Yes, we Cankles

Looks like someone has been hitting the emergency Snicker bars drawer. Hard.

Maybe she thinks that Midnight’s Children is actually called Midnight’s Cravings and deems it her duty to get to the bottom of that tub of icecream, you know, for the sake of ART.

Maybe, her stylist thinks that drawing attention to your client’s most unflattering feature is the trend du jour. (Much like she seems to believe that matching your lipstick with your shoes is.)

Maybe Shahana ate her stylist.

It could happen.

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Big B’s birthday bash

After I crawled out from under the rock I was living… under, I realised that Amitabh Bachchan had turned the big 7-oh. And of course he threw a bash befitting his iconic status. Take that Karan Johar.

Let’s see what everyone pulled out of their closets.

Amitabh Bachchan donned a velvet bandhgala. Is it strange that he can carry velvet and not Shahrukh Khan? Jaya Bachchan rummaged through Aishwarya’s closet and picked the brightest maternity tent she could find. Shweta Nanda (with her husband and son) and Aishwarya colour coded and for once I don’t want to rip that anarkali off the Bachchan Bahu. And look, how sweet of them to let a waiter pose for their family photo.

Shahrukh Khan is still in velvet except he now looks like Hugh Hefner. Gauri Khan is showing me way too much of her artificially tanned skin than I am ok with.

With the John Abraham marriage rumours hounding her to an early death, Bipasha Basu decided to come dressed as a bride. Take that John’s girlfriend.

What! Sonakshi Sinha is related to Kajol and Ajay Devgn? Why else is she in their family photo in her richly coloured anarkali? How is Tanisha still part of Bollywood? I get that Kajol wanted to ditch the flowing anarkali but why wear her curtain instead? Ajay, your suit’s a little tight but that might be because you take method acting to another level and never relax your Son of Sardar stance.

Parineeti Chopra, why did your stylist not tell you that you are too young and pretty to be swathed in so much cloth and in such a dull colour?

This photo just makes me very sad.

This, on the other hand, makes me super happy. Genelia D’Souza and Riteish Deshmukh’s marriage has done wonders to their style. The gold dress stands out in a sea of floating anarkalis and Riteish is killing it in that tux.

Neetu Singh is the poster girl of ageing gracefully (Rekha, take notes). Her attire is bright and bold but she still carries it well. Rishi Kapoor looks like a chubby penguin. I mean that in the best possible way. I would never ridicule my future lover’s parents.

Rahul Khanna is alive! I’m so glad Vinod Khanna (with his wife Kavita) chose to bring this brother. Now we can all bask in Rahul’s sexy appearance because it’s so rare. Enjoy it while it lasts, people.

I’m sure Shamita Shetty’s dress looks great but I’m not a huge fan of her (who is?) so I don’t like the dress either. Yes, I am unbiased in life.  I get it that Shilpa (with husband Raj Kundra) has to cover her baby fat but don’t do it in a brightly coloured poncho.

I have no great fashion related observations to make here. I Just wanted to show you Anupam and Kirron Kher’s bodyguard who also doubles up as a wrestler who also moonlights as their son —Sikander Kher.

I don’t know why but I have this feeling that Ayesha Takia Azmi (with her husband Farhan Azmi) is going to break into the garba. Don’t ask me why.

Shit! That’s Mahima Choudhary. The Obla Dee, Obla Doo girl from Pardes! Obla Dee shit!

And finally, Preity Zinta in a salwar kameez I owned in the 90s and wore to the Diwali party at school.

Boys on bikes don’t wear velvet

Shahrukh Khan promoting his film about a love story between a guy (Anushka Sharma) and his bike

I fail to grasp the concept of promoting every aspect of a film. Shahrukh Khan is here to pimp, not just his film Jab Tak Hai Jaan (which actually might be the best and worst ad for the Classic 500), but a song from the film. What can we expect next? A press conference for the opening credits or the film’s interval getting its own reality series?

So, anyway he wore a velvet jacket for this momentous event. I know famous people do not go through the same trials that mere mortals like us suffer, like this crazy-ass weather, and hence can afford to wear velvet. It’s a great cut and fits well but something about a guy wearing velvet is off-putting. Am I being sexist? Yes. But I don’t have a soft spot for Shahrukh or velvet. And especially not if he’s wearing Mohabbatein pants.

SPOILER ALERT!

I  think I know what the scariest part of Bhoot Returns is.

It’s Manisha Koirala’s boobs.

P.S.: BEWARE! If you look at them directly for too long, RGV will cast you in his next movie.

Loser Prom

The Rush Music Launch.

CHAK DE GIRL#42: I’m wearing a dress that’s too tight for me.

NEHA DHUPIA: I’m wearing a face that’s too tight for me.

EMRAAN HASHMI:  I’m wearing a vagina that’s too tight for me.

RANDOM WOMAN WHO WASN’T IN CHAK DE: Nothing’s too tight on my skinny frame hahaha, where’s my celery stick lunch?

ADITYA PANCHOLI: Pancholi ke peechey kya hai, Pancholi ke peechey. LOL.

Green Screen

It’s not like I don’t like what she’s looking like in what she’s wearing, it’s that I don’t like it ENOUGH.

Chitrangada in an Anaiika by Kanika Saluja creation

Her makeup makes her face oily with a chance of plastic surgery, and the hemline is too long, as if she called her stylist that morning and gave the following brief:

“I WANT TO FLOAT LIKE A JALEBI IN DALDA. MAKE IT HAPPEN.”

Also, what is that white mark on her right boob?  Please God, let it not be what I think it is.

HAHA now you are all wondering too.