Sonakshi Ke Do Rang

Screen Shot 2013-06-30 at 3.01.45 PMSonakshi: I bet you can’t tell.

Ranveer: I bet you can’t tell either.

Sonakshi: That I’m cleverly using this bouquet of flowers to hide a tear in my dress! I AM GENIUS.

Ranveer: That I am practicing my Superman stare and I am hoping that if I look at you hard enough, you’ll become a cloud of smoke!

Sonakshi: You’re mean.

Ranveer: You’re boring.

Sonakshi: You’re mixing prints!

Ranveer:  You’re dressing like an extra from Moulin Rouge!

Sonakshi: Your tee used to be my couch.

Ranveer: Your forehead used to be my cricket pitch.

Sonakshi: I hate you.

Ranveer: I’m banging Deepika.

Sonakshi: Banging mins?

Ranveer: Sigh.

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Tayyab Ali Fashion Ka Dushman Hai Hai

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Sonakshi: I bet you can’t tell it.

Imran: Can’t tell what?

Sonakshi: That I stitched this dress myself. I learned how to do that in the WAGS class of this awesome school for Bollywood kids that I went to called WYPLYWTBHA*. It was a special session too, called What-to-do-when-you-put-all-your-money-in-an-Akshay-Kumar-movie-and-it-bombs. They have now re-named it LOLSHIRISHKUNDER.

Imran: Aren’t these bands on my jeans cute? They make me look like I’m a puppet. I am in pieces, held together only by the black cellotape of misery. ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS A REAL BOY!

Sonakshi: You are a real boy. What you ought to want to be is a real MAN.

Imran: With *that* attitude, lady, you’ll never be married by 30. What will you blame your career’s end on then?

Sonakshi: Poor sartorial choices… Anyhoo. What do you think of my shoes? I bought them on Linking Road! Rs 250 only! Beaded by skinny hands of starving kids!

Imran: Sigh.

Random Man in Background: GIMME EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTTT!!!! GIMME EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTT!!! EVERYTHING TONIGHTTTT!!!

*(Where your parents leave you while they’re busy having affairs.)

Bling ring unsettling

I recently witnessed the miracle of a cat giving birth in my drawer (long story) and somehow this is an even bigger mess.

Neha Dhupia

Neha Dhupia, like all of us, does have her moments of clarity where she looks elegant and well styled. Neha, however, like the rest of us, also has moments of utter misjudgement. Like the time Anuya had seven shots of tequila and danced to Kajra Re in a very short skirt. At her cousin’s wedding. In Satara. But we don’t talk about that.

The jumpsuit, I believe, was originally designed by a sadist as an instrument of torture. S/he loved watching people squirm in their seats holding their pee in. Then s/he tripped people as they sprinted to the loo while trying to first locate and then undo the zipper and then peel the entire garment which, by the time, was too piddle too late. And just like the other instruments of torture – the corset and stiletto – the jumpsuit too was adopted as fashion.

But I digress. Neha wore this sequined nightmare to a jewellery awards jury meet. Like there was not enough bling already. The cut is obviously not flattering and why does she have chicken wing sleeves? Sequined chicken wing. I can’t take my eyes off her hips, it’s that fixating. WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?

With that a long overdue Neha Dhupia post comes to an end. I wish I had nicer things to say. Ha.

Hold on, there’s more. At the same shindig…

Yami Gautam

Yami Gautam wore a gown in a pretty pink. The entire look of it, though, feels like something you’d wear to Hetal ben’s sangeet just to be ‘mod’.

Mahima Chaudhry

Mahima Chaudhry is suffering from Vidyabalansari-itis.

Lootera Blues

I didn’t know it was fashionable to wear maternity clothes even if you weren’t preggars.

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Thank you Sonakshi, for opening my eyes. MAKE WAY FOR PONCHOS, EVERYONE.

Although if she *were* preggars, and these two were a couple, and we could pretend that they were the Kim-Kanye of Bollywood, then Ranveer’s suit would’ve made perfect sense because it is so reflective, they’d use it to project the baby’s sonograms on it for the papz to feast their eyes on. MOAR PUBLICITY! Also a book based on their lives would be called Singhs and Sensibility: The Paradox.

