Panties of the year

With names like Sidharth Malhotra, Alia Bhatt and Varun Dhawan, the three are tailor-made for a KJo film. Sadly, their looks are not

Oh My God Alia Bhatt your granny panties are showing! Quick, one of the hunky men do something. Take off your shirts so she can use it as a skirt. Varun Dhawan, you even have an extra sweater on you. Someone DO SOMETHING and put the rest of us out of our misery.

I get it if you are wearing a particularly nice pair of chaddis or even a cute bra and want to spread the joy. But why must you, Alia, subject us to cycling shorts? Just wear them out in the open minus the leg purdah.

Oh and I don’t think this will be the film of the year. Any film that portrays students who actually give a rat’s ass about being the student of the year is way off the mark. Most of us just want lectures to end so we can go for a sutta break.

Drools

Would you like some sex to go with your toast?

Milind Soman in way too much clothing

The jacket, the jodhpurs, the funky yet masculine chappals and the salt and pepper hair and beard – everything is exactly how the universe planned. Everything. Did I mention… *drools*

It’s Visarjan Time!

 

And here I was thinking that it’s bad luck to dress your Ganpatis in black.

 

Vogue Saat Din

(Ayesha has already covered Kalki here. I’m just giving it more attention because LOOK.)

You know two people are meant to be together when one of them tries to bridge the age gap between them by dressing like a sepia Simi Garewal, and the other does so by turning a talcum powder container into a shirt.

Kalki in Shift by Nimish Shah. If only she had shifted a little more to the left and avoided being in the picture.

Presenting, Kalki Koechlin and Anurag Kashyap, frumping it up at Vogue’s 5th Anniversary Bash.

However, knowing Anurag Kashyap’s movies, they probably dressed up like each other’s beards to experiment with society’s reactions and bottle them for their next movie on the Roosevelts. Or, to keep it close to home, Aditya and Avanti Birla.

Being Vogue about it

Bollywood and a few others glammed up for Vogue India’s 5th Anniversary Bash. Can you believe that the magazine has been around for five years? The very same magazine that is so aspirational I can’t even afford to buy it. Considering it’s a Vogue party, where you know, ‘Before it’s in fashion it’s in Vogue’, the performances were so-so.

I don’t know if it’s the angle or the lace neckline but Dia Mirza looks really err… endowed and voluptuous. The dress is giving negligee vibes. What’s going on around her waist? And why is it all black? Ok, red lips would have been too predictable but this ain’t a funeral.

On the red carpet are Smiley and her sister, Underpaid Geisha. Actually, I like what Kajol has on. It’s very unlike her – the colour, cut and more so the fact that it’s not an anarkali or ill-fitting pants. I’m undecided on Tanisha’s gown, but the makeup makes her look like a geisha who has seen better days.

Kalki Koechlin looks like a happy Flapper from the 20s so let’s not kill her buzz. Maybe those chunky shoes and clutch are doing it already.

Somebody tell Prateik the Harley Davidson gang bang session changed its venue last minute. The good thing is he might have to lose his clothes for an entry there.

Not my favourite person, not my favourite look but Siddharth Mallya looks a lot like Hugh Hefner with his smoking slippers and belted jacket. I think I secretly dig this look but I will deny it in court.

Kismet, Paisa, Dilli, POOP

Okay okay. I know I’m shamelessly ripping this off from GoFugYourself, but LOOK at them. How can I practically resist it? HOW? I AM A WEAK GOD-FEARING PERSON AND THE FUG GIRLS ARE MY GODS!

So, here goes. Presenting, my very first dialogue. (Ayesha has done one already, but you know me. I’m always fashionably late to the party.) Thank you, Heather and Jessica, our favourite Fug Girls, for this format. We will be forever in your debt. Till debt do us part. Harry Potter and the Debt-ly Hallows. Okay, okay, I’ll stop.

MALLIKA: Um. Vivek. You aren’t wearing any shoe-laces.

VIVEK: Oh shit. SHIT. Now what will I use to hang those satin/ velvet/ dead African baby skin pants you’re wearing after I’ve torn them to shreds?

MALLIKA: Kinky. But I don’t do that stuff anymore. Because I am a serious Hollywood actress now. It says so, on my Twitter bio.

VIVEK: Does it also say that your top looks like a biology student’s lab journal? Because I can totally point out protozoa, pseudopodia, dinomorea AND the STDs in his rectum.

MALLIKA: Huh? Shut up, Vivek! Your vest is a vest of time. HAHA. GEDDIT. VEST OF TIME. I am so awesome. Somebody give me a key to this city now. NOW.

