Dust, dust na raha.

Sonam Kapoor’s fashion is like whacking a pinata blindfolded with a baseball bat… there are hits, there are misses, and sometimes you’ll end up with candy in your ear. This is very unlike her career though, which is no hits, only misses. Even in the relatively less-shitty stuff like Bhaag Milkha Bhaag, if you blink, you’ll misses her.

Now that I have poetically made my overall point about her fashion sense, let’s check out what she wore to the Stardust launch:

Sonam in Gucci.

Sonam in Gucci. Imran in Pinksipid. Yep. That’s a brand.

There’s too much screaming for my attention in the upper half – the hair, the lips, the chunky necklace, the lace detailing at the bust, the belt. Sonam is clearly not happy with how little screen time she got on Milkha, and is ensuring that it never happens again by keeping all eyes on her at the Stardust cover event.

Here’s a full-length:

Now with a little wardrobe malfunction.

Now with a little wardrobe malfunction.

MEH. MEHBOOB STUDIOS. MEH-SHUN IMPOSSIBLE. MEH-MYSELF-AUR-HUM.

Cover story

Ayushmann Khurrana1

This is Ayushmann Khurrana at the screening of Issaq. What is it with his stylist experimenting with women’s wear on him? I’m sure there is a plausible explanation for the fringed scarf but I can’t imagine why you’d want to cover a basic white tee. Unless. Unless it carries a hate message about the event you are attending – Issaq, you suck. (Thank you Shweta for pointing out the keen likeness the film’s title has to its essence.)

Now this is much better.

Ayushmann Khurrana Men's Health

See, a lot of good can happen with guys like Ayushmann losing their t-shirts. Six packs of good.

Two-Two Deepika

As much as I find it hilarious that SRK-Deepika-RohitShetty are going EVERYWHERE, from the bylanes of Dharavi to Notting Hill’s highest point i.e. the tip of Hugh Grant’s big head to promote Chennai Express, I will focus on Deepika’s outfits at these promotions, because we aren’t named Fire Your Overzealous Marketing Dude. So here goes:

SRK-Deepika-RohitShetty on  the first show I don't give a crap about.

SRK-Deepika-RohitShetty on the first show I don’t give a crap about.

Okay, in a nutshell, which also co-incidentally happens to be what Deepika’s outfit reminds me of, this is possibly the best saree with a twist I have ever seen. Intricate sheer lace detailing with a sweetheart neckline, offset by a monochrome saree that hugs her in all the right places… well done, Deepika’s stylist. We have a cupcake in our offices (behind the homeless guy’s cardboard box under Dadar bridge) with your name on it. The drop earrings and red lipstick are a nice, restrained touch and a splash of colour at the same time. And dammit, does this woman have to look so gorgeous in everything she wears? UNIVERSE, you unfair bitch.

SRK-Deepika at second show I don't give a crap about.

SRK-Deepika on a second show I don’t give a crap about.

Once again, love the anarkali, the pouffy hairdo, the earrings-only look, the red lipstick which she probably just left on for two days… I am not used to being this nice. Must be all that Fevi Kwik I am sniffing to hold my 300-rupis-on-the-internet glasses together. Quick guys! FIND A FLAW! MAKE THIS RIGHT!

Crashing the Raanjhanaa Success Party

Does Kangana Ranaut know…

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K Ran in Topshop.

That her holes have a dress around them?

Horseshitting around

Amyra Dastur and Prateik

This is ludicrous. Amyra Dastur and Prateik promoted their film Issaq while seated in a ghoda gadi. Issaq is an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet set in Banaras which is now officially Bollywood’s Switzerland. It’s about time we woke up to beauty of our own country but it’s also about time we stop claiming that a film has been inspired by Shakespeare’s epic love story because, hello, that’s like every other Hindi movie.

So I watched the trailer (that’s 2.23 minutes of my life I’ll never get back) and nowhere does it mention Prateik or Amyra’s characters being in the horse trade. They are not horse breeders, jockeys or even gambling aficionados. Then what are they doing promoting their film in a tanga? The horse is so over this shit. He’s put on blinders because he can’t bear to watch such crap.

Also animal cruelty.

Amyra Dastur and Prateik1

This Amrya girl actually looks quite nice in the film and here too, keeping her non-horse trade related small town girl character in mind, she’s worn a basic kurta. I don’t mind it, it’s whatever. Maybe she bought it with her discount card at the supermarket. Prateik, paying homage to his roadside Romeo character, is in a banyan and shirt. Prateik, shirts have buttons for a reason. Put them to good use, will you? With the branded umbrella they look like any other couple sneaking in a smooch at Bandstand. To which I ask where are the moral police when you need them?

Run-away success

It’s interesting how films, despite what the reviews might say or even the box office, throw success parties within a week of their release. It’s good to see such positive attitude. It’s like celebrating your kid’s birthday before you could even conceive one or buying everyone drinks because you passed the exam weeks before appearing for it.

Farhan Akhtar and Sonam Kapoor attended the aforementioned success party of Bhaag Milkha Bhaag.

