Happy birthday to Indian cinema

Cinema has done a Sachin Tendulkar and this year celebrates 100 years of being in the business of selling the most expensive tub of popcorn. Which of course means that Bollywood (since there is no other kind of cinema) is going all out.

At the Lakme Fashion Week, designer of chiffon saris and flashy lehengas, Manish Malhotra showcased a collection commemorating 100 years of cinema. Ergo ALL of Bollywood and their alter egos showed up.

Anuya and I too squeezed into the standing-room-only venue where I watched most of the show through a guy’s iPhone. But it was absolutely worth it. For all the ranting and whining we do around here it was nice to hear veterans and young guns talk about their passion for the movies.

Bombay Talkies directors

Karan Johar, Dibakar Banerjee, Zoya Akhtar and Anurag Kashyap give us the ‘direct’ stare

Manish divided the show into eras starting with black and white then moving on to the 60s and 70s and finally to the 90s and 2000s. Bombay Talkies directors Karan Johar, Anurag Kashyap, Dibakar Banerjee and Zoya Akhtar opened the show dressed in black and white. Anurag looked quite badass in his fitted bandhgala.

Manish Malhotra Bobby

Dimple Kapadia would have been proud

Then, just as the iPhone Guy’s hand began to tire, out came models in plunging polka dotted Bobby-esque tops and palazzo pants. With flowers tucked in their hair they wore clingy saris and large shades too.

Siddharth Malhotra

Siddharth Malhotra is also wondering what all the fuss is about

Manish did a great job of representing the 90s and the 200os in flowing kurtas and jackets. A squeal of a thousand women filled the claustrophobic venue as Varun Dhawan and Siddharth Malhotra strutted down the ramp in light jackets. A woman almost dug her talons into my shoulder in ecstasy.

Kajol and Karisma Kapoor

Kajol and Karisma Kapoor show how the pros do it

Though Kajol was not a part of the show, she walked the ramp for the shutterbugs at the end. In a simple sari with a peek-a-boo blouse, she nailed the look with her poise and elegance.

I, on the other, went into hyperventilation mode and even rode the elevator twice just to breathe the same air as Dibakar.

Only VMAI – Part Deux

Aarti Chabria

Over the shoulder, rib cage holder

I should know the answer to ‘How do they crotch-protect themselves in such short dresses?’ but that is a question best answered on Judgement Day. Like ‘How do I protect my vansh, God? Also how did Aarti Chhabria cover her hoo-haa that one time at the MTV VMAsI?’

Aarti sucked in some and pushed out others to get into this pre-Holi outfit with shoes that match the colour of the outcome of good bowel movements. But what is warming my heart is that she took one for fashion and wore her rib cage as a belt.

Aarti Chabria1

Here’s a frontal view. She just looks a little pale. Should we call Dr Doogie Howser?

Jackky Bhagnani

Jackky fishing for lost change

Jackky Bhagnani should be the chief guest at all music events. He should even have a music event dedicated to himself. Because anyone who makes papa throw away Rs 5 crore on the rights of a song that has portly men massaging them deserves that distinction. Also, I care not for his casually untucked shirt.

Suchitra Pillai

India has a new Batgirl… Batbai

Truth be told. If Suchitra Pillai-Malik would have just stopped at the thigh it might not have made me weep tears of blood. But the universe conspired and added bat wings to the bottom of her dress. I blame the universe… or just her stylist.

Imran Khan and Vir Das

I covet his shoes more than anything else Imran has to offer

This looks like a tourist photo from a trip to Madame Tussauds. Which one is the wax figure is up for debate. Vir Das is a funny guy and that transcends to his dress sense too.

Zarine Khan

The generous dose of highlighter on her chest is outshining the dress

So Zarine Khan is not exactly the Next Big Thing in Bollywood but if she dresses like this I won’t mind seeing more of her. Actually, she should wear this sequined number everywhere and with those shoes. It’s a funky combination of dress and accessory and one not many wear.

Only VMAI

Hey guys! It’s the MTV VMAS! You know, those awards about music videos, because India has such a thriving pop music industry, and MTV is so passionate about music, still, and the Loch Ness Monster is real, and you can get down at Kurla station to get to Middle Earth… I think I have made my point, here.

What I can’t make however, is a point about why Anushka Sharma decided that THIS was the best look for her.

Suddenly that scene where she has sex with Ranveer Singh in Band Baaja Baaraat is all wrong because pedophilia shouldn’t be depicted in such a graphic way in a Yashraj Movie because Pammi aunty will see and what she and the neighbours will think and HOLY SHIT THAT’S A GROWN UP ARYA STARK BECAUSE THAT *DOES* LOOK LIKE A HAIRCUT GIVEN BY A RANDOM BLACK BROTHER ON HIS WAY TO THE WALL WITH RAPERS AND MURDERERS AND THAT TOP LOOKS LIKE SHE MADE IT FROM A DEAD HEDGE KNIGHT’S MAIL.

And my GoT reference for the day is, officially, done.

Unfortunately, Sofia Hayat urges me to go on with this post.

