RIP Fashion

Who died and asked Sunny Leone to give their eulogy?

It’s a boring all-black ensemble with the red belt refusing to do its job of adding spunk. What an amateur attempt at spicing up a LBD.

This is what an 80-year-old billionaire’s 20-year-old wife might wear to his funeral. You just know she’s going to drop the jacket, rip that turtle neck and those sleeves and go partying with the pool boy after the service.

You are…

And how!

Sigh! ‘Innovative’ movie promotions bring me such joy.

MALARIA HUA, MALARIA HUA, MALARIA HUA

I get it. I get it.

Sonam Kapoor in Christian Dior. MUSLIM DIOR, BEWARE!

It’s cute. There’s a pink dress and winged eye liner and an updo with all sorts of hair clips. It’s all begging for approval. If only a large part of the centre wasn’t occupied by the image of a gigantic mosquito orgy, I’d have been able to give it all a thumbs up and order a large tub of Baskin and Robbins’  Gold Medal Ribbon icecream.

ALAS! Some things are simply not meant to be. *sadface*

And this is how it’s done

Karisma Kapoor is like a fashion superhero – having her vengeance on all those who put her in pink frocks and others who made fun of her fuzzy eyebrows. Her superpower? The stunning black dress.

It fits her just right and the length works well for her. Not too short because, you know, she’s not Kareena Kapoor and not too long because, you know, she isn’t Rekha either. The evil eye-esque statement neckpiece and those golden strappy sandals take a boring black dress and transform it into a great look.

Sidekick Genelia D’Souza should be furiously taking notes and not posing in her blinged-out dress.

Slash and burn

You know those movies that are so bad they are actually good? Mandira Bedi had a similar chance to attain cult status with her noodle strap sari blouses so this razor-slashed top will not fit into that category. It’s so bad that it actually is bad.

I wonder why they stopped at just a few slashes. They should have gone all out so we would not have had to bear witness to Mandira pairing them with bright red pants and makeup that looks best on a saas-bahu vamp.

Colour me white

It’s not something I will easily admit but Deepika Padukone was the only half-decent thing in that godawful regressive film Cocktail. Her character was the only one with some spunk and maybe that’s why she was seen as the vamp aka doosri aurat aka a girl you can’t take home to mummyji because log kya kahenge? It did not help matters that she had a kick-ass wardrobe with sequined dresses and backless gowns. But at least one Adajania did their job right. (Director Homi Adajania’s wife, stylist Anaita Shroff Adajania).

Now it looks like Deepika is riding that wave with this lovely white peplum number. It’s cut beautifully and the hint of black lace only enhances the outfit. Her makeup is bang on and her hair is, what they say, teased into flirty waves. Now only if the shoes had some colour in them. But that’s just me trying to find fault.

What would Draupadi have said?

To think that Draupadi and Krishna went through all that trouble just so that, eons later, the sari could morph into something like this.

In case you were in doubt, Sherlyn Chopra would like you to know that she indeed has a waist, boobs and a stylist who has no clue how to drape a sari.

I’m tempted to make a catty reference to her nanga Playboy photo shoot but it might be in poor taste, like this look of hers.

Lithium – by Deewana, Parvana, Mastana, Nirvana

 

SRK: I’m so dandy, but that’s okay, I slapped Shirish, now I’m holding your hand.

Farah: Your hat’s ugly, but that’s okay, you’re a bigger star, and this movie’s a flop.

The Official Weekly Neha Dhupia Post

Let’s for imagination’s sake, assume that there exists a place for fashion victims called “Wardrobe Therapy” where people in purple bodysuits stare at you intensely as you pour the contents of your closet out to them.

Why purple bodysuits, you ask? Why not, I reply, where else will you be allowed to wear purple bodysuits? Sets of Joker, you say? Let’s shelve this conversation, I say. Neha Dhupia is begging for our attention in that pant-skirt. Pirt. Skant. Well. Whatever is it, it is big enough for us to drop a little attention into. Main apna attention tumhari jholi main daalti hoon, Neha Dhupia.

Neha Dhupia is wearing a dead snake designed by Pankaj and Nidhi. It goes with her face.

So, anyway, back to a hypothetical conversation between Neha Dhupia and her Wardrobe Therapist.

ND: Hey. You are in a purple bodysuit, but I don’t care. You know why? Because I look like I’m being swallowed whole by a python. No offence to animal rights activists.

WT: And how does that make you feel?

ND: I don’t know. One does not know how to feel when dressed as python-chow on non-Halloween days. At least I’m better dressed than the Shriya Saran lookalike next to me. They seem to have picked her up from a Catholic wedding in Malad in all her bridesmaid glory. No offence to Catholics weddings in Malad… well okay, maybe a little.

WT: Hmm. And what do you have to say about that pant-skirt?

ND: When I was born, my parents wanted me to be a boy.

WT: *writes something on notepad*

ND:  THAT’S WHY I POSE SEMI-NAKED ON THE COVERS OF MAGAZINES, OKAY?

WT: And how does that make you feel?

ND: Good! Because do you remember the last movie I was in?

WT: No.

ND: Me neither.

WT: Let’s drink.

Rodeo Gaga

It’s like Shruti Hassan imagined that she was on her way to participate in a rodeo show somewhere and got her research wrong.

Because if her dress were red, I’d totally expect her to pull it off in one swift motion, yell “El Toro!” and urge a big angry bull to attack, only to strangle/ choke him to death with that necklace made of what can only be described as gallstones.

She’d be a naked matador, but hey, I’m sure that would only give her a competitive edge.

In other words, Shruti Hassan, better naked and fighting a raging bull than being photographed wearing that dowdy outfit – get what I’m saying?