Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, Pehli Nazar.

Like Vimla, your friendly neighbourhood cat lady, Shendi, your cook, Ritu, your BFF, and Champak, your dog, I have also been waiting for the release of Yeh Jawaani Hain Deewani with bated breath. The songs are fantastic, Ranbir and Deepika are a delight, and I always wanted to know more about what really went down in the Eurotrip part of DDLJ, and who better than Karan Johar to tell us this story because he was THERE! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Even the bit where they give Deepika a pair of glasses and we’re all supposed to pretend that she’s a nerd. That’s exactly like Superman wearing a chasma to become Clark Kent. Everyone bought the latter, so I guess they’ll buy the former, and that’s the pop culture world I am leaving behind for my kids with Ranbir… hmmm I wonder whether he likes boxers or briefs.

(pause)

Okaaaay, moving on… what happened at the Premiere?

Well, for one, Deepika decided to ignore all our Cannes advice and break my heart.

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I sort of like it, and I sort of don’t at the same time. It’s cool that they’ve played with the hemline, but I am of the firm opinion that this much gold and white should be preserved for a South Indian wedding. Also honey, how HOT are you in there? You know that when they say 34 degrees, they don’t mean it like Bachelor of Arts, right? Here, have a mango milkshake.

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Well, at least Deepika was better than Kalki.

I imaging this was the result of Kalki’s mom sending her a baby outfit as a hint, and Kalki misinterpreting it and putting it on herself. Because what ELSE could explain this? Would you believe it that SHE, a grown-up woman with a promising career full of smart movies, would step out of her house in her pyjamas-with-matching-jacket? WHAT?

Oh put on a gown, Kalki.

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And here’s Mr. Kolhapuri Chappals. Or Mr. NoTime for Jeans-Alteration. Or Mr. Untuck Shirtjones. Or Mr. They Started Promoting Me Here After Ashiqui Became a Hit. 

You decide.

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And then there was Ranbir. With his casual yet dapper jeans and blazer plus stubble look. And he even remembered to wear proper shoes! Oh be still, my beating heart.

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The internet tells me that this is someone named Evelyn Sharma. My instinct tells me that there’s a very angry naked sofa walking around with a vendetta, somewhere.

 

 

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In the eyes of the beholder

Exhibit A that celebrities love getting free shit.

Jacqueline Fernandez

While Jacqueline Fernandez’s outfit as a whole looks quirky and I’m loving the colour, what baffles me is why must she have Shiva’s third eye which actually looks like Nemo’s eye, as a print?

She’s also wearing an interesting pendant in an Arabic font. Is that a coded message for her former Bahraini Sheikh boyfriend now that she’s broken up with Bollywood royalty Sajid Khan?

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So Fire Your Stylist has been nominated for Best Celeb Blog on the Cosmo Blog Awards! And we’re up against heavyweights like Miss Malini and High Heel Confidential. So if you believe in underdogs because you’ve watched one sports movie too many (and by that I mean Chak De India 44 times) then vote for us! In exchange, we promise not to leave any stone unturned in making more fun of Neha Dhupia… where is she anyway? Haven’t heard from her in a bit. Miss her in a strange way… *sob*

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It’s all about loving the Birthday Boy

Karan Johar (actually it was Aarti Shetty, filmmaker Manmohan Shetty’s daughter) held Bollywood’s annual peace conference also known as his birthday bash. You know that everyone showed up but sadly all the images are of them in their cars trying to block out the paparazzi. Now, I could comment on their Audis, Mercs and BMWs but I don’t think that would do justice to those who come here for fashion. So this is the best I could conjure.

Note to self: At Anuya’s birthday next month take photos of friends alighting from rickshaws, buses and their 12cc Scooty Peps.

Karan JoharHere’s the birthday boy looking spiffy in a leather jacket – in the summer heat – stifling a fart.

Manish Malhotra, Kajol, Karisma Kapur, Karan Johar

Manish Malhotra tweeted this photo of himself, Kajol, Karisma Kapoor and Karan. Karisma’s totally pulling off the disco ball outfit. But is that an aquarium Kajol has on for a jacket? The fish are actually swimming towards her neck like they’d like to give her face a pedicure.

