Bollywood at LFW – An Overview (And some Underviews as well.)

Were you thinking that we’d lost sight of our real targets? Oh no, dear readers. As long as Fire Your Stylist exists, Bollywood can never hide. Even though Nargis Fakhri tried it, a little bit.

SEE:

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Nargis clearly didn’t go home the previous night and had to pick out something from her, ahem, companion’s cupboard. Now that’s a first; we bet no one has done the walk of shame at Fashion Week before. (We know you’re thinking of Carol Gracias. DO NOT think of Carol Gracias, you insensitive twerps. It was an accident. Like this next outfit.)

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Is it me, or does it look like someone stuffed Kalki Koechlin inside this outfit and then thrust her in front of the cameras? Her hands are totally bound, you guys! CALL THE POLICE!

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I don’t know who the guy at the right is, but Meiyang Chang looks like he is seriously channelling some Tyrion Lannister – big head, short legs, nice hair et al. In fact, together these two look like the Indian Merry and Pippin, from Lord of the (Engagement) Ring 4, where the ring is stolen from Mordor by Salman Khan and the only way to get it back is by dancing to Saajan Ji Ghar Aaye.

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Queenie Dhody and I have the same values… I also surround myself with ugly people so that I look pretty in comparison (you should see Ayesha when she comes back from Theatre rehearsals) but there’s one fundamental difference – I dress my age. It’s time, Queenie, to stop trying to be a 50-year-old trying to be a 25-year-old getting dresses hand-stitched from catalogs found at tailors in Matunga.

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I don’t have a full-length photo of Esha Gupta here (that IS Esha Gupta, yes? Not Pooja Gupta or Swarup Sampat or whoever this new crop of actress are who all look like each other… for God’s sake even Minions can be told apart. Get face tattoos or something. Preferably with your names on it.) but it doesn’t matter, because she wanted us to pay attention to her upper half. Why else will she wear ALL her necklaces in one go?

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Look, it’s VJ Anusha, fresh from her Purity Club meeting telling us all to stay second-base virgins by wearing a dress that looks like a boob-chastity belt (complete with star shaped nipple pasties.) (As @highheelswaali insists, she looks like a tame version of Xena Warrior Princess.)

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That blouse looks like it’s growing seaweed.

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Never thought I’d say this, but well done Gauhar Khan. Great fit, great print, super lipstick, superlike.

 

 

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Fashion Week Days 4 and 5 – Sone ki Chidiya

Since both Vikram Phadnis and Sabyasachi Mukherjee decided to do what one of my dear colleagues called “Sindhi Bukake”, I decided to lump them together and see how they fared.

But before I begin, let us all collectively agree that this look below – Sabyasachi’s interpretation of a Royal family’s day look – is simply fabulous. I can totally imagine Ayesha and I walking down the streets of Bombay dressed like this, rescuing kittens and beating up eve-teasers and suchlike. I mean look at these ladies…  if they’d dressed Catelyn Stark like this, what happened at the end of Season 3 would’ve never happened.

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And now, we shall indulge in an epic exercise of gold v/s gold. It’s exactly like Spy v/s Spy… only shinier.

 

The first one is clearly made of scrap metal leftover from constructing C3PO, the second one is what happens to you when you use Shahnaz Hussain’s Gold Facial too much and it starts crusting over to become your skin.

Karishma Kapoor looks like she is wearing the most expensive raincoat ever, and these other guys look… well they actually look kinda okay. Like if I ever entered Palace on Wheels, I’d expect them to be on hand to greet me.

SPECIAL MENTION:

Even though Vikram Phadnis has taken the whole gold thing too literally, this is the one item in his collection I wouldn’t mind owning…

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… you know. If I were Taylor Swift.

Lakme Fashion Week – Day 3, Part 1

It’s our friendly, neighbourhood Paro, looking deeply uncomfortable walking the ramp.

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In fact, when she marched on stage all pouty and suchlike, I couldn’t even recognize her. Ended up telling a whole row full of people that she was Ileana D’Cruz (Though that could’ve been because I have broken my latest pair of glasses. You should’ve been there when I thought Shenaz Treasurywala was someone’s abandoned child. Was very awkward.) Reminded me of a time in my childhood where I told everyone I was travelling with that the Canada Dry they were drinking was actually beer. Fun times!

