Baith Jaiye

Not sure if Rekha or Sonam Kapoor. Though if we’re looking at where they are on the railway journey of their movie career, one can assume they’re at the same platform, warily checking each other out and commending themselves for looking more youthful than the other at the very least. Sonam Kapoor, who is often lauded for her choice in clothes and one liners, looks completely off her game in this heavy gold saree and strict hostel matron hair, unless she has been approached to play Sonia Gandhi and no one bothered to tell the media because after Dolly ki Doli no one really cares anyway. Also I have this mad urge to touch her feet and ask for her blessing before I go give my board exams an.

I think all that gold has hypnotised me.

Bigg Boss is Hungry

Salman: Putting this in mouth because it looks like something I’d find at a sweets store in Mahim on Fridays.

Jacqueline: What the fuck.

Salman: Bigg Boss pays very little.

Jacqueline: Let go of my saree, pervert.

Salman: That’s what Aishwarya said. So I bit her instead.

Picture is blurry because Salman drove an SUV over it.

Jacqueline: *faints due to shock*

Arjun Rampal: Gotcha

Jacqueline:  Oh thank God.

Arjun: Hi. I’m a hipster. That’s what young people are these days. They’re hipster. Like me. It’s true. Because hipsters don’t lie.  Do you like my hat?

Jacqueline: Can I keep pretending to be unconscious so I don’t have to answer that question?

Arjun:  I like your saree. It’s like blue cotton candy. I feel like putting it in my mouth. Is that normal?

Jacqueline: Sigh.

HO HO HO!

Ok, ok, I’ll admit that that title was too easy.

Just like Rakh- alright, alright, no more cheap comedy.

Just like those fishnet stock- ok, ok I am really stopping now.

Rakhi Sawant, you glorious creature. And when I say creature, I mean elf, because look how cute you are all ready to help Santa stuff his toys in a bag.

Okay my brain is a gutter.

Just like where Rakhi Sawant found those awful sho- OMG I can’t stop WTF is wrong with me.

Sorry guys. I mma keep it classy now… unlike Rakh – *self thappad*

I’d imagine that if there ever were a strip club in the North Pole for Santa to go to when he and Mrs Claus are having domestic trouble, this would be the outfit they’d reject. That’s not to say I don’t admire the flower and butterfly motif she has going there, which either stands for the food chain/ circle of life, or is Rakhi’s way of communicating with the undead witches who brew her youth potion; she wants to tell them that she needs a refill before her nose melts away like MJ on a tanning bed.

Bebo main Bebo

Kareena Kapoor is yet another actress to fall prey to the deadly “Shaadi Syndrome”; a disease that, if left unchecked, consumes an actress’ career whole, like an Anaconda.

Now that she has realised how much free time she has in her hands as Mrs Nawab/ Magnum Fellatio Girl, she has decided to pay attention to her wardrobe. Like this outfit, despite being rather odd, works in a contemporary Jitendra-tribute kind of way.

Screen Shot 2014-12-26 at 18.32.52

It looks like a wraparound jumpsuit, which is a very risky outfit to wear if you ask me – one tug at the right string and it will all unravel in a very Draupadi-esque manner, except Kareena is married to a Muslim so I don’t know if Krishna will listen to her #GharWapsi

She may trip and fall because those pants are too billowy, and I wouldn’t eat any Indian food if I were her unless I am carrying a packet of Vanish Shakti 02 trust pink forget stains, but with the necklace and pale pink lipstick the whole look kind of strokes my chin in a warm, fuzzy, Meryl Streep way. Me likey.

P.S. My Anaconda don’t… my anaconda don’t… my anaconda don’t want none if something buns hon.

Play on loop

Jacqueline Fernandez has been kicking around this promotion tour. I’m not sure what exactly I’m trying to convey with that sentence but I wanted to use ‘kick’ in a sentence so there it is.

In Nikasha

In Nikasha

The loop of the dupatta makes it look like she’s wearing a cowl neck raised to infinity. On a side note, what purpose do those tassels serve? Let’s poll it.

Kya Khoob Khoobsurat

Sonam Kapoor launched the trailer of Khoobsurat which is an adaption of Rekha’s film of the same name but with a different-ish plotline.

Sonam Kapoor

Sonam’s in Australian designer Toni Maticevski’s silk, diamond and skull print dress. I’ve stared so long and hard at the dress to find the diamond and skull prints that now I can see them in 3D.

Sonam Kapoor1I spent even more time wondering why she wore two different coloured and shaped earrings. Turns out it’s a take on the ‘misfit’ in the film’s tagline – the royal misfit. Let’s not make this a thing, guys. Spend those extra five minutes looking for the matching earring.