Parineeti Chopra

Parineeti Chopra not only chose to wear a bandage dress, a trend that’s long wrapped up, but also chose one that has horizontal stripes adorning the widest part of anyone’s anatomy.

Sussanne Roshan

Sussanne Roshan in an LBD. Whatever. Sussanne Roshan carrying a pillow for the sleepover? Now we are talking.

Saqib Saleem and Huma Qureshi

Huma Qureshi brought brother Saqib Saleem to commemorate the momentous occasion of her not looking frumpy. While the neon skirt is cool she could have paired it with another top and a whole other pair of shoes.

UPDATE: Huma’s actually wearing a dress and not a skirt with a top. I stand corrected. However, I still don’t like the top half of it.

Ranveer Singh

Ranveer ‘I don’t care enough’ Singh high-fiving the press.

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It’s heartening to see that celebrities also dress like us the morning after in shorts and chappals.

What are you holding in your hand, Saif?

As it turns out, Kunal Khemu’s birthday is around the same time as the release of his Second Life  latest caper, Go Goa Gone! Since the movie left us in splits and he’s responsible for at least part of the dialogue, we will forgive him for the obviousness of this co-incidence and move on to what everybody brought to the proverbial table at his birthday party.

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Saifeena obviously brought themselves, because A-listers don’t need to buy presents. It is written, aye, in the Secret Book of A-Lister Rules (In Bookstores in 2014, written by Tushar Kapoor, published by Balaji Publishing.)  Kareena has embraced the Go Goa Gone-ness of it all with elan – that Russian-moll-on-Morjim look suits her, even though I don’t understand the need for sunglasses in the dark. HEY CELEBS, WE STILL KNOW IT’S YOU, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE WEARING SUNGLASSES IN THE DARK. STOP BEING SO BLOODY CLARK KENT ABOUT IT!

I am not sure that she should be dressing like that to a party, though, unless Khemu punked her and told her it was a beach-themed party while everyone else showed up in their evening duds. Now THAT would definitely make him slide lower in my list of Bollywood Men I Don’t Have Much of an Opinion On. Hit me when you get bored of Soha, Kunal!

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And there he is! The birthday boy himself. He forgot to tell Soha Ali Khan that when he said, “look good enough to eat” he didn’t mean “wrap yourself in aluminium foil”.

It’s okay bro, hota hai.

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And here’s Dia Mirza, showing everyone how it should be done. The colours of the dress play off her skin tones and the summery make up and jewellery give off an unmistakeable “fresh” vibe. Now if only her clothing sense translated into her choice of movies, or her acting abilities, or any other aspect of her life, honestly. Like, stop hanging out with Zayed Khan bro, the only thing he did right in life was get a haircut in Main Hoon Na.

Cannes ki Kahaani – Round four

I am absolutely convinced that Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and Mallika Sherawat’s stylists are just messing with us. The two are probably seated in their suite at Cannes right now, soaked in cocktails and cackling about how they’ve kept the rest of us guessing when it comes to their client’s looks.

My appeal to them: It might be hilarious to you but for the sanity and sanctity of all that’s fashion and films, please stop. It’s too much for my muddled brain to process. I mean just a few days ago Aishwarya was living it up on the red carpet and now you have her in a hairstyle harking back to her Miss World days.

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Sunehri rehti hain Andheri main magar sapne dekhti hain Cannes ke.

Aishwarya attended amfAR’s Cinema Against AIDS event where ‘The Ultimate Gold Collection Fashion Show’ was the highlight. When the invite mentions the word ‘gold’ it does not mean that you have to take it this literally. Everything is a shade of gold. And it’s not even a pretty shade like dull gold or rose gold but gold gold. Aishwarya go back to the Elie Saab. It’s your calling in life.

ANUYA’S THOUGHTS:

That’s not a saree. That’s the net King Triton uses to catch criminal mermen. That’s the Mithril armour Frodo found in the Mines of Moria. That’s, well, that’s, a LOT of fucking gold, is what that is. You can melt that down to make all the armour for Lord Tywin’s army…. and with that, my Game of Thrones referencing for the week is done.