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While both designer and muse look great, their clothes are so busy, they’re working overtime, have no social life, and will die of a stress-induced heart attack at age 35. The closer I get to them, the more I hate the embellishments. I heard someone at the show describing PKP’s collection as very “Sindhi Socialite”. I can’t help but agree.

Here are a few more outfits from the collection. What do YOU guys think? Tell in Comments section. That’s what it’s there for. SHEESH.

 

 

Fire Your Fashion Week – Day 3

I’d give my right arm, one kidney, one firstborn, a toe, my entire Harry Potter collection, Ayesha, my roommate’s poodle, a stethoscope I stole to eavesdrop on my neighbours’ conversations, and a stuffed pigeon for this dress by Rocky S.

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So Rocky S, if you’re reading this, I’ve composed a poem for you that I’m hoping would convince you to give it to me: O ROCKY YOU’RE SO FINE, YOU’RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND HEY ROCKY!

Is it working?

Fire Your Fashion Week – Day 2 Part 2

I had the pleasure of watching Anita Dongre’s show for myself, and let me tell you, watching Sona Mohapatra belt it out as skinny chicks walk up and down in bridal clothing that is made of cloth and my wet dreams is the most fun you can have as a broke celeb blogger. Anita Dongre’s  Jaipur Bride collection is STUNNING and if you’re a rich chick marrying a rich bloke anytime soon, then I’d look no further. Inspired by Rajasthan, it uses a combination of neon colours and what could be geometric minakari work to create a unique bridalwear collection, something that will stand out in the crowd.

Here’s a taste:

Anita Dongre's Jaipur Bride

Anita Dongre’s Jaipur Bride

Now, let’s move on to what the celebs were wearing at the show:

Love what the boys a doing, with their peekaboo neons and sheer shirts. Like Gul Panag’s saree very much, even though the halter-esque blouse takes away from the gold border. Sangeeta Bijlani lookshaughty enough to matter, but Anita Dongre, what is this? Are you secretly my mom? You’ve just created a stellar collection, use some of that magic on yourself.

Urmila Matondkar

And then there was this… For an actress who has accomplished so much, Urmila seems to WANT to fade into obscurity. Either that, or we Maharashtrians just can’t help picking out clothes that are completely wrong for our body types. Either way, what is this dress made of brocade curtains and designed to make her tatas have a definite southward edge? And those shoes? My god. I never thought I’d live to see the day that they’d make wedge heels from aluminium foil.

Fire Your Fashion Week – Day 2 Part 1

The GenX of designers always do wonky stuff, presumably to stand out in the crowd, despite the Manish Malhotra’s and the Anita Dongres of the world churning out one gorgeous wearable design after another.

THIS is what our up-and-comers came up with this season. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Be Shahid Afraidi.

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Aimaan and Armaan

 

This is OBVIOUSLY what Princess Leia will wear after she gets an MBA at NMIMS and is shortlisted for an interview with Morgan Stanley.

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Aditi Holani

Okay first of all, HAHAH HOLANI. Okay, got the juvenile out of the way so that I can do some serious critiquing. I’m told this collection is called the Wabi-Sabi collected, and as you can see it is trying very hard to be geisha-fabulous, but all I see is those strings getting stuck in all sorts of things like revolving doors and my boyfriend’s watch and and my own teeth and suchlike.

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Pronoy Kapoor

 

Okay, I like the organza and the sheath dress et al, BUT WHAT DO I DO WHEN I HAVE TO CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Fire Your Fashion Week – Day 1

We love Fashion Week at Fire Your Stylist. It’s always fun to check out clothing that ranges from you can’t afford this to you can only wear this on a tranny cruise in outer space on models you will never look like with bodies that make you weep in a corner while snorting maida.

So you know, Fashion Week, yay!

Anyhoo, for the sake of Mr. Fuck, we will be reviewing each outfit on two parameters:

Wearability – Ranked on a scale of MY EYES to 5

Aestheticism – Ranked on a scale of 1 to Won’t touch it with a bean pole, but won’t it look great in a glass case at Hard Rock?

