Short takes

I have some very poignant questions for Gul Panag.

  • Can you breathe in that?
  • Is the zipper functional or purely ornamental?
  • Aren’t you boiling?
  • Your dress is short and then it angles into an even shorter hemline. (Ok, this is not a question but a very valid observation.)
  • Does it shrink to the size of a T-shirt when you sit?
  • Did you stand through the entire event?
  • In those shoes?
  • Speaking of which, did you not realise that they don’t exactly complement your dress?
  • The dress is not exactly a compliment in itself. (Again, not a question but an observation.)
  • Are you stupid?
  • Is your stylist still on your payroll? If yes, then refer to the previous question.

Shilpa Sucklani

HAH. I knew all those days of watching Nach Baliye would come in handy. Today they’ve helped me identify one Shilpa Saklani, wife to Apoorva Agnihotri, wearer of Prom Dress bought from whatever Mumbai’s version of the Salvation Army is.

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Someone remind her that she isn’t in high school anymore (as can be easily deduced by the southward-bound nature of her… okay, we won’t go there) and that Indians DON’T HAVE A PROM.

P.S.: Apoorva Agnihotri was that guy in Pardes whose havas ke nishaan were on Ganga’s body… THAT one.

Happy Wedding Day, Sunidhi Chauhan.

And you thought Sunidhi Chauhan would never get married because prospective grooms would see her Aira Gaira Nathu Khaira video and burst a blood vessel or two.

Well, IN YOUR FACE, naysayers! She is hitched! And that too to some… GUY. Okay? She will now sing said guy to sleep every night while the rest of you have to watch TV or read a book.

So, you know, sucks for you.

Now that we’ve established that as a fact, let’s move on to the actual topic of focus here – Javed Jaffrey. (You know it’s Sunidhi Chauhan’s wedding when Javed Jaffrey is the topic of focus.)

The kindest explanation is that he was shooting for Maggi Hot and Sweet Tomato Chilli Sauce commercials and dropped ketchup on the well-fitted Armani blazer he was planning to wear. So he had to borrow from the spotboy who moonlights as a supplier for Hip Pimps – Look Good While Reducing Non-paying Customers to Pulp! and rush to the wedding.

The probable explanation is that he needs to set his stylist on fire… no, wait. He needs to fire his stylist. THAT is the correct arrangement of words. Yes.

Who dares, wins.

Is there a “make-an-outfit-out-of-sofa-upholstery” trend going on somewhere that I totally missed? Because both Dia and Aditi seem to have got it down pat. Dia has even made a top out of a satin bedsheet. To these heralds of new age homefashionmaking I say, “Bravo!” 

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Now excuse me while I go make a bikini out of this tablecloth I just found.

 

What is a worthy hair pun?

There’s been no one like Madhuri Dixit and there never will be. Not one of her successors can hold a candle to her acting skills or even her chest thrusts. Look what we have to choose from – Katrina in Race, Deepika in Dum Maro Dum and Bipasha in… all her songs. So it pains me (just a little) to write about her two-shades duller than sunshine sari and 80s biker boy hair.

Now that she’s back in the country she’s been popping up at events like zits on an 11-year-old boy’s mug. Maybe this was also the inspiration for her sari. It’s not a horrible sari but neither is it worthy of her. The million creases on her blouse might be because it’s a tad too tight. No wait. That’s the actual design. And I think she shares a stylist with Shruti Haasan. Why else would she also have a creeper dangling from her shoulder?

But all this is nothing compared to that hair. Did she do something to antagonise her colourist and hairstylist? Did she send them spam emails or did her ‘good morning’ messages wake them up at 5.30 am everyday? Did she refuse to give their cousin’s niece a break in films because she herself is just about finding her footing? She must have done something to piss them off. How else can you explain that hair?

Madhuri, quick, get out of that sari and go make amends with your hairstylist.

Baby Boomers

For a minute there, I thought this was about Lara Dutta showing the world her new baby. So imagine my shock when for about 15 seconds my brain believed she’d given birth to a giant Nivea bottle.

I mean. What did she sleep with for THAT to have happened?

Fortunately for my imagination, this was just one of those product launches where the PR team thinks they’ve come up with a radical new way of appeasing the press by making them look at a giant version of the product because their brains are too small to process the actual size.

But, I digress.

Lara Dutta looks ravishing, doesn’t she? A little tired maybe, and who wouldn’t be if a bawling baby kept you awake all night with its farts and burps, but otherwise just lovely. The yellow makes her skin sparkle, the neckline highlights her newly acquired ample bosom, and the empire waistline hides whatever’s left of her baby bump.

A little bounce in her hair would’ve helped, but you know, minor niggles.

P.S.: What is Sheetal Mallar looking so smug for? Not giving birth to a giant Nivea bottle? Let’s talk to her again when she’s sunburnt and has a painful, peeling nose. Cow.

Sholay Bane Angarey

You’ve got to give it to Sushma Reddy.

Coming to the Avengers premiere dressed like Iron Man’s mother was a career masterstroke.

Now all she has to do is buy little Transformer toys, throw a press conference declaring that they’re his brothers, and become the media’s new Parveen Babi, but with a cooler name – Iron Mom.

Iron. Fucking. Mom.

No love lost

Anusha Dandekar’s navel in a frank chat:

I may belong to the flat lands but you’ve often seen me glammed up on screen or in photos. My most (in)famous appearance was alongside Aamir Sir who said it was great that I was hated because it meant I was loved. Or something like that.

So this time too I begged Anusha to let me make an appearance. She promised she would. But what do I see when she raises her arms in a clap-your-hands-to-my-awesome-song-gesture? I see nothing but pink, stretchy fabric. I thought that since she’s in a T-shirt she herself designed, I mean she cut the bottom and sleeves off herself, she would let the world see me. But that did not happen. I even tried to slip lower and take a peek through the holes in her jeans but her skinny thighs are bullies. And let’s not even get started on her Biscuit.

So until my starring role as the next American Beauty I have this to say to you Anusha: I hate you like I hate that top of yours.

Shruti Hassan and the Order of the Phoenix

Am I the only one thinking, “OOH. A phoenix has perched itself on Shruti’s head because it’s time for her career to rise from its ashes. THE LORD HAS SENT A SIGN.”

Or are all of you thinking it too? Well, if you weren’t, you are now. Which is YAY because that is the whole point of this blog. To make you *think*.

So let’s collectively think about her outfit now. Ready? COOL.

The blue is a pretty colour, and the ruffles + true waistline combination is endearing, even though the dress needs to be looked at by the friendly neighbourhood istri-walla. Then there is the little battle that is going on at her neck, between necklace one, necklace two and what looks like a Hippo-shaped brooch. Both necklace one and two look like they were impulse buys in the second-class compartment of a Borivali fast, and a brooch (no matter how hippo-ster looking) on anyone below the age of 40 and not living in the ’90s is illegal. Seriously. There’s a law against it in Sierre Leone. You can look it up.

Suchitra Pillai probably gets the brooch issue, because you know, her face looks like she’s trying to figure out how to… brooch it.

Why this Cassowary Di?

I refuse to believe…

… that no one told Anu Malik his hair made him look like a cassowary.