(This is what happens to my brain when a stylist thinks it’s cool to combine a blue buttoned tee with a brown suit made of shoe polish.)

Sweaty Sweetie

Shorts

Nawazuddin Siddiqui: Psst! Huma! Is it just me or does Person Who Looks a Lot Like Richa Chadda seem pale? You think she’s sick? Does that explain the sweat stains? Hehehe.

Huma Qureshi: Hahaha. Shhh! Stop laughing. Put on your serious face.

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Nawaz: Done. Ah! The perks of being a good actor.

Shorts2

Maybe Richa Chadda: No, Anurag. I must clear the air. I must tell Nawaz and Huma that I am not sick and that these are indeed sweat stains that I have not bothered to do anything about. You heard that, Huma? Heard it!?

Shorts3

Huma: Bachao! Man Who Plays Sardar Khan’s Eldest Son, save me.

Man Who Plays Sardar Khan’s Eldest Son: Take your unshapely tunic-encased hands off me, Woman Who Asks Faisal for Written Permission.

Nun Forrest. Nun.

They should call this movie Bhaag Sonam Bhaag, because she seems to be running from one movie promotional event to another. I like it how they dress in character at these shindigs, though when they do it for Ghanchakkar I feel like I’m recovering from drinking a lot of phenyl… I’m just glad no one we blog about has acted in Monsters Uni is all I am saying.

So this is what Sonam wore at Reality Show No 34: The Completely Original One about Dancing Which is Still Not As Good As So You Think You Can Dance.

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Now, apart from the nun-vibes (which could be because I hear her romance with one of KJo’s minions isn’t working out) I quite like what she’s thrown together here. It’s elegant, and makes her look far more mature than her 20-something years, but the lace combats the sobering effect and gives the whole thing a touch of sexy. And the make up is spot-on, as you will see in this picture:

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So well done, Sonam. It’s not your worst. It’s making me want to drink some cold coffee, stat, but I won’t hold that against you.

Tamannaahhahahha

Tamannaah

I was going to write-off Tamannaah (that was more confusing than spelling out ‘banana’) but then I realised that she starred in the cult hit Himmatwala and she’s at some Filmfare-related gig so she must be worth her salt. She looks nice enough. The dress fits her well and the colour is a bright, jump-up-and-dance-everything-is-right-with-the-world colour.

I think there’s something particularly kinky about an exposed zipper at the front of a dress that unzips all the way down. Not that I’m saying Tamannaah is do-able in any way. She, after all, tried to make the 80s look sexy and failed miserably.

Her shoes are obviously a stylist’s suggestion. Like, “let’s go completely fashionable and pair yellow with blue. Yay to us!”

Rang de, Basanti

Kiran Rao

I know I should be well-aware and hence immune to Kiran Rao’s ‘arty’ sense of style but it’s not like we have not seen her in something shapelier before. It’s great that she does not dress like a star wife (seeing as how that’s not her only claim to fame) in bandage dresses and over-embellished anarkalis. But why must the other extreme be this? A shapeless, colourless rag. It’s not like I’ll take her less seriously if she wore pink or a belt or something.

Running wild and naked

Farhan Akhtar

I get that Farhan Akhtar is a trendsetter but just for once he could have toed the current trend of actors dressing as their characters during promotional events. Now, if this was Rock On!! or even Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara I’d understand the jacket and fedora but he’s promoting Bhaag Milkha Bhaag. So why is he not shirtless and running in slow motion towards the finish line aka my arms? I ask you, Universe. Why?

Through the Looking-Glass

Now that it has been scientifically proven that spectacles on your Naina make you smart, I am Einstein.

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Of course that dress on Deepika Padukone looks great. It’s a nice, happy colour to wear in this drab weather. The belt is a fun way to break the monotony. The hair, though, from this angle, gives out an old Hollywood feel. Like she’s going to laugh only half-sarcastically at what the hero said while flicking ash from her extra-long cigarette. That’s what they did in old Hollywood, right?

We’ve seen those shoes before. Back then, when I was naive and did not know better, I wanted some colour added to them but now I am wiser and like them just as they are. Like Mark Darcy does Bridget Jones.

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This is obviously the light playing tricks but we can all take solace in the fact that Deepika might not age gracefully.