Sonam Kapoor in a James Ferreira gown carrying a Bottega Veneta clutch

Sonam in a James Ferreira gown carrying a Bottega Veneta clutch

I love the Grecian silhouette. There’s something romantic and soft about it. However, it could also very easily go into bed sheet territory. Sonam’s look stays firmly in the fashion area. I’d have liked to see her in something more formfitting, though. She’s got the body for it. Her makeup is perfect as is her clutch. She smartly wore flats because she feared the party would be as long as the film and standing in heels for five hours is a tough ask. Aside: As I searched for the image I came across a newspaper article that chastised Sonam for not painting her nails. The mainstream media does have its priorities in place.

I do remember Farhan as being a rather decent dresser but now I think he’s losing the plot. The man is wearing his windcheater indoors and there’s a tree growing out of his crotch. Come on, Farhan. You can do so much better. Now take off your raincoat and tee to get back into our good books.

Just another party

It’s a dry day today. It’s a Friday and it’s a dry day. Thanks a lot Maharashtra government. Don’t you have potholes to fill and streets to keep clean? This has got nothing to do with the post but since it has ruined my weekend I thought I’d spread the joy.

So Sanjay Kapoor threw a bash for his Bollywood buddies and I swear I cannot find what the occasion was. Maybe he knew beforehand that today was a dry day and decided to party well in advance. Good on you.

Karisma Kapoor

You know my thoughts on jumpsuits but do you know how I feel about jumpsuits with torn sleeves? Not very favourably. What’s the point of them? You either have sleeves or you don’t. This one would have made a great jumpsuit if it had a halter neck. Her shoes are the best part with the bright blue base. Just that I did not know that we now match our eye shadow to the bottom of our shoes. Thanks for that, Karisma.

Adhuna Akhtar

I’m not sure how I feel about leather. I think I like it in small doses as a belt or watchstrap. But an entire dress might be pushing it. How sweet of Farhan Akhtar (more on him) to match his shoes to Adhuna’s dress. Or wait, is that dress made of rexine!?

Sohail Khan

That’s a misleading message Sohail Khan’s gotten on his tee. The man does not try. At all. Not in life, fashion or work. That might actually be a good thing. One less talentless brother to deal with.

Dino Morea

Dino Morea was on kebab serving duty.

Ship of Theseus screening

Ship of Theseus had a screening and most of the big names attended solely because Aamir Khan threatened to courier them a DVD of Mela otherwise.

Katrina Kaif

Katrina Kaif, who after the screening, celebrated her happy birthday, dressed like an upside down orange candy.

Ranbir Kapoor

I just hope her alleged boyfriend took off his fedora for the screening otherwise Rani Mukerji would have missed half the film. Of course I’m assuming that Rani sat behind the couple. Why? Just because I can. Also I know the usher.

Rani Mukerji

If the Ship of Theseus was missing a sail it was because Rani wore it as pants. 

Ayushmann Khurrana

Ayushmann Khurrana’s wearing a ladies size small jacket in a lovely pastel hue. Just thought I’d point that out.

Jackie Shroff

My mother wept when she saw this image of Jackie Shroff. She remembers him looking like this and not like a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor who, in himself, is a poor man’s Shakti Kapoor.

Imran Khan and Avantika Malik

Imran Khan brought his own X and O game in case the film got too intellectual for him. As an aside, why are they dressed so formally while the others have basically rolled out of bed?

Taking Cover Story Too Literally

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Guys, I don’t think Vidya Balan understands what we are saying, so perhaps she doesn’t understand English? So in order to help her, I’ve translated it into five languages:

Voy a dejar de vestirse como Jaya Bachchan. (Spanish)

Mee Jaya Bachchan saarkhe kapdey naahi ghaalnar. (Marathi)

Je vais arrêter de s’habiller comme Jaya Bachchan. (French)

سأتوقف خلع الملابس مثل جايا باتشان (Tamil… LOL J/K it’s Arabic)

Sun yaar, chill maar. (Bindass/ Haryana youth.)

You think she’ll get us now? I mean, I like it that the outfit is a nod to Sharmila Tagore from the days of yore, but Vidya for God’s sake. How old are you? 35? YOU ARE YOUNG, YAAR. Nargis Fakri is almost same to same age. Stop dressing like an aunty and let your voluptuous body out of this designer saree-shaped cage. DO IT FOR SACHIN.

 

Also I took the liberty of completing the cover lines just for some fun:

1. Sonam silences her critics… by using special edition Dior duct tape that her sister picked up for her in London.

2. Why Katrina has no time for love… because she is too busy getting lipo all the time.

 

ANNND THAT’S A WRAP.

 

 

 

Herogiri

Phata Poster Nikla Hero

Whoever accused Bollywood of lacking subtlety should check out the poster for Phata Poster Nikla Hero. It requires a special kind of talent to literally translate each word of the title into an image that you then approve for your poster. I would never have thought to have the lead actor lunge at the audience through a torn poster. Genius. Just pure genius.

Hero Hiralal

Hero Hiralal too is enamoured by it all.