Happy late Halloween, Neha Dhupia.

GUYS! This outfit is genius. Genius! You get it, right? This is Neha Dhupia, dressed as HoboMan, the dude who can make a dress out of a gunny sack and a 12-year-old’s tights!

GENIUS.

All Belted In

You thought Sheetal Mafatlal was only famous for being famous, didn’t you? Well HAH, because she has ushered in a new era of feminism, and all you’ve done is ranted on Twitter about men who stare at your legs… okay, that could’ve possibly been me, but I am humbled by Miss Mafatlal. HUMBLED.

Because look, she has managed to free us all from the shackles of a wearing that god-awful  medieval torture equipment sometimes fondly referred to as  “a bra”.

Clearly, you can simply step out with a ginormous belt under your twinsies that holds them up in ways an underwire could only imagine. If it were alive. And had an imagination. And then, just for a nice touch, you transfer the medieval torture equipment to your feet. (I mean. Her shoes have spikes. They have spikes!)

So well done Sheetal Mafatlal! Striking a blow for your sistas the world over. BOO YEAH. Next item on the list: Recycl-able paper chaddies.

What went wrong?

Bipasha Basu looking sullen at Shilpa Shetty’s Diwali bash

I remember the time when Bipasha Basu was considered one of Bollywood’s hottest women. She was dusky, hot and did not give a rat’s ass. Then she hit breakup central and things just went downhill. I did not want to be the one to say it but you were thinking it too. While a breakup should not mess you over and all that feminist self-help jazz, Bipasha took it really bad.

I’m not one to judge (ha!) so let’s talk about her look. The sari is ok. At least it’s a proper sari with all its elements intact, unlike Katrina Kaif’s. I’m a huge advocate of chappals – the flatter the better – but under a sari, a little heel goes a long way.

But it’s not her outfit so much as what’s going on in and around her face that’s disturbing. The fringe just does not work. It gives her an evil edge but not in a good way. And there’s something going on with her lips. Either that’s the wrong lipstick colour for her skin tone or she forgot to blot on a tissue. Or maybe it’s just that she does not look happy.

Here, Bipasha, sending some love your way. Hold on! Did we not hear rumours about her dating Josh Hartnett and Cristiano Ronaldo? What am I going on about? Of course she’s going to kill it – she’s dusky, hot and does not give a rat’s ass.

Maar dala

So Anuya and I watched Jab Tak Hai Jaan (JTHJ) as homage to one of Bollywood’s greatest filmmakers but mostly because we needed an excuse to escape two hours of Laxmi Pooja. But after we stumbled out of, what felt like a five hour long film, we’d sit through many poojas and smoky havans.

While JTHJ had the makings of an epic romance, we were left cringing and at other times rolling our eyes at the stupidity and leaps of logic the film was throwing at us. I’ll take Anushka Sharma in short-shorts and a tank top at an army base in Kashmir but I draw the line at passing off an otherwise 47-year-old Shah Rukh Khan as a fresh off the boat 25-year-old.

But, like always, nobody ever listens to us and all of Bollywood turned out for the film’s premiere. Fashion-wise they fared only marginally better than the film’s storyline.

SRK has and will always be a ladies’ man and who can stop him when he looks so dapper in a bow tie? (Aside: How hot does he look as a brooding army officer in the film!?) Anushka looks great and for her sake I hope that’s a dress and not a pair of pants with very, very flared bottoms. If I did not know better I’d think that was Katrina Kaif’s wax statue that stopped by on its way to Madame Tussauds. In fact I think it’s her statue. Notice how it’s emoting. I’m not sure if that’s a sari or some sort of skirt with a lace overlay. If it’s the former then it’s safe to say that we no longer wear petticoats under our saris, ladies.

Akshay Kumar is not wearing socks and Twinkle Khanna is wearing her mother’s hair. Moving on…

See, this is what marriage does to you – you start dressing like each other. Kiran Rao seems to have adopted Aamir Khan’s polished, streamlined style in this basic but elegant LBD. Aamir, though, is wearing Kiran’s jogging pants.

Bipasha Basu as Sonam Kapoor’s style inspiration? I did not see this one coming.

It’s like Parineeti Chopra’s dress is slowly eating its way up. I wonder what she looked like at the end of the premiere. Morticia Addams would have been proud. I do like her red clutch, though.

I think I can officially start a pregnancy rumour. Yes?

Amisha Patel, I get it that you have boobs, lustrous locks and no acting talent. Must you flaunt all three in my unimpressed face?