Opening the Winter Festive 2013 on Thursday night was Bollywood’s darling, Manish Malhotra. Let’s dig into a few of the many outfits he had to offer, shall we?

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Malhotra’s collection was gorgeous in its simplicity, where he let his fabric choice and silhouettes speak for themselves. This dress is a prime example. The olive green is lovely against the model’s dusky skin, and the neckline offsets its otherwise demureness.

Wearability: 4, because I KNOW my mom would scoff at that neckline.

Aestheticism: 2, because not enough kook in it for it to become art.

Will look great on: Karisma Kapoor

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Gorgeous. Love the layers, love the dash of pink standing out among the browns. Hate the collar, but that’s a small complaint.

Wearability: 5… my cousin’s wedding is coming up. Would you like to gift it to me, Manish?

Aestheticism: 1. Too simple to be displayed, but still beautiful.

Will look great on: Deepika Padukone

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Ehhhh. What this is. A kurta on a pants, with a bared belly button. Now I know that cropped tops were in for a while, but cropped kameezes? Bit much, no? Unless he was designing this as an outfit for an Indian female superhero, which makes it a good fist draft.

Wearability: 2. Indian outfits show a lot of skin, yes, but this is a bit weird.

Aestheticism: 3. Can totally see Kangana Ranaut donning this to promote Krrishshshsh 3.

Will look great on: Kangana Ranaut

Charity begins at Fire Your Stylist

I am going to start this post with a Haiku… because why not?

B-list at a play

Looking for publicity

Fire Your Stylist wins

Let’s see what the “stars” had in store for us, shall we?

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Richa Chadda insisted on looking like a coconut – tapering off at the edges, chunky in the middle. While I think she has perfectly nice body, I don’t see the wisdom (see what I did there) in attracting attention to her hips like that. Nice shoes, though.

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Woh dekh, kya hai? Bedsheet hai kya? Na rey pagley, that’s a tribute to Lungi Dance (tribute pe tribute… Parag tribute) The best part of this outfit? The bag made out of cement, of course.

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Ali Fazal met a really fat surfer boy and took his clothes  in exchange for magic beans… no other explanation makes sense.

Happy Birthday Bollywood + Vinegar Vignettes

So Genelia D’Souza, Sri Devi AND Kajol turn a year older this month. As an expression of our eternal gratitude to them for giving us joy, sorrow, fodder and many, many happy memories (DDLJ, CHAALBAAZ, Making fun of Genelia’s name) we’re starting a new segment dedicated to Bollywood’s birthdays. Thanks to the awesome peeps at Vinegar, we’ve picked out what we’d give the stars as presents, sometimes to turn their wardrobe’s around and sometimes to conform to their style, if we already approve of it. Do you agree with our choices? Sound off in the comments below!

Genelia D’Souza: 5th August

 

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The pink is young and the bow is flirty, with which we hope to combat the “Got married so career over” cliche.

Kajol:  5th August

 

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Since Kajol has been all about the swagger lately, we’ve picked this Maxi dress for her. Hair in an updo and some espadrilles and she’ll be good to go anywhere!

Sri Devi: 13th August

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For her 50th birthday, we decided to give her something slightly edgy… it’s  campy but cool, and she looks like she could totally pull it off.

 

 

Dhoom 3 – First Look

Okay listen, I don’t understand this concept of a motion poster, because in my head a motion poster is what gives you loosies and I am filled with this irresistible urge to chuck some Lomotil at it. The new Dhoom 3 poster features Aamir Khan’s naked back against a bustling city skyline, most probably Gotham, wearing a jaunty little hat and some pants.

Given what we know about his height, I am guessing that his character is something along the lines of an evil shirtless Charlie-Chaplin, walking around and striking terror into the hearts of citizens by toppling over trash cans and using revolving doors to create elaborate low-speed chase sequences.

Meri pant bhi sexy meri hat bhi sexy.

Meri pant bhi sexy meri hat bhi sexy.

Needless to say, I’m quaking in my shoes right now.