For those who don’t know who Sofia Hayat is, she is India’s answer to Donatella Versace, because cheekbones so steep you can ski on them can only be the work of some plastic surgeon with a shop in London’s back alleys. I say London, because Wikipedia describes her as British and back alleys because Urban Dictionary describes her as a Honey Singh song.

“Do my boobs make me look fat?”

I like how she’s wearing a cross in her ear as if the Lord is not going to see what she’s wearing and rain fire and brimstone down on her.

I can see her titties… or can’t I? It’s a great optical illusion. Coming Soon – SOFIA HAYAT – CRISS ANGEL. (Because I have used her name to substitute for Mind Freak. Because, come on.)

I also like how there’s a hip hop artist’s skull around her waist, as if waiting for the fire and brimstone to rain on him and do nothing because he’s a skull and a rap artist and DEY LOVE DAT MOTHAFUCKIN FIRE! IT NO HURT DEM NO MOAH BECAUSE IT GOTS SOME MOTHAFUCKIN BLING Y’ALL…

I think that outfit has unhinged me.

At least SOMEONE listens to us.

Thank you Amrita Rao for paying heed to our strong words from a few days ago and cleaning up your act.

In a Mango Boucle jacket.

This is such a welcome change from the previous “Bylanes of Byculla” look, that I might even forgive how slouchy that coral top is and give her  a feathered headdress as a prize.

Although, guys, isn’t it ironic that someone as skinny as her was cast in a movie called Jolly L-POUND?

I’ll give you a minute to get that one.

Bips Luv Urself

The title is her Twitter handle, and the only reason I’ve put it there is because I need SOMETHING to make fun of… because homegirl has got it right like Sachin Tendulkar’s batting hand. That’s a great outfit – she knows it, you know it, we know it.

Booyeah!

The print is adventurous without being OTT, the make up is spot on – especially the lipstick, the lazy waves work well, the length is perfect and the heels might be safe, but they somehow pull the outfit together.

This is not good for the universe, because now it will have to create an Indian movie version of Game of Thrones, starring Salman Khan as Hodor: Who cares if Winter is Coming when I can be shirtless?

(Psst: I am a huge GoT fan. Expect a million more references here, especially since the new season comes out in a few days. YOU ARE FOREWARNED. WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE. YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW. IT IS KNOWN.)

 

 

 

Jolly Good Show

It’s ironic that Amrita Rao is posing inside a witness stand, because that outfit is definitely a crime.

She’s a spunky young thing with a great, albeit a shade too skinny for my taste, figure, and if I were her, I wouldn’t hide it behind layers and layers of what looks like Shahnaz Hussain’s discarded skin. To quote Maya Sarabhai, that outfit, that hairdo, and those earrings (oh, those earrings) they’re all terribly… middle class. And this is sort of her comeback movie with a GREAT trailer, so Amrita Rao, DAFUQ BRO. Fire your Stylist. And hair and make up artist. And acting coach. And dietician. And doodhwala. And baniya. And.. sorry got a bit carried away there.

Hi, Neha Dhupia!

Long time no see, girlfriend. I know you busy attending shiznit so I’ll keep this brief: Great shoes, great hair, great accessories, but which hospital bed did you steal your dress from and what does Aa Ante Amalsjkjohuram mean?

Love,

Anuya.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Almost Famous

 

AMRITA PURI: Okay, don’t look, but there’s a medieval Bull’s Eye stitched onto the side of your dress.

SHIBANI DANDEKAR: Okay, don’t look. Oh you can’t, because you’re blinded by your own clutch.

AMRITA: At least I have no need to be afraid of Robin Hood.

SHIBANI: At least I am, at least I have, oh screw it, I am the least talented Dandekar. Let’s go get a drink. I’ll lie down and you can use my dress as a coaster.

AMRITA: You said it, sister.

Printsipal Factors

Hi guys! We’re back! Not that we were gone anywhere, because doing that involves spending money, and spending money involves having money, and have we mentioned that we’re writers? So, moving on, we’re sorry we were lazy. I’d like to promise that it will never happen again, but HAHA, WHAT.

Here’s our first victim of many months, Jacqueline Fernandez, looking like she put on some glue and rolled around in wallpaper samples from Jane Eyre’s times.

Jacqueline in Sabyasachi. Sabyasachi in tears.

Now, I don’t blame her for getting the saree wrong, she is from Sri Lanka after all, and this is what Sri Lanka thinks qualifies as Best National Costume. (Don’t hate me for this, Sri Lankans. I have been to your country and it took my breath away. But come, on. That’s what Draco Malfoy beats off to and you know it.)

Whatsaaanp?

Now, I am all for print on print, but that saree is print on print on print on printception. It’s Printston University. It’s The Outfit Formerly Known as Prints. It’s the Printsly States. By the time you try to figure out where you want to look, the fact that she seems to have won an award for “achieving” something is completely missed by you.

Catches win matches. Blowjobs win awards.

I didn’t know dating Sajid Khan was an achievement. I mean, you should see some of my exes. WHERE ARE MY AWARDS, TEACHER’S? Life is so unfair. Excuse me while I go hug my new pink 11″, 128 GB Macbook Air to sleep in my fully A/C apartment located in a convenient part of Mumbai.