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I’m being totally Punk’d here, aren’t I? Is that Mallika trying to pass off as a Disney princess? Since when do Disney princesses show their bra straps? Or wear lower back support belts the colour of their gowns?

This has been a very bad day for me. I’m going to go dunk my head in a bucket of ice water.

Cannes ki Kahaani – Teesra Bhagh

It’s great to see Indian cinema, especially Bollywood, being celebrated on an international platform as prestigious as the Cannes Film Festival. Shortcut Romeo starring Ameesha Patel and Puja Gupta as well as three-named Neil Nitin Mukesh was brought to the festival. Of course, this image is taken at the screening of another film because I suspect Shortcut Romeo was screened in a dark alley above a tattoo shop.

Ameesha Patel and Puja Gupta

I don’t have anything to say about Puja Gupta because I don’t know much about her or even who she really is except that the look could have done with some colour. The good part, however, is that it’s a shade brighter than Ameesha’s face. Is Ameesha the missing branch of the Cullen Clan’s bat-infested family tree? A long-lost sister of matriarch Esme?

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This one’s slightly better. She’s a human hue and the Manish Malhotra ensemble is not making me want to eat glass. Which is always a good sign.

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Sherlyn Chopra is walking the red carpet for yet another event at the festival. I’m getting slutty-dulhan vibes. It’s quite smart actually. She’s swathed in a flowy white ghagra that covers a lot of ground (like the other famous ghagra that’s been to Baghdad se leke Delhi via Agra). She’s got full sleeves and even a dupatta on her… somewhere. However, on display is an entire row of mid-riff and generous cleavage. I forget the point I was trying to make but yeah, that’s Savita Bhabhi on her wedding night.

Cannes ki Kahaani – Baal Se Baal Milao

I love Aishwarya Rai… lol j/k, I am not a middle-aged bank clerk. I think she’s superflous, like her second chin and her stylist’s eyesight, which took in her latest look and didn’t send alarm signals to the brain that roughly translated to, “Hey. This is a wee ridic, non?”

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I have nothing against the dress. On someone else more athletic, like Deepika Padukone, it might even have looked good, except is it possible to think that the geometric bits are a bit too geometric? Like they’re making me want to open my 6th standard text book and start re-visiting all those Pythagoras Theorem problems that I wrote the answers to on my arm. If only I were Aishwarya Rai, then I’d have been able to hide the chits in my hairstyle, which is fondly referred to as “What Jews do when they can’t find their skullcaps.”

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From the pink lipstick to that bit of sideboob spilling over like boiled milk to the fact that her bracelet or whatever makes it look like her arm is bionic and would slide apart to expose circuit boards any moment so that she can access her light saber assassinate Vidya Balan, it is all very, very baffling and is making me wonder if Cannes is a no-mirror land because everyone who lives there is secretly Dracula.

Cannes-sylvania, anyone?

 

Cannes ki kahaani – ARB edition

I do realise that ARB does not have the same punch as AB but I forgot to take my shot and am not feeling terribly creative.

So I was super kicked that Aishwarya Rai Bachchan got everyone to stop yapping with her recent looks at Cannes. But my own words have come back to slap some sense into me.

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I have nothing against Sabyasachi. I just want him to take a bit of a break. It hurts my soul to see another heavily draped and embroidered, bindi-dotted actor. Aishwarya is wearing his lehenga-sari (what the hell is that now!?) to the screening of Bombay Talkies. She did so well in her Elie Saab that she seems to have morphed into her mother-in-law here. And what on earth is that ornamental door chain doing perched on her head? Also people have to stop namaste-ing the press. It does not make you any more Indian. Do you see Emma Watson sticking out her palm for a handshake? Or Diane Kruger throwing her right arm in the air?

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In a complete departure from her usual giggly self, Aishwarya is going for badass here. This, after Dhoom 2. I buy the look in bits. Like the lacy bits and the red lips. But I keep hoping she pulls out a pocket watch from the vest. What other purpose is it serving? And what’s up with her bad choice of headgear?

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Abu Jani-Sandeep Khosla should fire Aishwarya. I don’t think it’s their fault. She just does not wear them well. Tabu looked great in their creation at the Golden Globes. The details on this anarkali are stunning but Aishwarya is not.