on Fridays.

Jacqueline: What the fuck.

Salman: Bigg Boss pays very little.

Jacqueline: Let go of my saree, pervert.

Salman: That’s what Aishwarya said. So I bit her instead.

Picture is blurry because Salman drove an SUV over it.

Jacqueline: *faints due to shock*

Arjun Rampal: Gotcha

Jacqueline:  Oh thank God.

Arjun: Hi. I’m a hipster. That’s what young people are these days. They’re hipster. Like me. It’s true. Because hipsters don’t lie.  Do you like my hat?

Jacqueline: Can I keep pretending to be unconscious so I don’t have to answer that question?

Arjun:  I like your saree. It’s like blue cotton candy. I feel like putting it in my mouth. Is that normal?

Jacqueline: Sigh.

HO HO HO!

Ok, ok, I’ll admit that that title was too easy.

Just like Rakh- alright, alright, no more cheap comedy.

Just like those fishnet stock- ok, ok I am really stopping now.

Rakhi Sawant, you glorious creature. And when I say creature, I mean elf, because look how cute you are all ready to help Santa stuff his toys in a bag.

Okay my brain is a gutter.

Just like where Rakhi Sawant found those awful sho- OMG I can’t stop WTF is wrong with me.

Sorry guys. I mma keep it classy now… unlike Rakh – *self thappad*

I’d imagine that if there ever were a strip club in the North Pole for Santa to go to when he and Mrs Claus are having domestic trouble, this would be the outfit they’d reject. That’s not to say I don’t admire the flower and butterfly motif she has going there, which either stands for the food chain/ circle of life, or is Rakhi’s way of communicating with the undead witches who brew her youth potion; she wants to tell them that she needs a refill before her nose melts away like MJ on a tanning bed.

Bebo main Bebo

Kareena Kapoor is yet another actress to fall prey to the deadly “Shaadi Syndrome”; a disease that, if left unchecked, consumes an actress’ career whole, like an Anaconda.

Now that she has realised how much free time she has in her hands as Mrs Nawab/ Magnum Fellatio Girl, she has decided to pay attention to her wardrobe. Like this outfit, despite being rather odd, works in a contemporary Jitendra-tribute kind of way.

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It looks like a wraparound jumpsuit, which is a very risky outfit to wear if you ask me – one tug at the right string and it will all unravel in a very Draupadi-esque manner, except Kareena is married to a Muslim so I don’t know if Krishna will listen to her #GharWapsi

She may trip and fall because those pants are too billowy, and I wouldn’t eat any Indian food if I were her unless I am carrying a packet of Vanish Shakti 02 trust pink forget stains, but with the necklace and pale pink lipstick the whole look kind of strokes my chin in a warm, fuzzy, Meryl Streep way. Me likey.

P.S. My Anaconda don’t… my anaconda don’t… my anaconda don’t want none if something buns hon.