VIVEK:  Sigh.

Bag lady cometh

Rani Mukerji has many layers to her, like a tiered cake

I think I’m one of the five people out there who is really looking forward to Rani Mukerji’s comeback, second time around (or is it third?) in Aiyyaa. 

But good god what has she got on? Between what she wore to Karan Johar’s birthday bash and this look, don’t sue me if I start a pregnancy rumour. Maxi dresses were practically invented to camouflage a bun in the oven.

And yet she looks a lot like my 5th birthday cake. You know the plastic Barbie doll with stringy hair whose dress is made of layers of vanilla and chocolate cake? Only this cake looks terribly unappetising. And thank god my birthday cake did not have Barbie wearing a whip and a dog collar for jewellery. I’d surely have turned out more messed up than I already am.

Come on Rani, this is your comeback’s comeback. Show some respect. Dressing like a bag lady is not going to help.

Angels vs Demons

If the theme for Raj Kundra’s birthday bash was Angels and Demons these two got it spot on. You decide who’s who.

Malaika Arora Khan in faux fur and sequins standing in for the sex-starved woman trying to spice up her married life.

AND

Sushmita Sen in a bandage top with an arm holster to stash her knives and guns. Angelina Jolie from Tomb Raider will be proud.

Firangi tadka

Whenever Bollywood goes international (though, I’m not sure that the production of Salman Rushdie and Deepa Mehta’s Midnight’s Children is strictly Bollywood) they have this intense desire to wear their Indianness on their sleeve, bandhgala and sari. So this is what they wore to the Toronto International Film Festival premiere of the strictly-not-Bollywood film Midnight’s Children. 

Shahana Goswami in scarlet

I know that Aishwarya Rai Bachchan is a veteran at these international festival thingies but that is no excuse for Shahana Goswami to steal her look from Guzaarish. I highly doubt that she’s wearing an actual sari. It feels more like a ghagra choli with a very long dupatta. The colour is nice and bright, a little in your face but that’s ok. Hold on, now she looks like Rani Mukherji from Saawariya. Is Shahana sending Sanjay Leela Bhansali a coded message?

Shriya Saran and Satya Bhabha have nothing on Siddharth’s awesome dhoti

Shriya Saran, on the other hand, is definitely wearing a ghagra choli, a look she’s worn more times than Barney has said ‘legendary’. It’s bright with heavy work and exposes all her assets. In short, the perfect way to perpetrate the West’s ideas about Bollywood. But let’s talk about the guys. To the right is actor Satya Bhabha (no really, that’s his name). He is British-American but also Indian. I’m confused. He’s wearing a good enough suit with shiny shoes. Whatever. Look at Siddharth! He has on a bandhgala with a dhoti. A dhoti! And he’s wearing the hell out of it. I love a man who can rock a dhoti and not trip over it or curse his luck.

Anita Majumdar has a fan under her bust but Samrat Chakrabarti and Rahul Bose don’t mind

That’s Canadian-Indian actress Anita Majumdar and she’s in the film too. She’s this crazy talented woman – an award-winning actor and a playwright and she’s dated a playwright too (I Googled her so this is absolutely true). She too is wearing a concoction of a sari. This one also of the ghagra choli variety. Frankly, I’m disturbed by how easily they bastardize a sari. But wait, she’s got a fan attached to her blouse. Does she know that? What purpose does the fan serve, only the good Lord knows. She looks sexy fierce, though. There’s also Rahul Bose and Samrat Chakrabarti (seen in Lions of Punjab who looks a lot like another lion, Makunga from Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa) in bandhgalas and shiny shoes. Let’s move on.

Not so pretty in pink

Mugdha Godse gets it wrong at an art event

When I saw the thumbnail, Mugdha Godse looked good. But when the full photo popped up, truth be told, I was a little disappointed. It’s a great colour – delicate and feminine and looks nice on her but do I wish the dress were shorter? Absolutely. But I wish for a lot of things – Kristen Stewart not cheating on Robert Pattinson, pothole-free roads and for thin crust pizza to not be so freaking expensive (it’s bad for my health, must it harm my wallet too?). Are they all fulfilled? Absolutely not. So that point is moot.

Her dress might be pretty but her accessories are all over the place. Woman, did you just pair a black and white mesh belt with brown shoes!? And the last time I checked people used their bags to house their dogs not make clutches out of their shaggy pooches.

I wish I had never laid eyes on that damn thumbnail but then again I wish for many things.