Sonam Kapoor2And being the fabulous actor that she is, Sonam perfectly emulated how I look when I do not visit the parlour for a few weeks. Only I don’t look this good.

Sonam Kapoor3

And here she is doing an imitation of me emerging after a hair bath. Only I’m crabby because shampoo has gotten into my eyes and now I’m late for work and there are water stains on my top.

Sonam Kapoor4

That’s her being me as I try to convince my parents to frame at least one photo of me and put it up next to the ones they have of all my well-educated and married cousins.

Fawad Khan

And behold the very khoobsurat (I couldn’t resist) Fawad Khan from across the border – Pakistan, not Bhutan. If your filmy repertoire extends to ‘foreign films’ then you’ve seen him in Khuda Kay Liye and in a TV show, which I suspect but cannot vouch for, that’s based on Gulzar’s life. Or it could be a love story between a poor girl and a rich guy. Either way, here’s some more eye candy to ogle.

Devil is in the details

Wearing Emporio Armani pumps

Wearing Emporio Armani pumps

Sonakshi Sinha is taking her svelte self to town and she totally should. She popped by a gallery to support an artist in this Nikhil Thampi sheath. Smart choice since there would be too much colour around anyway and she would run the risk of looking like a work of art herself.

Taking off from the metallic detailing on the hip, the shoes too are metallic but a classier shade of metal like rose gold.

Let’s talk about the aforementioned metallic detailing. This metallic detailing is a lot similar to the metallic detailing on this Alexander McQueen one wore by Priyanka Chopra to the Filmfare Awards. Okay, it might not be a LOT similar but it is a little alike. In concept mostly.

Sonakshi Sinha2

Up close, Sonakshi’s got a star tattoo an inch above her collarbone which could easily feature on BuzzFeed’s 99 Freakishly Small Girl Tattoos To Get In Prominent Places Defeating Their Purpose Of Being Freakishly Small And Hence Subtle list.

Humpty and Dumb-ty

The title has nothing to do with the post. I just wanted to crack that joke about dumbness.

Alia Bhatt and Varun Dhawan braved a wet day to launch the unplugged version of Samjhawan, a song from Humpty Sharma ki Dulhania. Please take notice. This is how much Bollywood is paying attention to the details of marketing a film – they are promoting an unplugged version of a single song. Now, only if this detailing extended to the actual filmmaking process.

In a Veda Raheja crop top and Zara shorts

In a Veda Raheja crop top and Zara shorts

The good part about Alia’s style is that at most times she dresses her age. The hot pants (Argh! I hate that term.) and crop top combo works just fine. The hat is a bit too much for me but maybe, it gives the look that edge.

varun dhawan, alia bhatt

Now, Varun’s style comes across like he’s trying too hard. Don’t get me wrong. I love the leather jacket with the skinny tie. In fact, I love it so much that I’m going to recommend the look to all the guys I know. Starting with my retired father. But somehow, I feel like he’s forcing his whole style icon, hero status onto us. Back off a little, Varun.

Short takes

Saif Ali Khan got caught with his pants… half cut at the screening of Lekar Hum Deewana Dil which he has co-produced.

Saif Ali Khan

I get that the rains are upon us and it was a dark theatre so, technically, you can wear shorts but why must he have chosen this particular pair? He could have always worn a cute checkered one with a fitted t-shirt. You know the kinds that look really preppy and very catalog-y? This one seems very half-assed. But he looks happy enough so I think it’s okay.

Cover-up material

In Varun Bahl

In Varun Bahl

We are evidently still doing peplums not that I’m complaining. I love peplums because they totally hide my underbelly flab and a little of my gigantic backside making it seem normal-sized. Not that Parineeti Chopra has to bother with such things. I think she has a great body, one that is healthy and totally believable and she should stop giving interviews where she refers to herself as overweight and explain how she’s on this spree to lose weight. Average-size is not overweight. It is just, you know, average size.

In Atsu Sekhose

In Atsu Sekhose

To drive my point home further, this is her on the cover of Femina looking stunning. This is very different from the usual Femina covers that tend to be brightly lit and not so sultry with very little experimentation with the model’s look. However, with this cover and the photos inside, Femina has made a departure from the usual bubbly portrayal of Parineeti. There is a certain soft sexiness to her and she’s totally owning it.

Wearing Sonaakshi Raaj

Wearing Sonaakshi Raaj

That is how you do side boob with a touch of class.

In a gorgeous Gauri and Nainika

In a gorgeous Gauri and Nainika

And some cleavage too. She looks like she is pining for a lover. Only if the rest of us looked this great after a break up.

What The Little Birdie Is Saying.

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