Teri Meri Advice

Hey Shahid, Priyanka.

While neither of you needs to burn your stylist’s hair as punishment for dressing you up like extras from saas-bahu serials (Rani Mukerji, this means you) just yet, I wanted to break something to you.

The only way Teri Meri Kahaani will work is if it’s secretly a Game of Thrones episode in which Priyanka shows her boobies because she is about to be raped by pirates from the Summer Isles. (Why else would she show her boobies? Game of Thrones has nudity ONLY for real script-related reasons.)

So you know, stop promoting it. Save your breath. Sit at home in your jammies and watch Cougar Town instead – Jules and Grayson are getting married!

XOXO

Anuya

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There’s hope

The dress code for Karan Johar’s ’40 ways to placate Bollywood’ bash was black tie. While some looks crashed and burned, a few hit the jackpot.

Kangna Ranaut’s look is non-fussy yet high on glamour.

I’d have liked a little more colour. Bright lips perhaps. But Asin looks classy with a neckpiece that’s making quite a statement.

I feel a little bad for Soha Ali Khan because her last hit film was…umm…

And that’s how it’s done. That’s how movie stars dress.

Malaika is Inspired

Malaika Arora Khan dusted the cobwebs off her time machine and cackled as she punched in –

Date: 2000

Location: Grammys

Impersonate: Jennifer Lopez

The machine made a few spluttering sounds and then to the tune of Chal Chaiya Chaiya spat out this dress…

Rani Floats In

I have a few poignant questions for Rani Mukherji who chose to wear this to Karan Johar’s ’40 ways to placate Bollywood’ bash.

  • Can I start a pregnancy rumour?
  • Are you smuggling Aditya Chopra under your dress?
  • Can you even call that a dress? (It’s a rhetorical question.)
  • Did they mistake you for someone who ran away from a saas-bahu set and forcefully tried to send you back?
  • Is the dress… er…. garment a costume left over from Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic that you stole when no one was looking?
  • It’s pointless asking you to fire your stylist because I don’t think you ever had one, right? (Again, it’s a rhetorical question.)
  • You were such a great actress. I silently weep for the end of your career. What went wrong?

Here’s another angle just in case I had not made my point clear enough.

Ash karo

First. I could not think of  a better header. Second. Look at that view. Just look at it. This is one of the many perks of endorsing a hair product. You get to go to Cannes and enjoy that view. Now what do I do with the woman in my frame marring the sight of the French Riviera?

Aishwarya Rai Bachchan finally found a valid excuse to leave the country and get away from the gym membership pamphlets crowding her mailbox. She also found reason enough to get out of those offending, menopausal salwar kameezes, that frankly, were not helping her cause.

Neither is this maxi dress paired with the long sweater. But who cares? As long as it’s not an Abu Jani-Sandeep Khosla heavily embroidered Bedouin tent.

But looks like I spoke too soon…

MallikaLA… Maza Namaskar

We all already know that Mallika Sherawat likes the nude… WHAT. Don’t look at me like that, it was an easy pun! An easy pun! Easy like Malli… Okay, okay. I’ll stop.

Here’s a picture of Mallika Sherawat sashaying down the Cannes Red Carpet in a  nude gown for…

…  … .. putting LA in her Twitter handle?

Well, look at the bright side. At least she’s not there because Steven Spielberg’s illegitimate son is making a fuckallshite indie movie about a shape-shifting praying mantis in love with KRK, which he’d (the illegitimate son, not KRK, although, who knows)  publicly denounce later.

Probably because Steven Spielberg doesn’t have an illegitimate son. (That we know of, although everyone who has seen the suspicious resemblance between him and Woody Allen, say I.)

But the real problem here is not the reason behind Mallika Sherawat’s appearance at Cannes – it’s the amount of her that has appeared, which raises one very important question:

Fuzzy feeling

I hope Katrina Kaif fired her stylist because she forgot to tell her to shave her shoulders. If she (the stylist, I’m assuming, is a woman because aurat hi aurat ki sabse badi dushman hoti hai) did indeed let Katrina venture into public looking like Anil Kapoor from the 90s, she needs to eat glass.

It requires someone of great talent to make one of the most beautiful women look like she’s wearing a skunk for shoulder pads.

And good lord! The shoes! They are just wrong. Wrong. I say they are just wrong. I can’t even look at them. Just wrong.

Returning on a Jet Plane

This is what I look like when I step out of an 18 hour long plane journey:

This is what Priyanka Chopra looks like when she steps out of an 18 hour long plane journey.

One of us is a Miss World with a successful movie career. Ten points for guessing who!

(Pssst: I think it’s the one who doesn’t match her shoes with her pants so that her lower half looks like an endless glass of cold Bournvita, y’all know what I’m saying? Too much matchy, matchy.)

Once Upon A Time

Neha’s outfit here reminds me of Parineeti Chopra’s pretty peplum number. The salmon is a darling shade and the white shirt adds a brisk, no-nonsense touch that negates its uber girliness.

But of course, in Neha’s case, you’re also wondering if the skirt doubles up as a tent, and if little furry woodland creatures escape the warmth of her thighs at night to go out into the world and participate in Pixar movies.

Well you would be, you know, if you were me.

P.S. – How lovely is her hair? One of the woodland creatures must have previously lived among Adhuna Akhtar’s thighs.

Kursi Ki Peti Bandh Ke Rakhiye

Someone should’ve told Sonam Kapoor that you don’t HAVE to dress up like an air hostess to board a plane. It’s not like JAIL. There isn’t a UNIFORM.

AND ARE THOSE MAN PANTS?

See now that is just confusing. Her upper half makes me wonder why she hasn’t got me that cognac I asked for two hours ago, and her lower half is making me think of my father.

Freud would be tickling himself silly with a feather right about now.